Roses Fading
by BellatrixTonks67
Summary: In war, you never want to be the leader of the losing side. Then you have the farthest to fall. The daughter of President Snow is no exception, but are there more secrets to do with Haymitch, her once trusted friend, then she could have ever expected? R
1. Author's Note

To my faithful readers:

This sequel has been posted earlier than originally planned (I wanted a few chapters ready to go) in honor of a very special woman in my life, my math tutor. She passed away today, April 12th 2012, after a long battle with Leukemia. She not only saved my math grade so I could continue writing, but also inspired me everyday to live life to the fullest. To all those days when I sat in her driveway writing When Roses are A Luxury when I was early, or her musical laughter when she saw more stories than math notes in my notebook. She never lost hope in me, and I wouldn't be the person I am without her.

Recap of When Roses Are a Luxury:

December Snow, daughter of President Snow, thought she understood the world, but now everything is changing. It wasn't perfect, that she knew with a mother who paid more attention to her two siblings, one of which is very ill with an unknown and uncurable disease since he was injured during an assassination attempt on the family in his early childhood. Her life of being the adored rose of Panem was thrown into chaos when she met Thresh, a boy from district 11. In one year, they fall in love beside the differences of their lives. Yet, as that year comes to a close, Thresh is reaped for the 74th Hunger Games. Her friendships with the mentors and past Victors start to change as she realizes that maybe they aren't all on her side, on her father's side when she is desperate to save the boy she loves.

However, she finds help in an unlikely place; Darren Broderson, son of her father's chief advisor. After professing his love for her, Darren turned to her twin sister, May, for romance but made it quite clear December would always be the one capturing his heart. When he learns of her relationship with Thresh, Darren offers to help in getting him home safely if she agrees to marry him for public sake.

But they lose, with great sacrifice including December's direct murder of her grandmother to keep the secret, and Thresh is lost to the will of the Games. However, Snows don't blame themselves. It isn't in their blood to be wrong. December pushes her blame on the new rising star of Panem; Katniss Everdeen, the Girl on Fire.

The first installment of this two part series ends with the start of the Quarter Quell, in which December is ready to watch and Peeta die in return for what they have that she lost. It doesn't matter anymore that Haymitch, a role model of her childhood, has chosen the Girl on Fire over her. December Everett Snow will not lose again.


	2. Empty Chairs at Empty Tables

**This sequel has been posted earlier than originally planned (I wanted a few chapters ready to go) in honor of a very special woman in my life, my math tutor. She passed away today, April 12th 2012, after a long battle with Leukemia. She not only saved my math grade so I could continue writing, but also inspired me everyday to live life to the fullest. To all those days when I sat in her driveway writing When Roses are A Luxury when I was early, or her musical laughter when she saw more stories than math notes in my notebook. She never lost hope in me, and I wouldn't be the person I am without her.**

**Without further ado... ****Chapter 1: Empty Chairs at Empty Tables**

_Oh my friends, my friends, don't ask me_

_What your sacrifice was for_

_Empty chairs at empty tables_

_Where my friends will meet no more_

_-Les Miserables_

Silence. I wasn't used to a crowd's silence. They usually cheered, called my name and clapped. Not today, today they were quiet. It was the anomaly that pulled me from the days of the past, from the Quarter Quell and back to my present surroundings.

A crudely constructed stage by the District 12 train station. A silk top sticking to my skin from the sweat, black shorts with slight sparkles catching on the camera lights. Caesar Flickerman watching me. District 12 watching me. Panem watching me.

Katniss and Peeta off the side of the stage, waiting for their turn in front of the cameras. Haymitch standing behind the main one, staring at me and smiling. Smiling. Was I doing something right? What was I doing?

I was telling the truth. Something I was very bad at. Something I had never really tried before, and now that I did it was spilling out without a filter. So many lies unveiled, so many truths that people needed to hear but they were all gone. Gone, and no longer able to understand.

Not gone, I tried to tell myself. Not gone. Thresh isn't gone. He's still with you, that is what you decided. Go with that. They are all still listening, and they can live in their new lives knowing the truth. They are all still here.

I needed to think, remember everything I had said. First, Thresh and I. How we met in 73 and he stole a kiss. The way we snuck each other letters, and I begged to be allowed to visit 11 just to see him. Then he was reaped, and I didn't know what to do except bargain with my heart and murder my own grandmother. Then, he died anyways but I got to say goodbye.

That's when he tried to tell me Haymitch told him it would be better for me if Katniss won, that Panem needed Katniss and not him. That was when I thought I knew Haymitch never cared about me, that he was using me to get to my father just like everyone else. Maybe he was, I still couldn't tell.

Papa. He loved me more then anything, I had talked about that. The red roses, the days spent in his office, watching him order executions. I remembered explaining Cory's sickness, how it ruined his childhood, how it was all the fault of a man who tried to kill us.

What else? Darren. The boy my sister had been madly in love with, but he loved me. I led him on in those days, hadn't I? Even with Thresh I played Darren for everything I could.

And then Katniss and her despicable nature that ruined my life back then. When I hated her, when I couldn't even look her in the eyes with puking. Now look at me, sentenced to live in her district. It was disgusting.

"December, are you willing to continue?" This wasn't the stage Caesar talking, this was the man who helped you out. Made sure you were ok. Was I?

The next part, not the Quell but everything after it, was the secret. The darkest ones I knew. They all saw the broadcasts, they knew about Thresh and I, but maybe not all the details. There was no one alive to hurt though, no one whose secret's I could spoil. They were all gone.

No, not gone. Still here. Still here with me.

Except, Darren. I shuddered as the name came into my mind, the name I had forced myself to forget since arriving in this lonely District. Darren. He was still alive, no one told me otherwise. Still locked in jail where I left him. This could hurt him, but he already knew it all, didn't he?

Still, everything of those days seemed pointless. Were we fools, or did we just underestimate the opponent? Days in the office, watching Papa sitting at his desk, trying to save us. Trying to win. Back when we fought for everything, when we didn't thing we could ever lose anything. Now I just wondered why.

I couldn't think of the office now, the way he laughed and smiled at me even when he received terrible calls. The way stayed strong for all of us to the very end. The smell of roses. That was my strongest memory and I just wanted it back.

Focus, December, focus. Make your decision.

Then me, so much could still hurt me. Somehow, it seemed more painful to keep it locked inside. I glanced at Haymitch, and he nodded, wanting me to continue. But where to start?

Caesar could see my dilemma, and prompted me. "What was it like, during the Quell? Watching the Victors you had known for a few years die?"

I couldn't remember. All I remembered was the fact that they were there, and then they weren't. I started running through names in my head, trying to remember a feeling of those who died in the arena.

_Cecelia died leaving three children behind. A career killed her. I cheered. Real._

_ Seeder. A badly misplaced bet. I saw it as revenge for her getting Haymitch involved with Thresh and me. Real_

_ Blight. Killed by running into a force field, and no one revived him like they did Peeta. I laughed. Real._

_ Mags. Sacrificed herself. Seen as a rebel. I was glad she was gone, no more of those speechless gazes. Real._

_ Miya, from District 6. Ripped apart by monkey mutts. I bought Cory a monkey stuffed animal and we played the entire night. Real._

_ Gloss. Anger, frustration. Another score for Katniss. I watched the screens as her sponsor money increased. Real._

_ Chaff. Moved money from his account to Brutus's. Real._

_ Brutus. By then, I was ready to see both Peeta and Katniss long gone. Real._

I can remember every moment perfectly. As though I was right there again and my mind was clear. Not Real.

"Caesar, it felt dreamlike. The usual feeling of the Games, it was all there, all the laughing and betting. But something was running as a strong undercurrent that then none of us could understand. We weren't paying attention." He nodded, and I saw my face in the screens. Distant, lost. It was time to move on.

"We snapped out of it the moment the hovercrafts appeared, the moment that they broke out the remaining tributes. In that moment, there was chaos and then silence. Slowly, we caught onto the betrayal, the loss, the confusion. Plutarch was gone, shown to be a rebel along with a few others. Most of all, I remember just waiting. Waiting for someone to wake me up."

I looked at Haymitch smiling behind the camera, remembering what I really waited for. Him to come back and tell me it had all been a funny joke. That he hadn't chosen her instead of me. And Finnick, and all the others. You can forget the moment someone tells you they are about to betray you, but you won't forget the moment you realized they were serious. That was the moment I promised myself one thing, that I would never love and trust anyone else again.

Love, I told myself, had been the ultimate curse. My love killed Thresh; it weakened him in the arena and left me broken in pieces. Love made me a fool to trust Haymitch all my life, allow him to be close to me. Yet, I still let it live where it existed already and that was the most dangerous trap. That was the reason I killed my father.

No. Don't think about that now.

When they broke out of the arena. Think that instead. That was the moment I saw myself as despicable and I embraced it. But, Panem didn't need me to say that outright. They would figure it out eventually. "No one knew what to do. We waited for orders, waited for understanding."

"And those orders, they came from your father?" I nodded. "Then let's start again from there. What was the very first order he gave you?"

"Stay out of the way." I laughed, remembering my desperation to be let into his office, the way I sat against the wall in the hall for hours until he opened the door and called me in. _"My rose, I have a very special task for you. I would do it myself but I don't have time. Can you be very brave for me?" I smiled and said I always was. _I turned, seeing Katniss staring at my coolly from the side, separating herself slightly from Peeta no doubt because she now knows that he knew about me and Thresh. I told him, but he never told her.

"He sent me to the ruins of twelve." I saw the understanding grow in her eyes, the fact that she knew exactly what my job there was, but no one else did. That was our little secret. Until now.

**Please review! **


	3. Abraham's Daughter

**Chapter 2: Abraham's Daughter**

_Abraham took Isaac's hand_

_And led him to the lonesome hill_

_While his daughter hid and watched_

_She dared not breathe she was so still_

_-Arcade Fire_

Ashes. That is what we all eventually become. It is our job though, to make sure we stay whole until we are ready. That we become ashes only when the fun of life has worn out.

District 12 never got that chance. I smiled as I walked through the silent town, skeletons of buildings covering the horizon. I kicked a bone out of my way, gesturing for my guards to catch up. I knew what they were thinking, what they were asking themselves. They didn't want to walk through the bones; they didn't understand why I needed to.

I wanted nothing more than to see what else Haymitch, Katniss and Peeta had destroyed.

I recognized the bakery from my years of seeing it across the square. Peeta. The poor boy locked in our cells, swearing he knew nothing. Did he feel betrayed that Haymitch had left him? Did he feel as I did?

He asked if his family was alive. We answered we didn't know. Some escaped the bombs, some ran off and lived. If we knew who they were, well, then they would all be dead.

"How does it look to you?" I slowed my pace to fall into step with the taller of the guards, a peacekeeper that used to be assigned to 12.

"Different, miss. It's all dark now."

"Surely you are glad to be back from such a distant District? Is there a certain assignment you wish to rise to?"

"I am honored to be on your guard for the day, Miss."

"Perhaps I shall speak to Mr. Kieger and get you assigned permanently to the palace guard. You're help has been noted, and my father wants increased security on my siblings and I."

"Thank you, Miss. Snow. I would be happy to be safe from reassignment to a district. I joined the force t get away from two, the best one there is. Why go to something worse?"

"My family does not forget those who serve us well. Know that, and you shall never been sent to a place that will end in..." I searched for the word, kicking away another bone from my path. "Ruins."

The peacekeeper escort laughed, falling in closer as we moved from the cover of the hollow town. "Relax, there is no one here to snip me."

"No doubt, my lady. The rebels are not to be trusted." We walked in silence from there, the houses of Victor's village looming in the distance

"Miss. Snow, this one." Katniss. I didn't look at the other houses, refusing to wonder which one Haymitch owned. If I asked, I would be given an answer, but I said nothing.

I reached for the wooden box the second guard held, opening it carefully to remove the preserved white rose.

Yes, papa picked it himself. It wasn't off just any of the white bushes; it was off his most prized bush, and the one he used to fill his lapel.

"I'll only be a moment. Wait here." The guards nodded, beginning a sweep of the perimeter of the house while I walked in.

I didn't wander, walking directly up the stairs until I found a bedroom with the door pulled shut. That would be her's, the family would have wanted to try and hide the memories of her behind closed doors while she was in the Quell.

The dresser top was bare, and I placed the rose down gently, laughing as I walked away. It didn't matter how she took it once she found it. All it needed to do was frighten her, catch her off guard and make her know she was never untouchable.

We knew where she and the others were hiding out; we knew that they were living in the wretched underground world of 13. The trick was how to get at them the best, make sure there were no survivors this time. That is why we waited.

I exited the house, my heart sinking as my feet led me to another. Haymitch. I didn't know how I knew, I just did. Every thought was telling me to turn around, but my body never stopped moving. I needed closure. This is what I really was looking for. The Peacekeepers followed me to the steps, protesting when I told them to remain outside. I didn't care if the house never got a security sweep, I didn't want them anywhere near me.

The hallways were dark, yet sunlight from the windows reflected on a vase of dying roses on the front table. It was wearily undisturbed, frightening even at the peace of the silence.

I was looking for nothing, just hoping to find something. I poked my head in the living room, deciding to come back to the wall of photo albums and old dusty books.

The stairs creaked beneath my weight, but I took in no sounds or sights. I just walked on until I stumbled into a bedroom. The house suddenly felt more like Haymitch, the crimpled blankets, a few empty bottles on the dresser. Papers piled on his bedside tables, some food wrappers as well.

I crossed over, absentmindedly shifting through the thrash until my hand felt something cold. I clasped onto it, pulling out a small picture frame. I wasn't sure how old I was, but I knew it was I. The red hair strand and ember eye gem gave it away in a moment. Twelve, thirteen maybe? I looked at my smiling grey eyes, wondering at their happiness. It wasn't a formal picture; my attire was simple and plain. It was just a simple moment in time.

I kept digging, wanting to find something else, a picture of Katniss or Peeta. Some hint that, if I had been in this room only a month before would show his future betrayal. A sign.

Instead I found a sign pointing towards what I always would have expected. Him choosing me.

"_Come here, little one. I have a present for you?"_

"_For me?" I ignored the man holding the box, just snatching it from his hands. He wasn't like Papa or the others who gave me presents. He just showed up a few times a year and acted strange. My tiny fingers ripped away the packaging, revealing a small canister, one that was sealed shut. "What is inside?"_

"_Inside are three different things. First, some dirt from here in the City Circle, where you live. Second, some dirt from District 12, where I live. Third, I'll tell you some other day."_

"_Why can't you tell me now?" To a six year old, dirt didn't seem much like a gift at all. _

"_Keep this, and I'll keep my identical copy right in my room by home. When you grow up, I'll tell you."_

His jar was sealed tight, just like mine from childhood. Where had the canister gone, what had I done with it? I couldn't remember, no lost swept away without me ever raising a hand to stop it.

"Miss. Snow. The airship is leaving in five. We must go."

I tossed it back and forth between my hands, wondering what to do. I hated him, but I hated going back on my word. I had broken my promise to keep mine; the least I could do was let his lay where he wanted it. I dropped it carelessly.

Outside, the sun was shining and my mind thought back to the field where Thresh and I curled in each other's arms. I thought of everything we could have been, should have been. These people here ruined all of it. I hated them.

My eyes flashed to the third house that looked like it had been recently occupied, no doubt by Peeta Mellark. He must have been missing such comforts while locked in our cells as we wait for him to speak.

"_What do you expect the boy to say, Mr. President? We've been trying to get something from him for days." _Tauro Broderson's words echoed in my mind, but not as loudly as Papa's response. _"I expect him to say the unexpected."_

Peeta knew of the life Thresh and I had planned. Could that be the unexpected? All too easily.

I climbed aboard the airship, giving direct orders to the Captain. "Get us home quickly. I want to visit someone."

**XXX**

"Peeta, Peeta. How are you feeling?" The ragged boy looked up from his bench on the cell wall, his hair growing long and hanging in front of his face.

"Why aren't I dead yet?"

I laughed, walking closer to the cell's window and resting my elbows on the sill. "You know, don't you? You are pretty valuable."

"And you think I have valuable information."

My voice dropped to a whisper. "I know you do."

"I've told them all, Haymitch told me nothing!" Anger flashed in his eyes, his arms raised, as though ready to hit something but there was nothing in the bare cell.

"Leave us." At least my journey to 12 led them to stop questioning my orders. They exited with haste. "I don't speak of the rebellion, I'm talking about me."

"Fair enough. He spared Katniss. I owe him a debt, which I'll pay with silence."

"It's always honor with you, isn't it?" I was sick of District honor. It's what got us in this mess.

"It's called doing the right thing. You might want to practice that a bit more."

I felt my face flush, hands grabbing onto the bars of the window. "Didn't I? I tried to save him; I hid it so he wouldn't be a target!

"You hid it because you were ashamed. You were ashamed to not love in the Capitol. I'll remain silent, until I decide it's worth changing my mind."

I paused for a moment, just trying to understand. "You are a strange boy, Peeta Mellark."

"I'm a boy in love."

A loud knock erupted on the hall door and I backed away from the window to Peeta's cell, trying to regain my composure. "Come in."

"Are you staying December, or are you leaving?" I glanced at the clock, realizing I had lost all track of time. Darren's arrival shouldn't have surprised me so.

"Sure. I should make sure you are keeping his face pretty anyways." Darren smiled, typing into a keypad for the cell door to open. "Maybe you'll even mess up so I can have an excuse to get you reassigned."

"It's a dangerous time, December. At least I have an assignment that gives me purpose instead of running around like a child."

"Do you know where I was this morning, Broderson? I've been carrying out just as much duty as you! I'd rather work on father's personal orders then have to interrogate district scum on a regular basis!"

"Right, because the President's daughter is allowed to put her neck on the line for Panem." I hated the sarcasm dipping off his tongue as I followed him in and the door clicked shut behind us.

"Because staying in a safe cell with one boy is really risking you losing your head! Try the cameras, try speaking to all of Panem!"

"There might be a reason I leave that to you. Your pretty face isn't right for danger. Imagine how the Capitol would love you if you had a bruise!"

"I have a scar, where is yours?"

"Not filled in with some gem to make it sparkle."

"Because you aren't even manly enough to get one!"

I heard a sharp intake of breath behind us and we both turned to look at the prisoner. "Really, if she doesn't complain about your work interrogating me, I just might. Honestly, you think a Game Victor would get a higher qualified brute then a squabbling child." I almost wanted to hug Peeta Mellark. Almost.

Darren sighed, directing me to stand in a corner, out of the way. I obliged, only eager for the action to start. From his pocket, he produced a short metal stick that once twisted thrice began to glow a soft blue.

"Perfect, Broderson has a new toy." I smirked, my comment even gaining a weak smile on Peeta's face. Poor boy, such a stupid fol.

"Shut up or I'll order you a box full of frilly dolls."

"Is that what you give May on holidays? She must love it!" I put energy in every word, trying to sound incredibly enthusiastic. The only response was a loud shriek from Peeta as Darren whacked him in the arm with the stick. "What does it do?"

"Sends out a shockwave, and feels like a fair amount more weight then it is." I could tell from the tightness in Peeta's face that it felt like a sledgehammer. Good. "Let's begin, Mellark. Who else was involved with you in the plot to destroy the arena and pull out tributes?"

"I was not a part of it." The second he spoke, the stick whacked against his stomach and another yell of pain broke through the air.

I made no move, nestling myself into the corner as I watched, perfectly able to intercede if I wished. But I wouldn't. Katniss did nothing for Thresh, so this is my revenge. If Peeta was repaying the debt he owed Thresh for sparing the foolish girl, I was just repaying mine to her as well.

**Please review! I promise, updates don't usually take this long.**


	4. Lucky Girl

**Hey guys! Sorry updates have been so slow, it's AP exam season… **

**Chapter 3: Lucky Girl**

_Lucky boy_

_Did you tell her she's your second choice?_

_'Cause I wouldn't be your little toy_

_Ain't no man inside her lucky boy_

_-Kellie Pickler_

"Remember to smile Peeta, you are going to save her."

"I don't trust your deals, especially in this office."

"This is where the country is run from, this is where all true and legal promises are made. You should." I glanced around quickly to make sure no one would hear my whisper. "A deal with Thresh saved her life once. I can't guarantee her freedom, but life with you in prison must be better than death."

"She'll hate me."

"It will give her hope. Right now, she knows nothing about your state. If you are alive or dead. I didn't know about him until the screens shifted back, and even if he made me made, I still was happy because he was that much closer to coming back."

"But he didn't." I tried to keep the pain of memories from my face, but it remained in my voice.

"If you play your part right, she will."

"December! Come here, my rose." Papa's voice rang from the other side of the office, an aide appearing to lead Peeta to his chair.

"Run off, little Snow. Do your job and I'll do mine."

"Miss. Snow, to you. Never forget who I am, Peeta Mellark."

"Trust me," He turned away to follow the aide before completing his sentence. "I won't." I didn't look at Caesar as I moved away, just feeling the strong grasp of my father's hand as I fell into place beside him.

"Two weeks, and they've been silent. I don't like it one bit."

"They won't stay silent much longer after tonight. Katniss will want him back, she is selfish like that. We just need to remind her." I fixed a button on his cuff, smiling as we watched each other carefully.

"Are you sure he will perform correctly?"

"Darren said so. Things could get much worse for him tomorrow if he messes up. He thinks it's live TV, right? He wouldn't risk that." How could I explain why I knew Peeta would do as he was told? Papa couldn't know how much I understood the costs.

The camera lights went on, and Caesar began. "So…Peeta…welcome back."

"I bet you thought you'd done your last interview with me, Caesar." That show ready smile, hiding everything but his most forefront thought. Katniss. It gleamed in his eyes.

"I confess, I did, the night before the Quarter Quell… well, who ever thought we'd see you again?"

"It wasn't part of my plan, that's for sure." A weak smile that fails into a frown.

"I think it was clear to all of us what your plan was. To sacrifice yourself in the arena so that Katniss Everdeen and your child could survive."

I tensed, noticing the worry in my father while we watched Peeta start to trace the fabric pattern on the chair. He was nervous, and nerves could lead to saying the wrong thing. "That was it. Clear and simple. But other people had plans as well."

My father whispered so softly I wasn't even sure I had heard him right at first, but the malice in his voice was obvious. "Haymitch." Would I never escape that name, never move on? I wanted my life back, clear and simple. That was my plan.

"Why don't you tell us about that last night in the arena? Help us sort a few things out."

"That last night…to tell you about that last night…well, first of all, you have to imagine how it felt in the arena. It was like being an insect trapped under a bowl filled with steaming air. And all around you, jungle…green and alive and ticking. That giant clock ticking away your life. Every hour promising some new horror. You have to imagine that in the past two days, sixteen people have died-some of them defending you. At the rate things are going, the last eight will be dead by morning. Save one. The victor."

I felt a hand rest on the small of back, turning quickly to see Darren closer. "He does have a knack for words. We should be glad we got him instead." As Peeta continued, I knew he was partly right. The only thing Katniss could do was dress pretty and speak scripted lines on screen. It was always Peeta's interviews that saved her.

"And your plan is that it won't be you. Once you're in the arena, the rest of the world become very distant, all the people and things you loved or cared about almost cease to exist. The pink sky and the monsters in the jungle and the tributes who want your blood become your final reality, the only one that ever mattered."

Did you forget me, Thresh? Did the arena make you forget my heart, is that why you never came home? I tried to will myself to stop talking to him in my head, it had to be a sign of mental illness.

"As bad as it makes you feel, you're going to have to do some killing, because in the arena, you only get one wish. And it's very costly."

"It costs your life." Caesar was matter of fact, we all knew it. That was the price of rebellion and people needed to be reminded now.

"Oh, no. It costs a lot more than your life. To murder innocent people? It costs everything you are."

"_Everything you are." _Hush, Flickerman. Stop making him sound so dramatic. You wanted to know the cost, didn't you?

"So you hold on to your wish. And that last night, yes, my wish was to save Katniss."

What had my wish been, during the Quell? I wanted to make Katniss pay, make the loss of her life led to my revenge, my happiness. I still hadn't let go and I wouldn't until her body is deep underground.

I ignored his attempts to make Katniss seem like she knew nothing, like she was just some foolish minded girl. Katniss was told to aim to convince Papa of her love for Peeta, now it was his turn. Convince us that Katniss was harmless. It seemed a bit harder.

My attention focused back as Caesar brought up the dreaded name. "What about your mentor, Haymitch Abernathy?"

"I don't know what Haymitch knew."

"Could he have been part of the conspiracy?"

"He never mentioned it." Peeta's voice was soft, as though he didn't want to believe it. He never mentioned a lot of things, always including his back room deals.

"What does your heart tell you?"

"That I shouldn't have trusted him. That's all." My father squeezed my hand and I tried to ignore the fact that I could feel the blood leaving my face. Why hadn't we both realized it before? Peeta wouldn't have volunteered for him. Peeta and Katniss could possibly be home in District 12. Blasted thirteen, they could be dead and I could have Thresh.

"We can stop now if you want."

"Was there more to discuss?"

"I was going to ask your thoughts on the war, but if you're too upset…"

"Oh, I'm not too upset to answer that." Finally, I wanted this over. Peeta was taking too long getting to the mandatory point. "I want everyone watching- whether you're on the Capitol or the rebel side- to stop for just a moment and think about what this war could mean. For human beings. We almost went extinct fighting one another before. Now our numbers are even fewer. Our conditions more tenuous. Is this really what we want to do? Kill ourselves off completely? In the hopes that- what? Some decent species will inherit the smoking remains of the earth?"

"I don't really…I'm not sure I'm following…"

"We can't fight one another, Caesar, there won't be enough of us left to keep going. If everybody doesn't lay down their weapons- and I mean, as in very soon- it's all over, anyway." Good Peeta, exactly as you were told. I could sense my father beaming with pride. I always achieved the desired results.

"So…you're calling for a cease-fire?"

"Yes. I'm calling for a cease-fire. Now why don't you ask the guards to take me back to my quarters so I can build another hundred card houses." I snickered, and I heard Darren snort behind me. He tried to make it sound so innocence, as though he wasn't receiving daily shocks for his silence. I knew it was for her, so she could think he was safe and happy.

Darren whispered in my ear, before turning to go. "Save me a dance, alright?"

"Why would I?" He stopped, cocking his head to the side and waiting for them to take Peeta away before he answered.

"Because one day we'll be together for life."

I rolled my eyes. "Not interested, Broderson." He just shrugged, disappearing from the office. I waited for my father, not wanting to enter the party on my own. I didn't feel a need for the attention.

"Come, my rose. I've given them the ok to air it. Tonight, Katniss will get a little surprise." I laughed, allowing him to tuck a red rose from the vase on his desk behind my ear.

"Then we deserve to celebrate." That was what a needed, a chance to dance and forget the past, eat without a price, laugh and small talk and not think of him. _But he didn't. _Peeta's reminder still hung fresh in my mind and I needed to push it away.

"How are your classes going at school?"

"Fine. We just started our unit on historic civil rights laws. Mrs. Penninger says that we might finally get to the art and music unit this year."

"You must be excited for the music. For your unit project, you and Darren should perform together. You both already know so many pieces."

"Perhaps." The idea shook me, imagining his thick-coated voice harmonizing with my violin. It wasn't right. I didn't have to say anything else; we were at the party room doors.

They announced us, and as I entered I realized Darren had beaten us there, already found May. Her perfectly painted lips set in a still smile, round nails twisting around his arm. It was sickening, the way she looked at him, the light giggle that sounded every time he whispered in her ear. I could feel his sharp gaze on me though, and chills crept up my spine.

Quietly, I separated myself from papa, hearing an upbeat song come over the speakers as the party truly began. Sure, the food was slightly less then normal but no war would stop our lives.

I knew Darren wouldn't stop watching me all night, that he would make do on his promise to try for a dance with me, but I didn't care. My sister was the fool to fall for it. I had the world, every boy falling for me because she was taken. Watch me, Darren. Don't watch your girlfriend. Watch me instead, the girl you'll never have.

**Like always, please review!**


	5. Stars

**Chapter 4: Stars **

_Lord let me find him_

_That I may see him_

_Safe behind bars_

_I will never rest_

_Till then_

_This I swear_

_This I swear by the stars_

_-Les Miserables_

"Blow them up, get rid of them!" The shout rang through the door, and though Darren and I pretended we weren't listening, we both were. Hanging on every word and desperate to know it first.

Mr. Broderson sounded weary, exhausted and annoyed instead of the anger radiating from my father. "Mr. President, they have the nuclear missiles as well. We send one, they retaliate."

"Not if we hit first." Darren shot me a warm grin, as I tried to suppress a laugh at father's dark grumble.  
"That may be, Mr. President…"

"Stop with the Mr. President and all of it, Tauro. Coriolanus, that's the name that should be coming from your tongue."

Silence for a moment, then a chair scooting back as someone stood and footsteps came towards the door. "Indeed it would be, if that was the man I'm speaking to. In five minutes, it will be, but right now you're the President and your greatest wish it to order a nuclear attack. I urge you not to."

"Why Tauro? Why not just call it quits?"

"Our fathers picked you out of the two of us because they knew you would last the longest without quitting. Don't let them down." The knob turned and our gaze immediately shifted from the door as Tauro emerged. "I should have known I leave you two in the sitting room and you would migrate down here. Darren, we are leaving."

He said nothing, just rising to follow his father and I stood as well. "Can I go in?"

"There is nothing keeping you out. Keep him calm, will you?"

"I'm his little rose, he can't stay angry with me." Tauro managed a weak laugh before they turned the corner and I entered the office.

I paused immediately, taking in every detail of the room. The cold, yet filled, teacup on the side table by the sitting chairs, one pushed slightly to the side. The papers perfectly placed on his desk, not askew. Most of all, my father gripping the windowsill, watching night fall.

"She's out there," He began, voice strained. "Causing trouble, so far from falling."

"Papa..."

"She was right in our grasp, don't you realize it?" A fist pounded on the wood, creating a large pound in my heart. "Not only did we miss her, she shot at us! She took down our hovercrafts, conveniently appeared where we had an attack schedule and she got away!"

"We still have much on her, papa. We have the boy. That's the power we have. One little clip that aired in the Districts. How much did it do, we already had lost all but District Two to rebellion."

"Then the boy needs to be better put to use." I walked up beside him, resting my hand on top of his. The sky was streaked with red, stars starting to peak out from hiding.

"He will be; schedule another interview. I don't know what to have him say, but I'll make sure he is ready to do it."

"Look at those stars December." He pushed open the window, letting the night breeze whip through my hair. "Look at them and don't look away. We all look at the same stars across Panem, so why do we see them so differently?"

We looked on in silence as the night sky darkened and only the stars were left. What was the answer, why didn't they understand us like we understood them? Why couldn't we be one and the same? _Our pains are different kinds. _

"What did you say?" I knew as soon as I asked, that the voice echoing from the wind was not my father's, and I knew who it was. Thresh. I had thought him lost to me, memories fading as a petal falls from a rose. _Our pains are different kinds._

"I said nothing, my rose." I didn't look at my father, wanting to hear the voice again as rich as powerful as if he was right beside me, not the changed version of memories. _December Everett Snow, I won't ever leave you if I have a choice. _And he hadn't, he hadn't left me. He was right, he was still here inside me and I wasn't going to let go.

Then I knew how he would answer my father's original question, and how he would be right. _Our pains are different kinds. _"The stars. We were raised to see them differently, papa. To the others and me here, the stars are a sign of power, of expanse and greatness. To the Districts, it's dreams for a change, to cross the expanse of their lives and start someone new."

"I once tried to count that expanse of stars, and I hoped that one day my name would be known just like all those stars. Until the stars stop shining at night, I will not stop, do you understand my rose? They can flatten this city to the ground, but I will not stop fighting for it and what is right. I shall not rest until Katniss is behind bars and awaiting the most painful experience of her life. Then I shall give in to my age, and let it consume me. Then I will step aside but not a moment before." As quickly as the glaze in his eyes came, it vanished but the anger and meaning were still there. "Do what you have to do, don't wait. It's time we truly broke the Mockingjay and stopped saving all the tricks for a later date."

I nodded, leaving the room. It was time to confront those who had betrayed me.

**XXX**

"You lied to me." My voice was calm, with a hint of amusement. "I was going to take care of you." The metal door pounded on the cell wall while I pushed peacekeepers out of the way. Lavinia stared back wide eyed, no doubt waiting for me to come and free her. If only she deserved it.

She started to shake her head, a low gurgling sound emerging from her throat as I stared at her. There were so many paths to take, but I needed the most efficient, which meant less pain but a longer time span. I couldn't afford to find another Avox if this one and Darius died too quickly.

"I want a spark shot, every two hours on the dot and nothing more. Do the girl, and then the boy so there is ten minutes of full Avox screaming filling this corridor." Let Peeta count down the minutes until he has to listen to it again, let him blame himself for two hours and just as his thoughts move on, let him be reminded once more. "Starting now, I want to make sure you do the first one right." A peacekeeper slipped away to collect the shooter.

"Oh Lavinia, dear. I thought we understood each other. How is your revenge on Katniss working out, had you forgiven her?" She stopped looking at me and I knew she was right. "Don't always forgive people who play nice. Then they want you to forgive them because they need something. I won't ever ask your forgiveness because I will never need it. The spark shot isn't the worse I could do you know. Remember that."

The peacekeeper returned and I watched him pour the powder into the thin rod. "Fire when ready." He nodded, lifting the shooter and Lavinia's eyes darkened in fear. He pulled the trigger, a cloud of sparking powder hit her arm, and I watched finally feeling my own revenge as she scrambled to brush the sparks off while they danced on her skin. It only took a moment for the signature scream to emerge, and I motioned for them to prepare Darius. My job was done.

Kirsti waited in the corridor, exactly where I left her. I met her eyes as she looked up. "Are you pale, Kirsti, or have I never truly noticed your natural complexion?" She didn't move, except to nod her head towards Peeta's cell door. I peered inside, to find him cowering in the corner and laughed. "Kirsti, dear, you're smart enough to never betray me, aren't you?" Color rushed back into her face, and a small smile broke across her face.

And a smile embedded itself on mine, as I walked away from the cells with her, knowing he was with me still. I didn't need to love again, because my love hadn't even extinguished.

_Thresh. You once promised you would wait for me, and never leave me. Don't ever stop, because I'm right here. _My heart never felt so warm.


	6. Somewhere Love Remains

**Chapter 5: Somewhere Love Remains**

_Through the fire and rain_

_Somehow somewhere_

_I know through this pain_

_Somehow somewhere love remains_

My eyes watched the program, curling up against my father on the couch, Cory on his other side. "You two might as well have been born puppies. Equally cuddly, yet a bit less expensive to dress and feed." I laughed as May snickered from her chair.

Cory began telling a story and I half listened, simply closing my eyes and breathing deeply. Yes, for a moment I could believe things were getting better since the Quell. This is how we were meant to be, a family happy for once.

The screen flashed and I exhaled loudly. The sign came up in the corner that it wasn't the capitol feed, but what the districts were seeing. Another rebel broadcast, and afterwards Papa would have to leave because of it. We all fell silent, waiting to see what randomness they strung together this time. A Mockingjay flashed on the screen before it changed to a view of a large field with a boy sitting on a rock, his back facing the camera.

The moment he turned, I couldn't breathe. Thresh. It was Thresh in his games. He was laughing, head thrown back in the wind and calling out to the sky. "I know your there and cutting each word of this out right now. Wouldn't it be a shame if I kept talking like this until the moment I die? Would you even play my death then?" Nothing answered him, and his laughter continued. "Twelve has their romance, why can't I have mine? She is beautiful isn't she?"

My face paled as his words began to make sense. "But of course this won't do you any good will it? What will the people say when they hear about us? Fancy that, a district boy in love with December Snow." My whole family turned to me, but I didn't look at them, my eyes fixed on the screen and urging the image to be quiet. "And, I'll let you in on a little secret." Thresh stopped laughing and leaned forward. "She loves me too." I wasn't sure if it was the raid ending or the consequent of my father throwing his wine glass at the screen that the TV blacked out.

No one needed to speak for me to grasp the tension in the room, no one moved. I breathed deeply in repetition, each moment shaking more. I closed my eyes, pushing back tears forming as Thresh's face stayed imprinted on my vision. Why now, right when I had him with me and I was happy? What hadn't the world around me moved on? _You're a dreamer, you always have been and it is so easy for you to imagine the world you have right now. _It was supposed to work, it was supposed to work perfectly. Why was he always right?

"What the hell was that?" My father looked at me closely, his face flushed a bright red. "Everyone out! Get out!" he stood up knocking Cory to the side on the couch and pulling me to my feet. May and Cory dashed away quickly, yet my mother paused at the door.

"Don't pretend you didn't see this coming. You can dress her up and teach her to smile on cue, but that won't change what she was born as Coriolanus." I didn't even think about my mother's words as she left the room.

My focus resided only on my father, whose attention was fixed on the now black screen as he breathed heavily. "I thought you were worth something. Do you understand what this one broadcast can do to this family?" He turned back to me, grabbing the shoulder of my t-shirt in his fist, leaning in towards me enough and for the first time I wanted to recoil from the smell of roses.

"Tell me! I want to know why Thresh spared Katniss, tell me now."

"To repay her for helping Rue."

Father gestured and a guard slapped Peeta across the face, blood rushing down from his nose. "There was more to it then that. Tell me. "

"We had a deal, with Haymitch, the only one I ever knew about. Thresh didn't hurt us and we didn't hurt him. He spared her life, no more owed. Debts and deals are burdensome in the arena."

"Why did Haymitch make the deal?"

"Thresh was strong, a threat."

Another gesture and they brought out the same instrument I had seen Darren use. Peeta recoiled automatically as the guard caught him on the arm. At the same time, the screams emerged from down the hall; nothing allowed canceling the pain I had set. I saw in his face that the time had come, the debt he owed Thresh for sparing Katniss had been paid for this long and it was time to move on.

"December! They were together, they were in love. Tell her that she brought this on her self on a long time ago." He looked towards the security camera, no doubt sure I was watching. Did he know that I wanted to be anywhere but here?

That was enough for my father, enough to confirm what the rebel air raid said, what my eyes gave away. He had to let me know there was no faking it now. I watched him walk off the screen, not at all surprised when he entered the control room though I couldn't help but jump back.

"Tomorrow morning, I expect you to fix this in a direct response filmed in my office. You screw this up, and everything you say will be scripted from here on out. You won't do anything without my approval."

The threat of putting words in my mouth finally brought my voice back. "And what do you expect me to say?"

"That boy was crazy, going delirious from time in the arena. Anything that makes you think of him then nothing more than the dirt on your shoes."

"You know now that's a lie."

"These days, the truth doesn't matter. Tell the Capitol what they expect to hear, but remember one thing: he was the first time you lost. And you asked me to save him."

My father turned from the room, without saying another word and I didn't want to hear anymore. Inside his head, I knew thoughts were spinning and tomorrow I would find mental pain I would barely be able to cope with.

A pair of guards led me out of the cells, holding my arms as though I was a prisoner to escort, as though I was the traitor.

I couldn't make it to my room after the dropped me in the main living quarters, just simply curling up on the family room couch; wishing I could see Thresh's face once more off the broadcast, hear him say that he loved me one more time. Would they care if I hit the replay, fell asleep with his voice in my ears one more time?

I started to laugh, tears still streaming down my face. I remembered the Game Keepers watching me during those Games, more desperate then ever to keep me out of their room where ever camera was working at once. He only needed to give them one speech for high alert to begin. Did he know then exactly what he was creating?

_Twelve has their romance, why can't I have mine? _They were the same words I had questioned everyday, screaming at Katniss for messing with things that could mean the world to someone.

A hand touched my own. I opened my eyes to see my brother climbing up onto the couch next to me, grasping my hand. "What was it like to be in love?" His words startled me enough that I didn't even bother to deny it.

"It _is _beautiful, Cory." I raised my hand, the back of his brushing tears from my face. "The best thing that can ever happen, and the most terrible pain you will ever feel."

He wrapped his arms around me as I broke into another frenzy of tears. "It's going to be alright. Everything is going to be ok."

And somehow, as I looked at the determination on my baby brother's face, I believed him. It was his turn after 10 years, his turn to be the protecting one.

**Please review and now that school is wrapping up I should be able to write a lot more!**


	7. Rumor Has It

**Chapter 6: Rumor Has It**

_All of these words whispered in my ear,_

_Tell a story that I cannot bear to hear,_

_Just 'cause I said it, it don't mean that I meant it,_

_Just 'cause you heard it_

_-Adele_

Margarita woke me with a sharp shake on my shoulder, pulling me from the bed as I opened my eyes. It took only a moment for last night to flood my memories and I felt my eyes fill with water.

"Don't cry. That won't help what you need to do today." Her voice was sharp as I collapsed onto the vanity seat, noticing my eyes extremely puffy and I knew I had cried myself to sleep. "At some point, you need to get over his death, and I suggest you do it now. The gossip has spread into the Capitol, just like everything has the rebels have played before has."

Her words stung as she brushed through my hair. "They aired that clip knowing what it would do to me. Haymitch must have known." It was the first moment I let my father's words to get to me, allowing myself to know Haymitch had betrayed me again.

"He also knows that you can put on a face for the camera and I bet he thinks you can do it for your father too."

I couldn't say anything else, knowing she would dare tell me no more. The closer and more power you have, the more you are in danger. She worked in silence as I tried to forget why I was awake at the crack of dawn, and what I had at stake.

"Alright, let's get your clothes on so you can get downstairs." I looked at my make-up in the mirror, seeing dark colors outlining the hardest curves of my face. In the reflection, I could see Margarita pull a blood red top out the color of my lipstick. She pulled it over my head and I wanted to pull something on to cover my up, the back wide open and a v- neck down the middle of my chest. I quietly took off my pajama pants for the white mini skirt and twirled in the mirror.

She had made me a seductress, the exact woman a tribute couldn't help but lust over. "Thank you." The words were soft and I wasn't a hundred percent sure I meant them.

"Go. Being late will only make things worse." I remained silent as I left the room, panic racing through me while I walked to his office.

"Morning, my rose." Except for the voice of my father the office was silent. Every muscle in my body tensed as I took in the almost empty room, only seeing one cameraman, my father, Tauro Broderson and Darren.

"Morning Papa." I knew his plan in a moment. A regular camera crew wouldn't keep me from making a scene, where as the difference from any other broadcast could keep me silent so I could stay on my toes.

"Miss. Snow." Mr. Broderson nodded his head in my direction. "I am very sorry about this lie the rebels concocted."

"It is no problem, Tauro. I am sure that in the next half hour this issue will be resolved." He nodded and Darren eyed me coolly. I couldn't look at him , or I would break. He knew, he saw right through me because I had been a fool and trusted him so long ago.

"Alright, the plan is that Tauro will make his usual daily announcements for the Capitol and then you will give a short statement about the air raid."

Mr. Broderson finished his address and my father waved me forward towards the camera. I walked slowly, breathing deeply.

Standing in front of the lens, I tried to remember the last time I felt this frightened. It was years ago, when Finnick claimed the camera was my friend. _Hello._ The imaginary voice was soft in my head. I hadn't done this in years.

"Did you miss me?" I imagined the cheers of Panem as I spoke and saw my father almost smile. For a moment, I could convince myself of what I needed to do. Then Thresh echoed in my ears. _I wouldn't miss a moment of your face for the world. I'm always watching, my sweet_. Stupid higher power, please hear my prayer and tell Thresh I'm sorry.

"Now, those nasty little rebels were not very nice to me last night." I smirked, shaking a finger in front of the camera. "Please, me in love with a District boy? How desperate are they now? Sure, I sponsored him, even truly believed he would win but I don't ever remember even talking to most of the tributes I sponsored. This is why it is so important we don't let the rebels win. You give them one gift and they think you are madly in love. I gave him some food, imagine what they would do if we gave them Panem!"

Out of the corners of my vision I could see my father gloating and Darren smiling with the smuggest expression he could manage. I wanted to be done, crawl back upstairs but I wasn't yet. I could hear my father's voice loudly in my head. _Katniss better aim to convince me, that way she can't fall short for the Districts. _A plan formed in my head and I wanted to punch myself for even thinking it. "How could I even think above loving some stupid boy who couldn't even survive? In no way could such a person be manly enough for me." _Thresh, I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you. _

They turned the camera off, but the screens didn't go black. Instead they changed to Peeta. "They taped it last night, after your father got his little confession." Darren took my hand softly, like we used to do as children when we were supposed to be quiet.

"He's gone down hill quick since the last one, the make-up doesn't hide the damage anymore."

"It was mostly last night, I think. That's when the tremors in his hands started. Still, he is breaking if that's what only five days can do."

"Five? It's been at least a week and a half…"

"Pre-taped remember? To Panem that interview was five days ago. You usually don't slip up so easily."

"I'm tired, all right?" He squeezed my hand once, saying nothing but lightly kissing my cheek. I started listening to the interview, right as Peeta is looking right towards the camera, delivering a message just for Katniss.

"Don't be a fool, Katniss. Think for yourself. They've turned you into a weapon that could be instrumental in the destruction of humanity. If you've got any real influence, use it to put the brakes on this thing. Use it to stop the war before it's too late. Ask yourself; do you really trust the people you're working with? Do you really know what's going on? And if you don't… find out." The screen blacks out and the boy who betrayed my secret after swearing not to is gone. He deserved to be so beat up, look like he was in pain. I hoped he felt it.

_December. __Trust only me, even in my death. _I jerked away from Darren, my body crashing into one of the side tables. _Stop trusting everyone you do, especially your father._

"December!" Hands reached for me as I collapsed to the ground, but I didn't reach for them back. No, not now, not now. Don't let them unhinge you, December Snow. Don't fall for it anymore. Peeta, Thresh, why had I never noticed before how they both sounded the same?

The hands were touching me, lifting me into a chair and my father's pushing a glass of water to my lips. "My rose, look at me, please, look at me." I hadn't even realized my eyes were closed, but the light burned.

"I'll get a doctor, if it's…" Tauro's voice seemed distant, but my father's shrieks were close and I tried to latch on to them.

"No! Not her, not December I swear." His familiar hand was stroking my hair, the palm resting on my cheek and as the water slipped through my lips I felt my breath steady. "There you go, my rose. Open your eyes, child. We are all here."

I pushed Thresh's voice from my mind, basking in the familiar touch, the familiar cadences of the voices I grew up with. These were the people who loved me, who caught me when I fell and coaxed me back patiently to reality. I needed to stop trusting those who weren't here for me now.

I opened my eyes, managing a weak smile as papa filled my vision. "It's been a long twenty four with your choices of the past are catching up. Darren, go fetch December's avox so she can get help back to her room will you? I want her to rest for the day."

Darren disappeared and the men no longer paid any attention to me, talking about how to raise support in the Capitol, as no doubt a side effect of Peeta's condition was raising district support for the rebels. "Though I don't want to admit it, Haymitch had a knack for tricking Crane with the right ideas. I trust you'll see that he gets the hint."

"Of course, Coriolanus. I'll speak to him once we are finished here." There was a pause, but I still had voices running in my head that I wanted to block out. "Katniss will want him back, they will try eventually."

I felt sick. Why should she even get a chance, a hope that he will come back? I didn't. He was dead, he was gone. Why couldn't we just not want them back? Peeta said you change in the arena. Why couldn't Thresh have just changed so much I could have let him go? But then, there would still be pain. Love or no love leaves pain every time.

"Papa!" I managed to push myself to a standing position, him rushing to steady my arm. "Let Katniss have him, whenever they decide to try. Just make sure that he isn't the same, that it isn't a happy reunion." I didn't know exactly what I was saying, but Tauro and my father did.

"Tauro, I think it's time we tell the labs to breed some new tracker jackers. Haven't they been anxious to try that mind changing experiment?" Tauro just laughed, writing down a note on his pad as Darren returned with Kirsti. "Sleep well, my rose. When you wake I swear that we will win another day."


	8. Last Rose of Summer

**Chapter 7: Last Rose of Summer**

"Tell me about you and Darren Broderson." I raised my head up in shock; my father never came into my room. Never.

"What about me and Darren?"

"Tell me why Darren Broderson refuses to marry your sister." His eyes were cold and calculating, the eyes that weren't anger, but planning. Those were the eyes I had learned to fear.

"Why does it matter if they get married? That should be something for May and Darren to work out, it has nothing to do with me." I snapped the book closed, twisting around to give my father a space to sit on the bed.

"Tauro and I thought they were serious, that they wanted an engagement and this is the opportune time. For the Brodersons to show that they still have faith in this family's success right now is key to the war effort." Yesterday, that's what they had been talking about when I was weak and faint. How had I missed it? "Tauro suggested to his son to make the proposal, yet Darren refuses to even mention it to May. Why?"

"Why do you think I have all the answers? They dated, and now they aren't. He probably realized that she is a snotty materialistic girl that won't ever be a warm bed fellow."

"December Everett Snow. This is a matter of state, and I am ordering you to tell me what you know." Of course, I knew why Darren was holding back. It wasn't a surprise to me because May had always been a bargaining chip to him, an enticement and plaything until he could score his final goal, the goal that I wouldn't allow. "I will get the information from you, so you can choose to make this easy or not."

"I don't know, papa. I don't like the boy, so how can I possibly even hope to know what he is thinking?" I could feel sweat growing on my palms and I rubbed it onto the bedspread. Why today, why today when I was ready to go downstairs and live again?

"Really? You swear that you know nothing." I nodded, my eyes meeting his to shine perfect innocence. "You know nothing about why he is claiming he is already engaged."

_"December! This isn't fair! You can't do this to me!" I tugged my arm away, trying to escape from the school building. "We are engaged!"_

_ My hand flattened quickly in time to slap him across the face. "The deal was, Broderson, that I would be with you when Thresh came out of the arena alive. If you haven't noticed, he is dead and so the deal no longer stands."_

"He...we…deal…" I was stumbling for words, knowing I already had lost my cover the moment he looked into my eyes and said engaged.

"Go on. This is a story I am anxious to hear." I tried to breathe in and out to calm my racing heart, trying to get a handle on how much Darren had betrayed me. Tears started pouring from my eyes, yet my father made no move to wipe them away like he usually did.

"It was the 74th games, and Thresh…" My voice cracked on his name, the image of his golden eyes staring at me with intense love taking over. I hadn't said his name since the broadcast, less then thirty-six hours ago.

"Still the dead boy? To think you kept it quiet for so long when so much revolves around that one little secret, your one little…"

I started talking again, anxious to block out my father's words. He was not a 'dead boy', he was so much still a living part of me. "I was worried about him, and Darren knew, Darren found out. Darren said he wanted me, wanted to marry me but I wouldn't take him and he got angry and desperate. He preyed on me in my most desperate moment to save Thresh and offered to sponsor him and protect him if I agreed to get married after the games, after Thresh came out alive. That was the deal, papa, that I would marry him when Thresh came out alive. But he didn't! He died like an animal, and the deal was broken. Darren knows that, he knows." I felt like I was rambling, emotion taking over all my senses.

My father said nothing, only grabbed hold of my arm and dragged me from the room. Tears flooded my eyes, and I could barely see where we were going; yet I knew. His office was where all state business was conducted, and Broderson had just made this state business.

"This is not a time for games, boy! I need you to…" My father pushed open the office door, raising his hand for silence as we entered. The room was empty except for Tauro Broderson standing in front of Darren, both of them red in the face.

"I've gotten to the bottom of it, Tauro. Both of you," He gestured to Darren and I harshly. "Take a seat." Darren reached for my hand but I slapped him away. He mouthed an apology but I ignored it. It was too late. "First, I do not appreciate deals being made behind my back of this much importance. We are in war and…"

"Papa, it was before the war." I started to stand, but fell back into my seat as Tauro pushed on my shoulders.

My father's lips tensed for a moment before separating to release sound. "Shut up." Even the Broderson looked on in shock at my father's harshness. I was his golden angel, never wrong, wasn't I? "You will marry Darren."

"Papa!"

He didn't acknowledge me, it was like I was a painting to be stared at but never communicated with. "It's the best way to settle anymore of this Thresh business hanging around, and it will show strength in the line. It's time we tied loose ends, and this is how it will be done. In three weeks exactly you will be married."

"Mr. President, please. Don't make her do this!" Darren rushed to his feet, leaning over the desk.

"Don't make her, or don't make you?" I couldn't turn to look at Tauro, but I felt his hands grab my shoulders tighter. What did he have to say, did he find it a lost cause like us? Did he know his son better then my father is pretending to know me?

"I love her, maybe it's because I've been pushed at her my entire life and assumed to be in love with her, but now I am and I won't stop. I want her to be happy, and she won't be happy with me, she made that clear years ago."

"This is a war, not peace time. Her happiness doesn't matter anymore." I opened my mouth, but Broderson beat me to speech.

"It does to me." My father and Darren stared each other down, and I silently praised the boy's strength.

"Then marry May and let's call it done."

"No."

"Then it is done. Tonight, the two of you will appear on national television and announce the engagement. You have one hour to get ready, so leave this office."

"What of May? You'll make your younger daughter miserable by forcing her to marry the boy the other one loves? Papa! What has happened to you?"

"I have not changed, December Snow! You're the one who has changed, you're the one that has gotten out of line these last few months!"  
"Maybe I've just grown up!"  
"Maybe you think you have, but all you are is a spoiled child!" I didn't see the slap coming, only felt it sting my flesh. It wasn't like before, when the peacekeepers in the room raced to my aid, arrested my grandmother for it on my order. No, this time I was alone. "Get out of my sight, both of you."

I stalked from the room, perfectly aware that Darren was following me but I didn't confront him until he tried to get into my bedroom. "What are you doing?"  
"You don't have enough time to call Margarita over, so I thought I'd at least help you make yourself presentable. You're a wreck."

"Shouldn't I be? You of all people, I would think would understand. But then again, this is your fault!"

"Mine? Why is everything always my fault? You think I wanted to fall in love with you, the one person in the world you wouldn't marry me? A lot, actually like you and your district boy, the one boy you couldn't have either! You should know how I feel!"

"You are the one who had to go playing around with my sister! If you had just left me alone, and didn't mess with her they wouldn't expect a wedding!"

"Then take me as luck, December. At least I'll understand that your heart will never be mine because I know what it feels like to really love someone and not have her. It's the most distracting thing in the world, I get that. Now, try and forget it for ten minutes while we have to be on camera. I bet your father is even calling in Caesar."

"Is this funny to you? This isn't a date, you idiot! It's marriage!"

"No, it isn't funny at all." Something about his serious tone or the frown locked on his lips broke me, since there was still light dazzling in his eyes. For once I was crying, and Thresh had nothing to do with it. Or did he? _We still have the winning hand; because for some reason I now think I have Darren Broderson on my side. _Did we ever, Thresh?

"Don't cry, December." I felt a pair of hands grab my own and I blocked out the voice as I tried to imagine them being Thresh's instead. Those hands lead me over the bed, sitting me down then entire arms wrapped around me and pulled me into a shoulder. "We'll work it out, you're the strongest person I know. Think about Cory, do it for Cory."

Then I allowed myself to think who it really was, but I lacked any energy to recoil. "For Cory." My voice was a whisper, but I felt the determination I was so used to start seeping into my veins, right as Darren began to sing softly in my ear.

"Tis the last rose of summer, left blooming alone. All her lovely companions are faded and gone. " His fingers brushed my cheek as he tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. "No flower of her kindred, no rosebud is nigh, to reflect back her blushes and give sigh for sigh."

"I know that tune, it's from the book we stole a few years back. I never paid attention to the words."

"Can you play it?"

"Is that a challenge?" He laughed lightly, brushing a tear from my cheek before standing and reaching for my violin. He started the next verse, and I felt my fingers move along the strings as I joined him.

"I'll not leave thee, thou lone one, to pine on the stem. Since the lovely are sleeping, go to sleep though with them. Thus kindly I scatter thy leaves o'er the bed where thy mates of the garden lie scentless and dead."

My whole body started shaking, another round of tears coming. Life was music, and then it wasn't. It was beautiful and sad, full of emotion and feeling, but so much harder.

"Come on, rose girl. It's time to fool them all for one more day." This time, fully knowing what I was doing, I accepted his outreached hand.

**A/N: The song Darren sings is 'Last Rose of Summer', recorded by Celtic Woman. **

**Please review!**


	9. Thinking of You

_**This chapter is in honor of gabisamore who has been making me smile all week with her awesome reviews **_

**Chapter 8: Thinking of You**

_He kissed my lips, I taste your mouth, oh!_

_He pulled me in, I was disgusted with myself_

_'Cause when I'm with him I am thinking of you_

_Thinking of you, what you would do_

_-Katy Perry_

The lights were hot, and I tried to keep calm like so many times before. This was no different then the lies before, where you simply pull from the truth. I knew Thresh was watching, I just hoped Haymitch was so he could see what he had done to me. I wanted him to know that he ruined my life.

"Let's welcome December Snow and Darren Broderson!" The quickly assembled crowd roared and I felt Darren's hand clasp mine.

"You know, smiling tends to help." His voice was a thick whisper in my ear. How had I forgotten to smile? We settled into chairs and Darren never let me go. I wanted to pull away, move far away and never look back. I didn't, for my own selfish preservation and I hated it. The idle chatter at my side seemed distant and I tried to grasp each word but it all came in fragments. Something about a my dress that I responded to lightly, Darren's hinting at a surprise, Caesar asking to tell him more, and finally, our future marriage. The crowd hushed for a moment, I felt his lips linger on my cheek and touched it just to make sure my smile was still embedded there. Then the applause and cheers began.

"Now, December, you must tell us how he proposed. I'm sure this bright young man did it very tastefully."

How did I expect to warp the truth for this one? "Well, it definitely was something to be remembered." Buy myself time and think December. When did Darren ever do something at all like proposing? Cornering me by the elevator to offer to help for Thresh, that was his technical proposal. Except, here that would make no sense. Young love, that's what this was supposed to be. How come both sides in this war are starting to play the same game?

"Would you like me to tell it? You seem in a daze just remembering." I nodded, trying to breathe and memorize the story coming from his lips. "It's no secret that we ditch school on some days, we ditched last Tuesday in fact." He's right, we did. Now I don't even remember why. "We go to the training center for the games, messing around with the supplies in the training room. December is pretty talented with a sword and like usual she got me on the ground." He was basing it off of when he told me he loved me, in the 67th arena. "That's when I asked her, when she had a blade to my throat." The audience laughed, a good number clapping and hollering. "I caught her off guard long enough that I flipped on top, and she screamed yes. At first I couldn't tell if she was just yielding the fight or agreeing to marry me."

"And how did you decide which?"

"Let me tell you, December Snow does not kiss boys she is yielding to like _that_." There was another round of shouting and I flashed a smile. Why did I need his help so much, why was I freezing up?

"December, your father called this interview quite last minute. Why did you wait over a week then decide to tell us so suddenly?"

This was the moment, the moment where I couldn't screw up. "Well, Caesar, I wanted to share it with all of you yesterday, when I was explaining how…false… the rumors about me and that tribute were. Darren and I were planning to wait until the war was over to announce it, but then I thought why not have some happiness in all this darkness? Of course, it wasn't very fair to my _fiancé…_" I took Darren's hand, trying to maintain my smile. "That the entire capitol thought I loved some other boy than him."

"Not fair at all, I would say."

"Torturous actually." He laughed, kissing me on the cheek before working his way to my lips. I shut my eyes, putting myself back into those fields under open skies where the kisses were sweet and ripe.

"All right, all right. You two can continue that after one last question." I tried to look flushed as Darren pulled away. "Sure, we all thought there might be something more than simple friendship between the two of you, but lately you, Darren, have been seen escorting the other twin to parties and such. I think the Capitol wants to know how serious that relationship ever was."

"I don't think that honors May's privacy." His voice was rough for the first moment I glimpsed the discomfort I was feeling. "We tried it out, it didn't work."

"Come now, that last party thrown in the Presidential mansion it was you and May. What changed?" Caesar's smile was bright, I and wondered if he ever had any idea how important each of the moment was always apart of were. How one wrong word could change our goals in a second, and how there was no going back.

"Yes, Darren." I played jealous well, it was just like anger and that's all I was feeling. "Please enlighten us on that change."

"I always loved December, but there was a time when I didn't think she loved me. I was a fool who lost hope and tried love somewhere else. May and I are friends, but we don't complete each other like December and I, no one does. Both of them have always felt like sisters, and through this engagement May will be one by law." For a quick moment, he flashed a sly smile and I wanted to punch him.

Because he was right, that no one completes us the exact way we do. Not even Thresh, not my beloved Thresh could sit beside me and find answers when I couldn't. We didn't have this rhythm.

No, don't think that. I tried to push the thoughts from my head, remember the way his hand felt in mine. We completed each other the other way, mind and body. Thresh's touch electrified me, cleared my mind in a moment. Darren only worked as half my mouth.

"Wedding plans!" I shout rang through the crowd and Caesar laughed.

"How could I have forgotten? Surely knowing you to it will be a party for us all to look forward to?" Another round of cheers, another round of the happiness I should be feeling. This was self-sacrifice, the kind we imposed on the districts where for a moment their happiness needed to vanish for the pleasure of others. This was honor for our country, so why did I feel so broken?

I managed one more false smile, placing a steady picture in my mind of Thresh at the all. How would that wedding have been, in a perfect world? "The ceremony itself will be private, just family and close friends but we will air it live on the screens I'm sure. We want it to feel…intimate. The party itself I'll leave to my mother, that is what she does best."

"And I'm sure Maribelle Snow will keep the entire thing very secretive then. Well, I'm afraid that is all the time we have as the two of you need to get to your engagement party."

I flashed Darren an angry glance when I knew the cameras weren't focused on us. From the stress in his eyes I knew he hadn't known either. We spent our childhood whipping off success on a moment's notice; did they think we were professional? I couldn't stand one more second of his false touch when all I wanted was a different pulse that used to match with my own heart.

Golden eyes, dark skin and deep voice that whispered the kindest words.

The cameras shut off and Darren's arm slipped around my waist as we stood, as one, in unison. It was believable, it was perfectly simple and everything was natural, as it should be. They couldn't see the lies and dreams I pushed through my head.

"I would have told you. I wish they had told me." The voice was distant as I blocked it out, but the strength of the touch never faltered.

"You're just as troublesome as me now in father's books. You told him no, not a wise move if you want information." He chuckled, leading me through the doors of my home and a new round of camera flashes had begun. "Caesar was right, what about May? She'll hate us."

"In private, but she wouldn't dare tonight. I don't know if they told her all of it, but she'll guess something more than us suddenly falling head over heels for each other happened."

"What if she doesn't?"

"It's time, December, to pick who you believe is important in your life. The world is a rough place right now, we are in war and old alliances die while new ones are formed for survival. Tonight, you must decide if you pick your sister or not."

"She's family…"

"In many ways, everyone who is going to be in that room is. Your grandmother was family, wasn't she?" I suddenly could feel the air of that dark room, see her eyes grow wide as I dripped the poison into her mouth. "You felt loss at her death, but you could move on and embrace the world. It's time to decide just how much May means to you."

The doors opened and I could see her by the windows, scowling in our direction immediately while she clasped onto Cory's hand. Shouldn't I want to run to her, assure her I meant her no harm? No. I just wanted to run to her to snatch Cory away from her whiny clutches.

And maybe a small part of me did wish her harm; wish to see her suffer like she always wanted me to. A part of me just needed to continually beat her at her own game. It was that small part that latched onto Darren's waist, allowing him to tuck me under an arm and kiss me on the lips for all the cameras.

**X X X**

"I saw the broadcasts. It's funny, I've seen the strategy played before and it doesn't end up so well." Peeta gestured to the bleak cell walls and smiled blankly.

"I didn't think they gave you access to the screens." My voice was hollow as I looked at his dark eyes that had lost the glimpses of sun I once knew in them.

"Come on, little Snow. You knew I would see it, that's why you came down here instead of still being at your fancy party." I pushed Darren's worried gaze from my mind, tried to forget the tenderness in his touch.

I managed another one of thousands of weak snickers for the night. "All right, if you're so smart why exactly am I here?"

"You want to know why I would have done it, why I would have married her even though she didn't love me back." Had I become so predictable in my confusion, so out of my level? "You want to know why Darren agreed."

Yes, that's exactly what I wanted to know. Why he was so all right with it when I made it clear the whole thing was despicable. What did I need to do to make him know this was bad for both of us? "Darren didn't agree, he said he wouldn't because I didn't love him."

"I did first too, I fought back though maybe not to Katniss's face, but definitely Haymitch." His gaze continued to slip away and become more distant. "But I still had to play the part everyday while I was fighting and I realized there's a sense of hope whenever you are with the person you love." Like Thresh, the way my skin still pined for his touch and just to be at his side. The comfort I had felt sitting at his grave though he wasn't truly there and the way his voice still rang in my head. "If that's all these Games and this world was going to give me, the right to be at her side and just feel that sense of hope I wasn't going to let it slip away."

That was it, in some of this darkness Darren could see the light and had clamped on to it. Now all I needed was to find my own ray.

**Please review **


	10. High Flying Adored

**Chapter 9: High Flying Adored**

_You won't care if they love you_

_It's been done before_

_You'll despair if they hate you_

_You'll be drained of all energy_

_All the young who've made it would agree_

_-Evita_

"Four more days, this has been the longest three weeks of my life." I flopped back on my bed, shielding my eyes to not see the wedding dress as Kirsti folded it up from Margarita's last fitting. She gave a broken chuckle and motioned for me to come to the vanity for another face wash. "No, not again. My skin can't take anymore scrubbing. Margarita will do her make up magic before wedding anyways. I'll go visit father, maybe he's decided to cancel the wedding." She snorted. "Don't use that tone with me, anything is possible." Kirsti just shrugged, her judgmental silence growing incredibly frustrating by the day.

It had been a long three weeks, by sure. There had been more clips from the rebels; we lost Districts 3 and 11. And Peeta, though the tracker jacker venom had begun it's work he still was foolish, he still betrayed us and warned all of them. Well, he fell to the bait and warned them. Why else would we have let him know?

I whipped a smile onto my face as I entered father's office and gleefully found him alone. "Four days, papa, and you walk me down the aisle. Do you feel old?"

"Of course, my rose, anything you say. Now I'm glad you're here, I was just about to send for you, I have instructions." He gestured to the seat across his desk and I groaned. "If you makes you feel better, this isn't wedding business. The rescue party for Peeta and the others is about ready to leave. Through my sources I've sent Haymitch a message. If he agrees to meet my embassy, I'll give them a free shot to Peeta."

"Haymitch, why not Coin?" Why did that name constantly creep up on me was what I really wanted to know.

"Haymitch has something I can use to pull him here. You." I raised my eyes from scratching the filth out from under my nails. "You will be the emissary that he is expecting to meet."

"Me?" My tone wasn't surprise, who was better than I to entrap the traitor?

"You. He knows any trap I lay would have to be perfect enough that there was no chance you would be harmed, and there are very few of those I'd be confident Haymitch wouldn't slip from. He also trusts you, for whatever it is worth."

I picked up a paperweight from his desk, tossing it back and forth in my hands. "What if they lay a trap for me?"

"Then you know what to do." He handed me a white rose that I tucked into my hair. "Lower, my rose, so you can reach it if need be." I adjusted it, testing my capabilities as though hands were tied.

"Terms?"

"Complete surrender. The occupants of thirteen spreads evenly into the other twelve districts and we destroy the base. Coin's execution, and permanent detainment of Katniss. The other ones I want custody of can be arranged and bargained if you so wish. There is a debriefing file on the hovercraft." I nodded, replacing the paperweight and immediately running a checklist through my head.

"I shall send Kirsti to gather clothes, Margarita's focus is on the wedding. At any point, am I allowed to order fire?"

He smiled up from the papers in his hands. "Only if they move first."

"Lets hope they do then." My day could use for a little excitement.

**X X X**

"I'm growing tired of your games, Abernathy." The clock on the wall read we had been here for two hours, passing terms back and forth. Already I had given Finnick and Peeta house confinement under Peacekeepers back in their own district. What more did he want? "Do you agree to our terms or no? It's a simple question."

He smiled and folded hands behind his head. "In that case, no. I am in Coin's service, I won't offer her up for execution."

I knew he wasn't going to budge, that this would be the end. I just wouldn't let him think I accepted defeat. "Are you in her service? I'm highly surprised she let you come here."

"I told no one where I was going, all they know is that they need to get Peeta and the others out, they know nothing of why it will be so easy."

"So Haymitch Abernathy has decided to become the silent hero. That's a new face for you."

"Maybe I wanted to see you." For the hundredth time, I wanted to punch him, to arrest him or anything.

"No you didn't. You wanted to do something for your little Mockingjay princess." I couldn't even bring myself to say her despicable name. Watching his face was disgusting enough. "You're wrapped around her finger."

"Yes, I support the Mockingjay. I support the Rebellion. Why would I deny it to you? Just listen for a moment. Maybe I did come to see you."

"Why?" My arms lifted in exasperation as I slouched back in the seat.

"Katniss is important to me, but you are the only person I've ever thought of as something like a child…" His eyes shifted from my to the camera hanging in the corner momentarily. Did he know it was a direct feed back to papa? "My child."

"People don't leave their children." They didn't. Ever. Family was the ultimate blood, didn't he see it? We were nothing like family, Haymitch and I. We never could be.

"Katniss is in my mind, my focus, but you are in my heart."

"Then listen to your heart. Even if you don't agree to complete surrender, I'll pardon you right now if you admit you were wrong." Was it longing that plagued my voice? Did I want him to come with me so bad? I didn't know if I could give a pardon, but papa wouldn't go against it if I asked. Not again, not like Thresh. He wouldn't do that to me twice.

"Maybe the conflict of the two of you that keeps me awake at night still isn't sorted out enough to make that choice."

I sighed, bored out of my mind. In the metal table, I caught a blurred reflection and remembered the weapon delicately held in my hair. "I could end all of this, right now. I have the tools."

"Your father is a fan of poison, will that become your tool as well then?" I knew the clip Finnick had aired; it had played on my way here. I just was stupid enough to think Haymitch wasn't behind it. "I just don't think he'd ever use it for suicide."

"Suicide? I was thinking to use it on you." My fingers ripped off a leaf, shoving it towards Haymitch. I would watch, just like I did with grandmother. I would watch and smile. "Eat one leaf and those conflicted feelings won't bother you anymore."

He took the leaf and shredded it before tucking it into his pocket. Too bad it wasn't a touch poison. "Not today, little one. I take it this meeting is adjourned?"

"Very well, as you will not submit to our terms." The chair squealed on the tiled floor as I pushed from the table.

Yet before I could stand, his hand clasped on my wrist. "Come away with me, December, come back to Thirteen. Leave all the strife in the Capitol."

"You've left me before, why ask me to come now?" A sneer played on my lips, and I jammed my heel into his toes to make him drop his hand.

Though he released his grip, he acted though there was no pain in his toe. Bummer. "You are still angry about me choosing the rebellion then? I didn't choose Katniss over you, I chose her _cause_ over yours."

"There's no difference." A Cause? Our causes define us, don't they?

"Yes there is." He knelt on the ground, reaching for my hands once more but I pushed him off.

"I've moved on from that. Do you know what I'm still upset with?" Thresh's face played in my mind, that face on the TV screen that started everything bad. "That single clip, the Thresh one. That was a low blow, Haymitch."

"And you handled it just well. I knew you would, that's why I let them do it." I handle everything well, it doesn't me I like it. Still, there was collateral damage.

"Really? Have you ever thought that Darren is your fault? My wedding is in four days. It is a pity you won't be there."

"Trust me, little one, everyday I ask myself why I've done a lot of things, including things about you, all about you. I want to be at your wedding, but I'm not going to be able to."

_There are so many riddles you need to try to understand. _Where was the riddle, Thresh, in an old man gone delusional? An old man who couldn't set his priorities?

"Go away." I wasn't sure if I was speaking to Thresh in my head or Haymitch at my feet. I wanted them both gone for just one single moment to my own brain.

Haymitch stood, walking to the door and looking everywhere but at me. "One day you will fall, little one. Maybe not in this rebellion, but what about when you are old and have lost your pretty face? Where do you go up from here, tell me that. What happens when one word can't make them scream your name anymore? Have you ever thought that maybe you've reached your high point?"

I laughed. He was delusional, that's all. No one would ever stop screaming my name. They were programmed too. "There is more room for me than you Haymitch. Didn't you once say I should become President? I won't, but I'll be his sister, rich and wife of his chief advisor. Sure, I'll be second to Cory's wife but at least I don't need to plan how to spend the party money, she'll do it for me. They'll always love me, you're the fool who can't see it."

"Listen to me, if like usual you fail to hear every other word, hear this." Oh, I heard everything all right. That's why I wished I had a knife in my hand to aim at his heart. "When we win, I don't want you to be scared. I promise, no harm will come to you. I swear."

I laughed while he pushed on the handle, the door swinging open before one last thought popped into my head. "Haymitch? What was the third thing in the jar you gave me when I was little?"

"Dirt, like the others."

I huffed, knowing I could have guessed that. "From where?"

"The Outskirts."

The City Circle, District 12 and the Outskirts. They had nothing in common. I still didn't see the picture. "Why?" Maybe I didn't care.

He glanced at the camera once more, and then quickly turned. "Goodbye December Everett Snow. I'll see you again, once all of this is over."

No doubt you will, when I come to mock you in your jail cell.


	11. One Hand, One Heart

**Here you go! The moment you've all been waiting for… and our beloved December has been dreading with all her heart. It's Wedding Day! To celebrate, here's an extra long chapter so enjoy!**

**Chapter 10: One Hand, One Heart**

_Make of our lives one life,_

_Day after day, one life._

_Now it begins, now we start_

_One hand, one heart,_

_Even death won't part us now._

-_West Side Story_

Everything was heavy. The gown, the jewels, my hair. Even the shoes made it painful to lift my feet. Shouldn't I feel beautiful? I only felt exhausted, though standing still was a chore on it's own. I paced, back and forth in the hall, waiting for someone to open the front doors, so I could walk into the circle and get this all over with.

"Stop it, December. The more you fret the worse your wrinkle lines will be later tonight."

"I don't have wrinkles." Her own fretting just made me pace faster.

"Not yet at least, and I do hope for my own sake you never do. Now, do you remember what to do?"

I stopped, sitting harshly on a one of the benches for people waiting to see my father, on a regular day that is. "Bloody thirteen's sake, mother, all I have to say is 'I do agree'. How complicated can it be?"

Mother threw her hands in exasperation, prancing over to my father who stared out the window. "She's going to mess this entire thing up Coriolanus!"

"Leave her be, Maribelle, or look me straight in the eyes and tell me that you weren't anxious on our wedding day." Papa glanced at his watch, holding up his fingers to count down from five, and right on cue I heard music echo from outside.

"Come, my rose. Today is your day, and don't forget it." If it were truly my day, I would not be in this stupid gold dress and covered in jewels. Not to mention I would probably be able to recognize my own face. Yet, I took his arm and felt mother grab the trail of my gown as an Avox opened the door.

People crowded the City Circle, only two long aisles cleared. One for me, one for Darren. We walked carefully, my only determination to not trip in my stupid shoes, and for a fleeting moment I wondered what Darren was thinking, then I realized I couldn't care less.

The aisles met, and I distantly felt Mrs. Broderson take my trail from my mother while she went to take the arm that Darren's father was not holding held. It starts with the exchange of mothers, then fathers after we wed. I just hoped I had that right in my head.

An official stood at the stand in the Circle's center, and a murmur rose in the crowd as I walked down the center aisle side by side with my fiancé and our parents. Save me now, anyone.

Things blurred, words rushing through my mind that I failed to make sense of. It was all recorded, what felt like on a hundred cameras. I could watch later for the details. The official gave the speech about unity, how we united two families such as Panem united the Districts under one banner. I felt my foot move with Darren's to crush the wine glass wrapped in a cloth, to get the damage of the union out of the way, as damage is inevitable but now we had prevented it, or something. Then the water dripped down my face as Darren drew a circle with it on my forehead, and I on his, to wash away childhood.

Then the words started. "I, Darren Blake Broderson, choose you, December Everett Snow, to be my lawful wife, to respect you in your successes and in your failures, to care for you in sickness and in health, and to cherish our union through good times and bad, regardless of the obstacles we may face together."

"And does the woman, December Everett Snow, agree?"

Eyes watched me all over Panem; I could feel their stares digging under my flesh. '_I'm always watching, my sweet', you once said. Are you watching now, Thresh? Can you bear to watch me sign my life away? I was once prepared to do this, because then I was doing it for you._ I felt my father's grasp on my arm tighten, Darren watching me carefully as though he assumed I would bolt. I've been known all my life for my strength and loyalty; this one thing could be overcome. "I do agree."

_Thresh, save me. Create something of this for me, maybe ask that God of yours to lend a hand. I just want to be happy, let me be happy. _Darren was beaming as he wrapped an arm across my back, pulling me in for the marital kiss. I wanted to pull away, but I didn't know how to anymore. I surrendered the day I agreed for his help to save Thresh. That was the day I lost.

I felt his heart racing as his chest pushed lightly against me, and a thought whisked through my mind that even stopping that steady pulse would do no good. _You died, and I was broken. If he dies, nothing will change and I will still be lost. _The silence of that heart would only lead to pity, not freedom. I'd have to live in accordance with Darren's memory; I would forever carry the name Broderson that would be mine legally by morning on every Capitol document.

_Be happy with him. He'll give you what I can't now. _Thresh's final words echoed in my mind and I realized they weren't about my father; they were about Darren. His final will was for this day to come, for me to be happy but I couldn't be when all I could do was think of him.

People began to cheer, knowing it was all done as Mr. Broderson took my arm and both of my in-laws kissed my cheeks. For a moment, I caught sight of all six of us on a screen. We looked happy, like a family. I guess I was the only one not feeling it.

**X X X**

The players scampered towards us, juggling fire and adorned in crowns of ice. They were known in the Capitol, a treat for the elite alone. Perhaps the Districts would enjoy seeing such a spectacle that was usually shielded from their eyes.

It was a new story, something about roses, and quite entertaining to the crowd yet I only watched May's face as she forced laughter. How much had she wanted this to be her day, truly? She was fit to be a bride, the flowing dress and her hair elaborately pinned as mine. I didn't feel guilt; it was her fault. She should have been more appealing, more like me.

"You're going to come visit, right December?" Cory's fingers traced my blasted wedding ring. "All the time?"

"Didn't I tell you last week that I'm going to walk across the Circle everyday for breakfast?"

"I won't totally steal your sister. Have you seen the house all lit up?" Cory shook his head and Darren clasped onto his hand to lead him to the window. I followed absentmindedly, not wanting to let anyone think they could talk to me. Wasn't I supposed to look enamored with my husband anyways?

Cory pressed against the window, my eyes focused on the crowd. Haymitch was wrong, even in my cruelest moment they adored me, loved me, and honored me. I was everything the common people imagined; so much they wanted one single glimpse of my party lights. "Can I come visit you?"

"Every moment you wish. See, I won't be far away at all." The house did look lovely across the Circle, all lit up like Darren had said. He had picked every detail while I was stuck in wedding plans; he was walking through the foundation that turned into a skeleton then to one of the most lavish homes in the Capitol. One he still hadn't let me see.

I felt Darren's hand clasped my shoulder, his breath on my ear as he whispered. "The rebels are airing a clip on the feed they have, it's Finnick and Annie's wedding, talking about the differences between loved and forced marriages." Haymitch, the bastard. I guess he really did think I could handle anything, or maybe now he truly didn't care."

"It doesn't matter. We are in love, they probably forced those two to hurry up and get married just to ruin our night, sweetie." I kissed his cheek, snuggling into his shoulder. "No need to worry."

"No one can hear you." I knew he was right; our voices low enough, but there were always eyes.

"I just don't like taking risks."

Darren laughed, steering me back from the window and away from my brother who still watched the glowing lights and happy crowd. "Let's finish with the real publicity, shall we?"

"I hate you."

"That's more like the December I know." He opened the balcony door and the roar was deafening. A Peacekeeper was waiting, yet he didn't need to call into the microphone for our appearance to be noted. Everyone was pointing. We waved, forcing smiles while our hands stayed clasped together. How many of them saw the Finnick broadcast? Any that did, I silently hoped they realized that their precious star crossed lovers of District 12 were yet to be publicly and legally married. When was the last time we heard about that arrangement?

Darren's arm moved from clasping my hand, to slipping around my waist and turning me towards him. It shouldn't have surprised me when he leaned into kiss me, but I tensed all the same. Words were mumbled into my neck. "You're going to have to get better at this. Even Katniss can fake a kiss."

I laughed loudly, as though he was the funniest man alive and the Capitol naturally laughed with me. "Is that better?" It should be. My voice was even light. The peacekeeper nodded that we could return inside, and I pranced away without a single look back at the people gathered.

"Are you tired, my dear? It is late, we could retire home." He said it so naturally, like I had been there before. Like a Master bedroom suite wasn't awaiting me every night from now on. I nodded anyways, glad for an excuse to get away from the party. Darren told a peacekeeper to spread the news we were leaving, and as he did a few boys from our class approached.

"Hey Broderson, you can't be leaving yet! Look at this party for you!"

"Enjoy it for me, will you? If this woman was your wife, you'd be anxious to get to bed too." As they patted him on the shoulder, I squeezed his hand with all the force I could muster. That was not a comment I was ok with.

He got the message, saying the rest of our goodbyes simply and quickly. If Broderson honestly that that tonight we would…do _that…_me and him…well, it was out of the question.

Before I could slap him, Papa caught my free hand and pushed it to my side. Why do parents know us so well? "We'll see you for breakfast?" His voice was soft, a tinge of sadness playing it that I tried to block out. Being angry was easier.

"Of course, papa. I have yet to train my new kitchen staff and I doubt they could ever get my yogurt parfait up to expectations without some work." A group of guests clustered around laughed, and I simply tried to be girly. "It took this staff almost 17 years, didn't it?"

Papa laughed, kissing my forehead. "I am so proud of you. You've done so much more then could ever have been expected."

"Of course I can do anything, papa." He brushed hair from my face as I leaned up to kiss his cheek. "I'm your own flesh and blood."

"Never mind, my rose. Get to bed; you deserve a good night's rest. Take good care of this one, Broderson. She's important." Something in me broke, as I watched a quick-formed mist fade from papa's eyes. Maybe he didn't want this at all either, but our family made sacrifices for the people. They better remember to appreciate it.

"Yes, sir. I won't let her out of my sight."

"People of Panem! I, December Ev… Snow Broderson, give you my husband!" It should have been Thresh, everyone who have liked him; that I know. I'm not stupid, the rebellion was watching now in incorrect disgust. Thresh; he could have united it all. That's what Haymitch failed to see.

_And how is some lowly district boy supposed to know that? _If he was smart enough to organize Katniss into a rebellion, he should have been smart enough to figure that out_. I want to be able to dance with you perfectly, in Capitol style. Teach me. _I already did, and it didn't do anything. I didn't dance with you tonight.

A memory came to me, from that same night I taught him to dance. Grandmother threatening, and her one simple answer to the world: 'You married off to someone for the sake of your brother and to never hear from your sorry ass again.' I killed her, yet she won. What a bummer.

"Come on, December. We can go in." I nodded as I tried to ignore the warmth of his hand, the perfect shape in mine. The moment the door closed behind us, my ears blocked out all the noise. The front hall was brightly lit, lavish stone stairs with thick carpet rising in front of me. Then I noticed why the noise was blocked out, as my senses took in the waterfall streaming down the sides of the staircase.

"It's beautiful." The lights reflected on the water, and at a closer look I saw the rocks jutting from the wall were shaped as roses.

"Of course it is, it's designed with you in mind. Would you like a tour?"

"In the morning, with the sunlight. Let's just go to bed."

"Is my wife that eager?" That time I pulled away from his touch gladly. He must have told the staff to stay out of our way, and I couldn't be more pleased.  
"I'm tired, Broderson. Don't get ideas."

"I know. Well, at least you'll like the master suite." I shrugged, not wanting to admit how _comfortable _this place felt as we walked.

He opened the doors to the suite slowly, and my breath stopped. "There's your closest. They finish moving everything in tomorrow, but there should be something at least for tonight." I moved in awe, taking in every detail of the pale walls and dark furniture that cast shadows from the soft fire. "I hope you don't mind that I only did the rose decorations downstairs. You're a Snow, but you're something else now too."

I just nodded, knowing he was right. This was a new stage in my life, no longer the childish bedroom decorations in bright colors, but bold elegance. It wasn't until after I changed, came out from my upgraded closet and saw Darren in just soft shorts that fear returned to my body, and he must have seen it in my eyes.

"It's all right, I'm frightened too." His eyes seemed distant as he reached for my hand, taking it lightly.

"Why?"

"That ring on your finger," He twisted it slowly, never looking from my eyes as it ran along his skin. "I picked it out years ago and have kept it in my bedside drawers. I've imagined this night forever, but it was different. You wanted to be here, you were happy. Now I don't know if I should want this anymore, and I'm scared of what's to come."

It was the first moment that he showed me the same emotion I had felt for weeks, and the only line from my list was exactly what he used to say. "We've done what we were always meant to do."

"Don't start on me with technical definitions. I know how textbooks define marriage;" His voice broke in a monotone and I realized every word seemed to jab at him "relationships formed for society's betterment, in both the individual and Capitol as well and an ultimate sacrifice made constantly by the social elite." He dropped my hand, collapsing on to the bed. "I wanted to be different, December!"

Life sparked back into me. "Well, think about it this way and be happy with what you got! At least I'm not running off to… what did you call Thresh…my paramour?"

"It would be better if he was real then stuck in your head!" I shrugged, not willing to admit how much I craved for his voice to return to me every moment. "Then I'd have someone to hate but all I can despise are those destructive thoughts in your head! If I could squeeze your head like a lemon and make those poisonous memories drip away I would, but I can't!" You better not, I thought. They are the only thing keeping me here. I failed my duty to Thresh; I wouldn't fail my family now. Darren threw his hands down, standing once more to pull the curtains tighter. "Forget it, December. I'm going to bed."

I looked around the suddenly dark room after he clapped twice, and I knew to leave would be to except defeat. I would not start out the rest of my life with a stupid man by defeat. So, into the darkness I whispered one single phrase. "I'm coming too."

The sheets felt cold, yet his arm was warm as it snaked around my shoulders, pulling my back close to his chest. "We are married now, for better or for worse. Can't we at least try to make it for better?"

I didn't respond, just felt breaths steady as my husband fell asleep.


	12. If the World Should End

**Chapter 11: If the World Should End**

_And the sky tonight is luminous_

_For all the wrong reasons_

_And every doorway is hiding something_

_And if this world should all come crashing down_

_I wouldn't care at all_

_-Spiderman: Turn Off the Dark_

"December, wake up." A hand shook my shoulder and I nudged away the touch.

"Not yet. I don't smell my tea."

"It's not here yet, but you are going to want to see this." I opened my eyes, immediately noticing how close I had come to him in the night. Like every morning for the last two weeks, I woke up to Darren sitting in bed watching the wall screen with words and the moment he knew I was conscious he turned the sound on.

It was another rebel propo, more footage of the out rim where they had begun encampment. The chill only came over me when I understood the words they were chanting. "The Mockingjay is coming. The Mockingjay is coming."

Katniss. "Now I really need my tea."

Darren chuckled, squeezing my hand while I kept watching the clip before standing. "Your father will want you, we should both get dressed for a long day."

"This is what he is waiting for, why we haven't fought back." I tried to stifle a yawn and pulled the covers back over my face. I wasn't awake enough for this. "He wants Katniss in his palm."

"Well, it's happening and we should get to the mansion." I sighed; knowing arguing would only waste my energy reserves that I would want to tap into later.

Two weeks. Fourteen days of marriage, and twelve of rebel occupation in the Outskirts. So much for this partnership that would win our cause. They've managed to take ten blocks by our train station, thinking they've cut off supplies but we weren't fools. The districts hadn't been providing for weeks anyways.

"Do you think Finnick is coming too?" Darren laughed, tossing me an emerald tube top from the closet.

""Another one you wouldn't mind seeing the end of? Who do you hate the most, December Snow Broderson?"

I thought for a moment, running the rebels through my head. There was Finnick, who told my father's secrets and some of my own in his little propo, especially the one about when I was frightened of the camera. That was mean. Then Coin, who organized this whole blasted problem.

And Plutarch, who we trusted and then he blew them out of his arena. Hadn't I stood at his side while he watched Crane die? Was he truly that stupid? Peeta. The one who acted like he understood, gave Thresh's family part of his winnings, talked to me and promised to keep my secret.

Katniss. Wasn't this all her fault, with her average face all dolled up into special and her stupid bow? She wasn't gifted like the rest of them, not talented in thinking things through but she had a powerful team behind her, heading by Haymitch.

"Haymitch." I didn't need to list all his offenses in my mind. It was too obvious he was the most at fault.

"And what will you do to him?" Darren walked closer, helping me to pull the top over my head. Sure, we hadn't done much, but you couldn't live two weeks in the same bed without some comfort in nudity.

"Kill him slowly, and watch every moment of his agony."

He paused for a moment before pushing a string of hair behind my ear. "And who do you love the most?"

"My father." Was that even a question? He was the only person I had ever known without a double motive in anything, especially in his love for me.

"Of course. Come on, December. It's time for us to go."

The Circle was quiet, each person rushing to their destination with heads down. No one looked our way, but he held my arm just the same as always. We didn't need to give absent minded kisses, no one was expecting us to be happy these days.

I recognized the Peacekeeper standing guard at the mansion door, the same one who took me to Twelve. I didn't say anything though, he was still an inferior and the way I knew was not dying, no matter the rebels.

"December!" My brother came flying at me, tightly grasping my legs so that I could barely step into my home…childhood home. "I heard them talking about the propos, and I knew you would see it. I knew you had to come for a visit so I've been watching from the window."

"Don't be frightened, Cory. They aren't going to hurt us. Its papa's trap, remember? Soon, the Mockingjay will be dead. I'm coming to check in with papa. Have you eaten breakfast?" He shook his head. "Go tell the kitchen that Darren and I need breakfast as well. We will be there shortly, alright?" He smiled and bounded down the hall in a moment.

"He looks healthy, better then ever. I heard your mother say that maybe what he really needed all along was as much activity around him as has been in this house lately."

"Whatever keeps him standing. They need to see him right now." My father must have heard our voices as we approached the office as he came out to wave us in.

"Hurry up, you're just in time." No hugs, nothing else but another wave of his hand as he disappeared back inside. It wasn't a usual meeting, with peacekeepers and the like. Just family. Everyone. May, mother, my in-laws, and Aunt Everett. I had heard she had been back in the Capitol since District two fell, but I hadn't had this chance to see her. She had been working in the archives with Ansgar. He wasn't here, but I wasn't surprised. After Rosa's suicide, how much did he belong?

"Cory can't go outside at all. Not a finger out a window or anything. We've put enough money into the rose garden that it will give him the fresh air he needs."

"Maribelle… he's a child, he needs to be able to play."

"No, not a step." For one of the few times, I agreed with my mother. He was too fragile and too important to risk.

Then I cursed as Everett opened her mouth. "If we are watching Cory, why not all the children? December has to walk through the middle of the Circle, in the open everyday to come and say hello. All they need is one sniper."

"Are they that close, to have a sniper in range?" My question was ignored as the adults kept debating, the Brodersons offering that Darren and I move back in with them, my father stating that we would come back here for a while. Share my bedroom; it hadn't been changed since the wedding. Yes, that would make this all easier. To be back home. I agreed.

"Coriolanus, should we split them up? Put them in safe houses, alter their appearances? If the city falls…"

"Fall?" This was more then the last twelve days, when they rambled on about our safety as ordinary parents might. "How much power do they…"

"Hush December. Stay quiet. Everett, they are our children. I think Tauro would agree when I say we won't have our families split up." No they couldn't separate us. Never. I needed my papa, my baby brother.

"If it is for their own good?"

"No, not at all, but if Cory is to stay in the house, they all are. Do you three understand? Not a foot outside unless we say so." I should have known it was coming soon. Papa hadn't gone outside since they first arrived. It wasn't worth the risk.

"The roof?" This time, I did get a question answered.

"On limit. You do need to be seen every so often."

Tauro stepped forward his question practically whispered. "Evacuation?"

"Not an option. Our last hovercrafts are fighting the rebels. I won't take one away from that cause. We are here to stay. Beside, we'd have nowhere to go. The bunker was destroyed when they tried to bomb the mountains to block the tunnels. The rebels thought they failed, but they made it worse." He sighed, and I saw how exhausted my father truly was. Wasn't mother making sure he slept? Where were his advisors to take care of the minimal details? "Now go, all of you. Do whatever you spend your days doing. I want to talk to the newlyweds alone." Each exited quietly while Darren and I remained in out seats.

"Papa, what is really going on?"

"The clip that aired this morning, the one you both saw on your screen, was shot a few days ago at least. Some of the rebels in the shot we're captured by our forces two nights ago. That means that Katniss is in this city, and they are about to make their final move. How easy might I frighten you, my rose? I do not want you to be afraid."

"I'm not. I haven't been afraid since I was five, when that man tried to kill us and you had me watch him die."

"Thresh?" It was a direct question, nothing more, no implications. Just a question and that's how I found the strength to answer.

"Grief, not fear." He nodded, and took my hands softly.

"My rose, I need you to stay strong. Always. May might be the older twin, but she carries your mother's softer blood. Cory is still a child; he will find fear easier than the two of you and that is who he will watch, his strong older sisters. It's all going to be over soon, do you trust me?"

"With all my heart."

"Take care of her, Darren, no matter what. She's your wife, your legal responsibility. If a single hair on her head gets hurt, you will answer for it boy. I entrusted my daughter to you, because I have faith in your blood. Tauro has gotten me out of some tight spots, so you're job is to make sure she doesn't get into any. Am I understood?"

"Yes, Mr. President."

"Good. Now go, it's a nice day, hang out on the roof for a little bit." I didn't say another word, knowing we were dismissed.

An Avox approached me in the hall, handing a little note from Cory saying he lost patience and went ahead to eat without us. Darren didn't say anything as he read it over my shoulder and just directed me towards the roof. That's what I needed, fresh air to preserve the calm in my head.

Something told me I should be frightened, but I wasn't. Katniss was here, the trap would be sprung and we would win. Everything would be like before.

The first explosion I saw from the room elicited no emotion but a blank stare in the general direction. The second one made me tremble at the knees. The safety pods, they were destroying the safety pods. What corner was that? The big red building looked like Panem Academy. No, that was past the Outskirts. It must be something else.

"December, I see past the shell, I always have." I didn't notice I was still shaking until he pulled me into his body and I stopped. "Tell me, or don't, but I know your scared. We are all, and you aren't any stronger though you try to hide it. Don't bother pretending anymore."

Yes, that was Panem Academy. I knew that road; I had run down in hundreds of times, taken Cory out to the fancy ice cream parlor on the adjacent avenue. This was my city, the back of my hand, and now they were here. "I am frightened now, but I swear I wasn't before." He took my hand as we walked closer to the edge, the pods continuing to explode in the distance. As I heard the force field sizzle, I knew that this was the best shot at fresh air I was going to have for a while. Here, in this mansion locked away like a child. Or maybe I was still a child if I never saw it before. We were in danger; we were losing. They were winning.

"It's going to be alright, we are going to be alright."

"I'm not twelve, not like Cory. That won't fool me!" Is this how they stopped my fear before, how I never doubted we were winning, by lying through their teeth? "Look out there, Darren, tell me you don't see it, tell me you don't see us losing and them getting closer. They are going to kill us!"

"I know, I know. This isn't what we planned December, what our parents ever planned. I never would have told you they would get this close, but they have." So he didn't know either, not until now. Or maybe I did know all along. Yes, I did ever since Haymitch convinced Thresh to sacrifice himself. "But they aren't going to kill you. Didn't I just promise your father I wouldn't let you get hurt?  
If Haymitch kept his word this time, they wouldn't touch me. Yet, that's why I didn't tell anyone about his promise to protect me. Haymitch doesn't understand the concept.

"December, I'm not going to stop fighting, not when you are at my side."

"What's left to fight for? Money? Power? Even if we win, that will all be gone." Tears came into my eyes, the first tears that weren't for Thresh. No these were for me, just like a weak baby. "Our money is funding this war, our power will never be quite the same."

"What about family, love? Isn't that what they fight for, to protect their children? Why can't we fight for the same?" I've tried, didn't I try playing their way to save Thresh, but no, they killed him for my effort. That was it.

"Thresh. They killed him. They are going to pay. To love him for one more day, I'd give anything." Hadn't I already given everything? Yes, I would never stop giving to avenge him if I could. "If there's no tomorrow…"

"I'll take today again." Darren kissed my cheek, and I realized I was still wrapped in his arms.

"No, not today. Back to before the 73rd games. Back to when I was a child." That was the moment I grew up, the moment I started to see things different, when I fell in love. Then there wouldn't be any pain. What had I told Cory when they aired the propo? Love is the best thing that can ever happen, and the most terrible pain. I was sick of the pain. Just take it all away.

"Imagine. You might even love me right now then." I didn't say a word, because I knew he was right. If it hadn't been Thresh, who else would it have been? "You might have Thresh, but I have you."

"And, now, you always will." I didn't say it sweetly. It was fact. There was nowhere else for me to go. I was still broken from his death, I knew that now and I would never be fixed. The world might convince me that I am, but I don't see things, I can't. If I was whole, I wouldn't have missed how bad things were.

"It's beautiful, the sky." Even in broad daylight, Darren was right. The explosions gave us stars. In my delirium, I found it thrilling all the same. " Like a million stars lighting the way."

"The way to what? Heaven? That's what Thresh thought, that there is a God. I don't see him, though I've tried ever since he died. I hear Thresh's voice in my head, but I guess you already knew that. I'd believe in a God if he meant it really was him, and not just my memories." Talk to me now, Thresh. I wanted him to, but he didn't say a word. I wanted something to prove me wrong.

"Do you fear death, December?"

"I don't know." I've killed with my own hands. I didn't feel it then. "Do you?"

"Maybe it's just another adventure, like life. Where do we go, where were we before, it's all the same question. The one I want answers to is how to stay in this stage a little longer, who to trust to keep me here."

"Kiss me. I need to feel something." To this day, I can't say why the words left my mouth, but they did and he kissed me all the same. Real, I think so. It didn't feel like the hesitant ones for the cameras, where he never knew how I'd react. No, it was much more like the first time at 67, or in the rose bushes that night when I was supposed to be watching Thresh.

Yet when he pulled away, he was looking for something in my face. I only mumbled. "I don't know what to say."

"There is nothing you need to. We have all the time we need for you to decide." He kissed my forehead, and I started to feel the chill of wind as I shivered against him.

"There is no time, Darren, not anymore."

**For those who picked up on it; credit to Pillars of the Earth for that one little dialogue bit! Please review! **


	13. Better then Revenge

**Hey guys Short chapter but pretty dense! Hope you all enjoy!**

**Chapter 12: Better then Revenge**

_Soon she's gonna find stealing other people's toys_

_On the playground won't make you many friends_

_She should keep in mind, she should keep in mind_

_There is nothing I do better than revenge_

_-Taylor Swift_

The night air was chilly, cold for early September. Is this really how I was going to spend the first month of being seventeen? The birthday party had been small, only a week or so before the wedding. It seemed worlds away, non-existent. But we stayed on the roof, taking in the fresh air and pretending freedom.

The door to the stairs banged open, my sister rushing forward and wrapping me in an embrace I never knew in years. "December, Darren! She's dead! She's dead!"

"What?" I pushed her off and tried to steady her rambles into coherent words.

"Katniss! They are making the broadcast right now! It worked, it all worked!" May grabbed our hands, pulling us from the roof and downstairs to already lit up screens.

I recognized the one boy immediately, Gale Hawthorne, before they switched from the street cameras and started listing the others present, including Peeta. Why was he with her? He was supposed to be dangerous or had she broken through?

Then I start to smile, as we watch her die. Not directly of course, but see the bullets plow through the windows and rubble collapse on her. I hope she suffered, felt the pain Thresh did as he fought off Cato. I hope her breaths trickled away slowly; maybe she gave Peeta one last kiss to linger on her lips.

They cut to live feed, a reporter that I knew well standing on the roof with peacekeepers. Friendly faces, all enjoying her downfall half the amount as I. This was my moment, wasn't I?

"Are you happy, my love?"

"Forever." I let him kiss my cheek. "Do you think he's happy? If he knows?"

Darren didn't need to ask to know whom I spoke of, and I didn't need his answer. The beloved voice echoed once more in my ears. _My love, my darling, my sweet. You've done so much for me, but is this right? Is this what you want?_

"More then anything. I told you time and time again I would make her pay." I moved from Darren's caress and shut my eyes.

A light hand touched my back, but I didn't move even as the voice pierced my thoughts. "December? Who are you talking to?"  
Darren answered her for me. "Leave us for a minute, May. She's just delirious with excitement, that's all." In a distant world, I heard my sister shut the door but it seemed too separate from my being.

No, I was in the real world. Back with him. Thresh was walking towards me, I felt my knees go weak and he touched my shoulders. Whispering my name, just my name before his words came through. _"Look past her blushing and twirling that you find foolish, and see someone not so unlike yourself. She is a fool, but only for the camera. Take a moment to watch her when she doesn't know you are looking. And let her have a moment to understand you."_

"No! We are nothing alike, not a bit! She's dead! I'm alive, I've survived! I've won! Her act didn't work, not anymore." How come he didn't see? If he was above, in otherworld couldn't he see everything perfectly?

_"For once admit you don't know everything!"_

My fingers dug into the carpet, trying to hold onto something. "She's dead, what are you saying?"

"_There are so many riddles you need to try to understand."_

Why didn't he reach out and hold me? That's how he used to make me understand, with a fond caress and melting smile. "I know your riddles, your games! I do understand them now! I know I shouldn't have trusted them, I know that now!"

_"Why did you kill her? You're better then that, December Snow!"_

"She deserves it! She deserves it!"

I felt a sting on my face, and illusion shattered. "December, come back to me. It's done, be happy. Be here with me." As Darren wiped my tears, I noticed I was crying.

"He was here!" I shoved my husband from me, hurrying to stand. "You made him go away! You took him from me!"

"December! Listen to yourself! You are here, we are safe. The war is almost over."

"I want him back, Darren. For me, it will never be over."

"I know, I know." This time he didn't let me pull away, he held on strong until the tears were gone. And not a moment too late as I heard papa's call.

"My rose! Where are you my child?" I raced out of the sitting room to meet him in the hall, jumping into his arms. "You've been crying, my rose. Why? Are you not happy?"

"They are tears of joy." When did it become so easy to lie to him?

"Come, I still need to make my own broadcast then we will truly celebrate with any dinner you want. In a few days, you will be able to move back into your fancy new home and I shall truly have lost." I laughed, nestling into his arms as we walked to the office and entered amid preparations for the broadcast.

Somewhere, we had lost Darren. I wasn't surprised. He wouldn't want to be around me now, not when Thresh had so recently been in me once more. Papa settled at his desk, beaming towards me as they counted down the shoot.

I watch the screen that lets papa see how he looks to the public. They are flashing faces of the dead, like the arena. Katniss is no victor. I turned my attention back to papa, the flag of Panem recently pressed and hung delicately behind him. I sniff the air and smile at the smell of a fresh white rose in his lapel.

"I offer congratulations to our Peacekeepers, the dedicated men and women who protect this country. Today, they had their personal victory and so all of Panem has won. The Mockingjay, Katniss Everdeen, is dead. The menace is gone; they have rid the country of such a complication. We have reached a turning of the tide of the war; the rebels have lost their leader and have no one to follow. She was a poor, unstable girl with a convenient talent with a bow. Citizens, follow your instincts. We know Katniss Everdeen was no great thinker, no rebellion mastermind. They chose her out of convenience, a nicely timed tribute with a childish sense of trouble on her. She was necessary because they have no leader."

I didn't have time to reveal in my father's words, find the pride in them I always did. Instead, a new face illuminated the screen. The rebels. They were breaking in again.

"Hello, Panem. My name is President Alma Coin, and I am the leader of the rebellion." Coin. I had heard that name whispered in corners before, the real leader of the rebellion. We knew she existed, but she was too untouchable. No, Katniss was the easier target. The new face was plain, light grey hair hanging perfectly on her shoulders. She seemed familiar, a face that would draw my attention in the crowd for some feature I couldn't place.

"I am here before you, to say we are not done fighting, we have not been defeated. We have lost a valuable fighter…"

"Turn it off!" Our screen went black at his command, but I knew it still played across Panem. "Get me Everett. Get me my sister. Now!" Why weren't we watching? Shouldn't we know what was being said? "December, I need you to leave immediately. Don't test my patience." He was back in work mode, as though I was no one but the common Capitol citizen on the sidewalk.

An avox didn't need to find my aunt; she was already running towards the office as I exited. "Coriolanus! Coriolanus! Brother, tell me you saw!" Again, I was ignored and pressed against the wall to let her by.

He met her at the door, taking her into his arms while she shook uncontrollably. "We can't be certain…"

"I would know her anywhere." Everett met my father's eyes, truth harsh in her pupils. Coin, it had to be something about Coin. We all knew Katniss, we didn't need t be sure.

But Papa did. So it was Katniss all along. "We must find the bodies then, make sure before we can hope to…"

A camera control man called from inside the office. "President, we've gotten control back."

"Have you? Or did they give it to us?" Papa's voice was rough, but it smoothed the moment he sat back down.

"Tomorrow morning, when we pull Katniss Everdeen's body from the ashes, we will see exactly who the Mockingjay is. A dead girl who could save no one, not even herself." I heard the anthem play in the background, saw the seal light up and the screen and my father caught me still hovering.

"Didn't I tell you to get lost? Go!" I nodded, and walked down the hall, away from my curiosity as I had been bid.

Make sure. That's what papa told Everett. Tell the people what they want to hear. To support us, they needed to hear that Katniss was dead. Thresh said something else, about how alike Katniss and I were. We both ached for survival, and I knew some bullets into a house wouldn't stop me; I would have been long gone.

No, they weren't going to find her body in that rubble to night. She was already in the underground.

I turned back once more, yelling from the hall. "Papa! She's still alive, she has to be!" He came out, annoyance on his face and I spoke quickly to keep him hushed. "The underground, the tunnels. She must have found a way in. Trust me, send something. Kill her."

He seemed to not care, as though it wasn't important. His orders were almost teasing. "Go find Darren, and call the genetic labs. Take your pick of mutt and send them down there if you are so sure." That was all, before he disappeared back into the office and I saw him sit at my aunt's side, heads close together as tears continued to rain down her face.

By the time I reached Darren, I already knew what I wanted. Something snakelike, with scales. That's what attacked Thresh, the snake in the field, and Peeta would remember. Yes, that would be my payback to him for telling my secret. And Katniss, well… it just needed to smell of roses and she would fail.


	14. Fallen Angel

**Chapter 13: Fallen Angel**

_Fallen angel, got a demon in your soul_

_And later when the fever's gone_

_I'll be here where you belong_

_-Frankie Valli_

From the center of victory, the jaws of defeat have snapped us up. Twenty-four hours, how had we lost track of her for twenty-four hours when we thought her dead? An entire day had passed since the mutts tracked her, why hadn't she surfaced?

I tried to focus on the book Darren had shoved into my lap as we sat on the couch, but I only looked straight ahead. I couldn't turn towards the window; I didn't want to see the refugees keep flooding in.

I don't remember sleeping that night, only hearing the pods exploding in the distance with their car trick, hearing emergency broadcasts comes on with more instructions. I didn't watch, wondering why they stopped showing Finnick's picture. I just remember closing my eyes with my head in Darren's lap to fake sleep, shut him up from his constant fretting.

"Where's Cory? Where is my brother?" I raced into the hall as I heard May's voice to find she had a peacekeeper backed up against the wall.

"I do not know Miss. Snow." The poor man was white with fear, as he should be.

"Cory is missing?" She turned to face me and I saw her eyes red as though she was about to cry. "He has to be somewhere, maybe hiding in a closet?"

May put all her focus back on the peacekeeper, giving orders as fast as I could curse. "Find him. Get together a squad. I want my brother in the family sitting room immediately." The man nodded while trembling and dashed down the hall.

"Stay here and wait for him, May. I'll go distract mother so she doesn't worry." I didn't get far before she shouted for me to come back. I entered to find her pressed against the window, trying to open it. Darren pushed past me and lifted it in one sweep.

"Coriolanus Snow Jr. you get back into this house this minute!" How did he get out in the first place? I rushed to her side, adding me own screams. He couldn't hear us, not over the crowd's own noise as they organized the refugees, moving the children into the barriers around the mansion. They were finishing the preparations down stairs, making sure to block of the family sections before allowing the children to come in.

"May, let's just wait until they let all the children in. He'll come in with the crowd and then we can separate him."

Her voice was like a whisper, almost lost in the wind. "It's my fault. I was supposed to be watching him, and he kept talking about go into the yard to play with all the other children. I couldn't distract him with anything else, and then I step out of his bedroom for a minute to get a book I thought he might like from my room and he was gone when I returned." She never looked at me, just watching our brother below. "Go distract mama, maybe she won't notice my failure."

We weren't close. Saying anything would have been foolish, I had no idea what to say, so I left the room to do as bid and hope to clear her conscience. He was a boy, just a boy. I wouldn't have kept hold of him any better.

Shouts began outside, and I rush to a window in the nearest room. I saw the rebels pushing it, making the refugees dash back the way they came. They were here. "Papa! Papa!" No, he didn't hear me in his office, no doubt trying to control everything. I couldn't distract him now.

I was turning, rushing to find mother when I saw the hovercraft appear. It had our seal, one of ours. We could have gotten away. That was my first thought. We could be away from all the screaming and crumbling buildings in the distance. My second thought was why was it there, and then I saw the parachutes.

No, that was not good. Why would papa, or anyone be sending Capitol children parachutes? Those went to lowbred tributes; parachutes were their form of relief. But the children run forward, and I run back to May. I needed to see my brother, what was he doing now?

My hand was on the doorknob when the blast went off. Under my feet, the mansion shook. Bombs. That was the last defense, papa's last trick. A barrier of children and bombs to keep everyone away. We didn't know any of those children anyways; the elite locked in back rooms of their homes, a few using my new house.

Cory. Papa didn't know about Cory. I pushed on the door, the shake having jammed it at an odd angle. "Darren! May!" I couldn't do anything but pound on the door and shout. Darren must have heard me, screaming from the other side he was trying to let me in.

As the door banged open, I saw my sister, still at the window where I left her. The glass was back down, no doubt have slid in the shake. Her face was calm; eyes closed but a single tear ran down her face. Everything else looked like she was sleeping. A serene expression that made me collapse on the floor. Darren rushed to support me, but I knew. Children outside were still wailing as I crawled from his grasp, towards the window next to May's. Peacekeepers were pulling away the barricades, yet only some children ran away from bloody snow.

I found my brother in a moment, and he didn't look like a child. He looked like my father. He walked slow, pushing the youngest children toward the cleared exit. I pounded on the window and tried to get his attention, but he never looked up, not once. I don't know when I registered he was missing an arm and furiously holding the stub on his shoulder to slow the bleeding. Children pointed at him, revealing that there, among them as an equal in misfortune, was the President's son.

That was when I saw a spark go off, and Darren pulled me back. I didn't have time to look at my grown up brother one more time. I didn't have time to yell at May to step back. All I had time to do was scream, and watch it all in the blink of an eye.

"May! May!" I tried to crawl towards her, crawl to the window to check on Cory but I couldn't do either.

A peacekeeper flew into the room, crossing straight to me. "Mrs. Broderson? Is everything…" He must have seen the window, seen my sister. I said nothing but Darren somehow remained calm.

"Has the President and his wife retreated to the safe room?" He squeezed my hand, the pressure the only thing keeping me moving.

"Yes, Mr. Broderson. I was on my way to collect you four when I heard Mrs. Broderson scream."

"Take my wife to her parents, and send a gurney for Miss. Snow. I won't leave the body."

"The boy?"

I watched Darren's face tighten and tried to block it from my consciousness. "Outside, in the bombing." I felt a kiss on my forehead as the Peacekeeper lifted me in his arms. Then I fully looked at my sister, saw her lying limp in a pool of blood, a chunk of glass lodged in her throat. No, this was all a dream. A nightmare.

His steps were in careful time, easy to count and so I did. One. Two. Three. There was a strange simplicity to it that I clung to. Four. Five. Six. It wasn't long enough, long enough for me to collect myself before I faced expectant faces. Faces expecting three, maybe four if they counted my husband. Not one.

"December! My little rose, what has happened?" I was passed into Papa's arms and he carried me to a bunk bed against the wall.

I heard my mother's voice yelling almost in my ear as she questioned my savior. "Where is Cory, where is May? Where are my children?"

"Maribelle, take care of December." A squeeze of the hand, and he vanished from my side. "We'll find the others."

Mother wasn't coming. Why wasn't mother coming, why wasn't someone holding me? "They are dead, aren't they?" I don't think she needed the peacekeeper's nod. "My children, my precious children. All gone, oh no. My babies, my perfect babies."

"Maribelle!" Papa's voice was breaking, as though there were tears. "December needs you, she is still here, get her water."

"My children, my blood. All gone. All gone." I heard the door open once more, someone saying something about Darren being with his parents in another locked room. I heard the wheels of the gurney, and something crash as my father shouted my mother's name.

"Get a medic, get someone now!" Water was pushed to my lips, but it wasn't the soft white skin of my mother. It was the peacekeeper again, helping me to sit up and I finally surveyed the room. There were a few peacekeepers, hands on their triggers watching the door. There were two gurneys, not just May, but Cory as well. They must have run out and found the body. Real blood replaced where an arm should be, his head turned funny and I couldn't help but scream again. My father turned to face me, and I saw what he was kneeling at. My mother's body collapsed on the floor an each arm reaching for her dead children.

That's how it when we heard bullets in the hall. My father, stroking my hair as I wept in his lap, whispering calmly. "My pretty little rose, my darling child, how is it you of all is all I have left? My little adorable rose." And three bodies of loved ones laid out around us. I couldn't look. I didn't dare to.

I don't know how much time passed between the bombs and the first pound on our door. The peacekeepers raised their guns, but papa stood and left me curled on the ground. "Open the door, men. Let them have me. I won't allow them to break in with gunfire, not if it might hit December. I've lost three today, I won't lose her accidently."

In my delirious state, I heard the door open, saw my father walk out into a force of rebels with his hands raised. A woman stepped forward, the same one from the screen who had set him so on edge.

"Coriolanus, how good it is to see you after all this time." All this time? When had any of us ever seen Coin before?

"You've won. I admit it, but give me five more minutes with my daughter." He stepped forward and the rebels kept pointing their guns. "Five more minutes then I'm yours."

She sneered, a dark laugh on the tip of her tongue. "Why should I? You of all people should know I've never understood the bonds of family."

"Five minutes, please. I know your ways. You are going to kill me, and you'll never let me see her again." The women waved her hand in annoyed agreement and papa rushed back to me.

He pulled me into his chest, the tightest he ever had. "December, my rose, listen very carefully." I did, I never would stop listening. Not if this might be the end. "Don't trust them, do you hear me? Be wary of their promises. To her" He gestured to Coin over his shoulder "least of all. Promise me, that whatever she says, even if you know it is one hundred percent true be very wary of her."

Tears started falling once more, from both of us and I clung to his arms. "Papa…"

"Trust Haymitch." I felt my back snap straight in surprise but papa quickly pulled me back, playing with the red strand of my hair. "Haymitch Abernathy will look out for you, do you understand me? Out of all of them, only listen to Haymitch."

There were so many questions I wanted to ask as papa fell into silence, but I knew this silent touch was what my heart needed. I needed to smell the scent of roses I pressed against since childhood. I needed to remember the way he breathed, the way he felt. I needed everything, and couldn't let go.

"You're time is up Coriolanus. It's been up for years."

"Just because you've won this…"

"Take him away." Hands pulled us apart and I continued screaming, screaming like a child. That's what I was, and it would never stop. I was too young, too young to lose my father.

"I love you, December." His voice turned my screams into heavy sobs. "With all my heart, even if there truly isn't much there. You mean everything to me, no matter what you hear in the next stage of your life. Don't forget how much I love you, how much I've always loved you as my own child. Always."

Another group of rebels broke off, rushing into our last domain and roughly tied my hands together, pushed a gag into my mouth and carried me down the hall and into a world I had never imagined as they pulled my father in another direction.

"Where is Everett?" Somehow, his voice stayed calm and collected. I remembered the same question, as though it was breakfast on one of my aunt's visit and we were waiting for her to appear.

"Sadly, my forces beat me to her, and let's just say I'm sorry I didn't have the pleasure of pulling the trigger myself."

**This was officially the hardest chapter I have ever had to write for fan fiction. R.I.P my beloved May, Cory and Maribelle. **


	15. If I Died Today

**Chapter 14: If I Died Today**

_And if I died today, would I need to be ashamed?_

_Would I be easy to forget?_

_Could I live with my regrets?_

_-Tim McGraw_

"I never expected you would be the first to come see me."

"Haymitch is trying, but he hasn't achieved clearance from Coin."

"Why not?"  
"Your under the highest security, minus your father. I also take it that Snow gave you a speech about only listening to Haymitch. It made Coin doubt his loyalty for a few days."

"Six. I've been locked in here with little word for six."

"They say those in solitary confinement lose track of time."

"Not me. I won't stop paying attention, not until I see my father again."

"He's in his trial now, would you like to?" He gestures to the screen they wheeled in three days ago when the trials began. The only thing they said was it was a gift from Coin to be able to see friendly faces. I'd rather see them not at all then on the judgment block. Peeta shrugged. "I figured you wouldn't be watching, that's why I came now."

"Shouldn't you be there?"

"I thought you might be more interesting."

"Why aren't you with your pretty little Mockingjay?"

"They don't think it will be good for her if I'm around. I think they lied and said I'm still stuck in the burn unit."

"Yes, what was it again, the Tracker Jackers?"

He ignored my taunt. "She's turned into a mute from emotional trauma."

"Emotional trauma?" I forced myself to stand, crossing the room to him, finger shaking wildly. "She has emotional trauma and I don't? Maybe your presence isn't good for me either." A harsh laugh escaped from my throat, rough with the dryness I felt.

"Her sister died in the parachute bombs."

For the first time in six days, I truly smiled and laughed, almost as my old self. "Well, that serves your lot right for dropping them in the first place." Revenge. That's what this always had been between Katniss and I. A battle of revenge. There was sweet serenity in the fact that that bomb killed her sister as well. Made her an only child as well.

"The Capitol dropped them." He said it matter of factly, as though I hadn't been dwelling on it for days.

"Really?" I wanted to shake him, but I remembered when the situation was reversed, when he was in my place and I was his tormenter. Would he do the same to me? I was too frightened of the answer to strike. "We just conveniently decided to murder our own children to make your lot look good? That's what we used our last hovercraft on?" I had been working it through in my head every moment, trying to find reason for my siblings' deaths. "And do you know who would have had to approve that order? The President, my father. Two of his children died in those bombings."

"I believe your brother had run out into the group of children without permission, and your sister was standing by a window that blew in." He whispered softly, reaching out for me though I jumped away. If he touched me, I would just hurt him back. "Your father didn't know they were there."

"We had no hovercraft to escape with! He told me himself." Peeta stopped for a moment before shaking his head in pity.

"You poor lonely little thing."

"I hate you." I couldn't help myself. I spit at him, and it landed right on his face. "I wish my spit was poison."

He didn't move to wipe it away. "I'm not surprised."

"Darren." He was fine the last time I saw him. He was alive, he was calm. "Where is Darren?"

"Your husband?" I cringed at the word. "His entire family stood trial on the first day. He has been put in jail."

In the mansion? Was his cell any better than mine? Did he deserve better? Yes, he did. He only ever did the loving thing, didn't he? When the rest of us were focused on our own survival, he was always focused on mine. I voiced a different question. "When will he be released?"

"Never." He would never touch me again, there was a strange longing for any kind of comforting touch I've ever known.

"And Tauro? Mrs. Broderson?"

"Mr. Broderson was executed yesterday." My father in-law. He had taken me in, with Mrs. Broderson, and loved me like a daughter. "Mrs. Broderson I believe committed suicide."

"Don't use that dirty word."

"You asked, I answered." Somehow, I didn't doubt him. Suicide was tabooed, because it meant you had nothing to live for. In the Capitol, you have everything. That's why you don't kill yourself. But no, now we had nothing. Her husband was killed, her son locked in jail and her daughter-in-law, or whatever I was, unseen by the world. It had to take certain strength to decide to give up. She always was strong, just like her son.

"The Kieger family?" He looked at m funny and I was again reminded he wasn't Capitol when I had to clarify. "The Head Peacekeeper?"

"On trail yesterday, awaiting execution. He has a daughter, doesn't he? Anyone under the age of 18 is to be kept alive, if you're worried about your fancy friends."

I wouldn't die. Macey was still alive, Darren was. No, I wasn't alone. My entire class, we had once been so powerful. What were we now? "The Cranes?"

"Not touched. Coin decided they suffered enough when Seneca was killed on your father's orders." Very well, I hadn't seen Keith since then anyways. Or Abet.

"What about my avox, my stylist?"

"I don't know." Peeta shrugged, obviously growing uncomfortable with the conversation. As though he could imagine the pain I was suffering and the suspense at every name.

"My uncle Ansgar?" I didn't remember his face much, but maybe he had become all I had. I heard Everett's fate from Coin, herself. For the first time, I wanted a true piece of Rosa to be alive and well. I'd use any tie.

"Under surveillance in the archives. They need him to navigate the files and Coin says he will be kept alive and in his position until he dies a natural death. Anyone else?"

There were so many, but I could guess their fate after hearing that of the others. "Why have you come?"

"Coin thought it might be wise to update you before your trial tomorrow. It would waste time if the panel had to answer silly questions."

"Trail?"

"Yes," He spoke slowly as though it came as a surprise. When you spend six days wondering your fate, a trial seems a viable and happy option. "To pass sentence on you."

"They can't kill me, you just said they won't for anyone under 18."

"No, but they still have to do something with you." No one ever had known what to do with me, only papa. They wouldn't be much different. "Haymitch wants you to know that is coming, but probably won't be able to get in until after the trial." Peeta Mellark started to walk towards the door, obviously done with me. "One last thing. Do you still love him?"

"Thresh?" He nodded. "With all my heart. I hear him sometimes, the voice of my memories never leaves me."

"Then I think it's only fair to tell you, if you still love him. They found evidence in the archives about his death. I won't spoil the surprise you've known it all along, you always have in your heart." I stared blankly, no ideas or inspiration coming to my mind. He was teasing me now, praying on weakness. "Believe it. I think the clips you'll need are loaded on your screen if you chose to watch."

He left and I went right for the screen, but when I clicked it on, they show my father. I can't help but notice how sick he looks, his skin pale and clothes wrinkled. Papa. There should be color in his cheeks, neatness to his white hair that I had smiled at for years. What were they doing to him? I had promised myself I wouldn't watch, promised myself no more pain but it was too late. Everyone gone, except papa. How much could one more hurt?

Coin was there, standing at a podium in front of him and smiling triumphantly. "Coriolanus Snow, you have been found guilty for crimes of murder, oppression, etc. You have been sentenced to execution. Any questions?"

"Just two. First, how much of this body knows your personal past?"

"Question denied. And the second?"

"My daughter, my rose," My pet name. It still sounded so sweet on his lips. "The only thing you've left me. What will you do to her?"

"Her fate will be decided in her own trail tomorrow." Another cold smile from Coin. How had, of everyone, the rebels chosen her?

"She's just a child." He was screaming, tugging at the band around his wrists.

"Sadly, she's your child. Haven't you hurt her enough already by simply bringing her into this crumbling world?" No. I was proud of who I was. I was still better then the Districts. I always would be.

Haymitch rose on the dais, but Coin motioned for him to sit back down. My father and Haymitch just stared at each other, and I remember papa's words. _Haymitch Abernathy will look out for you. _Was he assuring that promise from Haymitch now?

"Take him away. We have more trials to finish." That's when I found the courage to switch to another channel, and it only took a moment to find what else I had been looking for.

It started with the apple, the one the same day as the snakebite. I watched him bite into the fruit as tears ran down my face. It had been so long since I let myself look at his face. I had tried, I swear, to push it from my mind. For my family's sake, for Panem's, for Darren's. But I never forgot. It hadn't worked. Yes, my memory was perfectly right, every line, every spot perfection in my mind compared to the real specimen.

I hadn't seen this part; I must have missed it during the Games somehow. Where had I been? I seem to remember being in Papa's office for the snakebite; it must have been while I was eating and before Darren called.

He was stumbling, rubbing his eyes strangely suddenly. His footing was less sure, less _him. _That's when the snake appeared, when he wasn't focused right to see it coming and that's when it ready for attack.

I slapped my hand on the screen button. I wouldn't watch again, I wouldn't witness the start of his downfall a second time. No. There wasn't such a thing as too much pain. You never maximized in that regard. It could always be added.

My feet found my way to the small rusty bed as my eyes glanced over the pure white walls again, for a sign, for anything. I didn't know. How easy would it be to just fall asleep and never wake up? Impossible. I couldn't sleep with the memories flashing. Thresh and Cato. The blast under my feet, the desperation. The not-knowing. May at the window, eyes closed and trying to be in control. Cory without an arm. Cory focusing on the other children and not himself. The second blast, Darren pushing me down. The broken window. The glass in her neck. The blood, the real blood and its stench. Mama's body sprawled on the floor, dead at the sight of her children, broken. The pounding on the door, Papa letting go of me. Holding me as though it would be the last time. The rebel's hands, like spikes on my soft flesh pulling us apart. And now the new image, of papa sick on the judging stand and Coin's smug smile.

Yes, dying would be easy, the easiest thing. Except I had no strength left, not even enough to fall asleep or lift my own hand. And anyways, who is left to miss me?


	16. If I Die Young

**Chapter 15: If I Die Young**

_A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I'll sell 'em for a dollar_

_They're worth so much more after I'm a goner_

_And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singing_

_Funny, when you're dead how people start listening_

_-The Band Perry_

As I stared at my reflection, my eyes seemed as empty as they must have been when Margarita collected me from the cell. Margarita was distant as well, only light touches as she worked my face into prettiness, never sincere, nothing real and intimate. Like I was a criminal.

And her words were as soft as a dying bird. "A gift from your father, to make you strong. I guess some of his guards pity you, since they snuck it through to me." It was a perfect red bloom, just like the ones on my breakfast plate for years. I tucked it into the chest of the dress clinging to my cold skin, right over my heart so he could be with me.

"Thank you." I didn't mean. How much could a flower be if I wanted him to simply hold my hand?

"They aren't going to kill you, at least not before your father. They've already booked me to make sure you look…" Her voice broke and water filled her eyes. There she was, there was the woman who cared for me since I was a toddler. "Pretty for the occasion. Pretty, dressed up like a doll one last time for papa's execution. As though it was a party to be looked forward too. "It's sick." I just nodded, trying to picture a time in front of this mirror when we laughed and smiled.

"Why not innocent, like they tried to make Katniss after her Games? Why do I look so elegant?" The make-up was dark, jutting out my facial features, making everything prominent and rich. Hiding nothing.

"No one will buy the little girl look. Your best chance now is to look like a woman, a woman independent of your family."

"I won't renounce them. Never."

"They know you won't, so they won't ask." She took my hand, helping me to stand. "There, you look grown up." For the first time in my life, I really tried to find my mother in my features. I was wearing her dress, her jewels but that was all. I hadn't wanted to put it on when Margarita showed me the gown, I recognized it all too well, it was one of my mother's favorite, which she had worn a few times even though her life motto was new clothes for every party. No, I didn't have her chest to fill it the way she had, or the non-existent curves that hid under the light draping. My back only felt cold from the fabric's swoop, not sexy.

Then she brought out the jewels. They weren't like my usual pieces, full of rubies and pearls, all shaped like roses. No, these were majestic, rich colors to off set the plainness of the gold dress. They didn't lie on me like her, my ears were too small, my eyes too colorless to sparkle. I had argued, saying I wanted my clothes, my jewelry but Margarita only said that this is what I would wear on orders. At least I could show the rebels that no matter what I was claiming my inheritance, well, minus a seat of power. There was nothing I could do for that one.

"Good luck, December." She squeezed my hand once, and I was past into the hold of rebel guards.

**X X X**

"Do you have anything else to say, December Everett Snow Broderson, before the jury announces your sentence?" I wanted to ask what jury she was referring to. This was all Coin. That was too obvious to those of us who had grown up in that life, watching one man dominate a discussion without the others seeing it. The difference was papa never directly denied it. So much for Coin's perfect equality vision.

Instead, I said all that was left that I knew. "Kill me. That's the sentence you must past." People started moving, shifting in their chairs and I knew Haymitch was still staring, maybe standing by now but I still refused to look at him. They needed to understand. "Stop with your excuses for whatever reasons. If you don't, you are no true servant to your cause. I would do it myself," Hadn't I spent days trying to in my cell? "End all this torture of the pain I've suffered at your hands, but you must know I won't. I remember my Aunt Rosa; the suicidal freak. I do hope to be remembered with a bit more dignity than that." I was December Snow, wasn't I? I was better then everything. That I would swear to the grave.

"Come, your filthy traitors. Drip poison on my lips, stab my heart." I felt a crinkle as I touched my breast, remembering that papa's rose was still there. "See, I'll cast this softness away myself, take away my entire defense." It continued to shatter in my hand, and I flung the pieces away. "Cast away my rotten memories. They mean nothing now." Did my face say what I meant, or did it show the doubt in my heart still?

"Sometimes, the innocent falls pray to a lone teacher, trusting their every word and hanging on a string. The innocent vanishes into the guilty. Yet, they feel the wrong in every moment but can't pull away. However, never forget that it is the teacher who alone brought forward such darkness. My teacher? The one who truly ruined me? Not papa, not like you all want to think. Haymitch Abernathy, what a star you are." I turned to him slowly, for the first time catching the pain and sorrow in his face, not the gloat I imagined. Still, I wouldn't lose my resolve. It wasn't in my blood to forgive. "You're the first one who made me betray him, betray my father. It's your fault, all of it. Sure, I found Thresh on my own but you made it a game and knew I wouldn't be able to resist. You told me they were all terrible, my family, my friends! You made me look elsewhere from the life I had! But this isn't a strange incident, Haymitch, or some rare moment. No. It's happened time and time before, when those that someone trusted betrayed them." I wanted him to be as angry as I felt. I wanted him to feel any little bit of my pain. How could I make him understand? "I don't mind dying, not at all, because the moment you realize Katniss isn't perfect, the moment you realize what she is, you'll remember how you chose her to fill my place in your heart and how it killed me." The room was silent every time I took a breath, and it chilled me to the bone. Pass sentence already, kill me. Let it end, let me know my fate. But they stayed silent.

"Why aren't you passing sentence? Why aren't you calling for a vote? I'm yours, at your feet and take advantage of it! How often does the dog lay still for the knife? This rose won't fight you when approach me with the gardening shears! What is holding you back? It's no crime to me if you try to protect your soul from guilt! Don't you see that you've taken everything away? You killed my brother, and my sister, and then my mother died the moment she saw their carcasses. You've locked my father away, and won't let me speak to him, or even look at him until you kill him! Kill me too, and I can't be a problem. Kill me too, and all the Snows will be gone. You're job will be done."

That's when I started to cry, when I broke down in public and acted like a weak little girl. That's when I gave them the pathetic child they must have wanted to see. When I broke, that's when Haymitch finally started his rough smiling and everything felt in line.

They left me there, crying on the floor as the panel deliberated in the background. Haymitch wasn't a part of it, not like he was for papa. It must still be about papa's final words to me. But as I watched through my tears, they called him over and he just kept nodded his head while they talked. Yes, they must all be ready to end it, just like I said. All ready to end the Snows.

"December Everett Snow Broderson." I wanted them to leave off the last part, let me die the same girl I was a few weeks ago, before everything went wrong. Let me die in peaceful memories. "You've been sentenced to an exile from the Capitol until a time when you die a natural death and your body may return to be buried with your family."

"Exile?" I found the strength to stop the tears. This was the worst, something I hadn't even imagined. Give me lifetime in a cell, solitary confinement, but not exile. Here was my seat of power. Take that away, and I would have to believe I was nothing.

"Yes, under the guardianship of Haymitch Abernathy." Haymitch? Hadn't Peeta said they didn't trust him with me? And they shouldn't. He was a drunk, wasn't he? How are drunks fit for guardianship? "You will be leaving for District Twelve in four day's time." Four days. And papa was to die in three.

"Don't take the girl back to her cell yet, I have one quick errand to run with her." As Coin snickered, I felt the most dread I've ever known. Anything one on one with her was bound to go very wrong indeed.

**Big surprise next chapter Be excited!**


	17. Try to Remember

**Chapter 16: Try to Remember**

_Deep in December, it's nice to remember,_

_Although you know the snow will follow._

_Deep in December, it's nice to remember,_

_Without a hurt the heart is hollow._

_-The Fantasticks_

My wrists ached as she pulled me by their bonds, I could feel the rope practically slicing skin. One minute, just to kick off the shoes that I had somehow stood in during trial, while my knees were shaking. One moment to simply cause the racing in my brain.

Alma Coin pretended like I didn't know where we were going, like she was going to surprise me. I knew the second we stepped back into my home. I grew up here; these corridors hid nothing from me. She was taking me to see papa. At least they had listened to that.

I smelled the roses before we saw the door, and couldn't help but smile. How often had I played in those bushes, been cut by their thorns and decorated by their petals? Those roses were the biggest part of home left. As long as I could always smell them, I was home.

The moment we entered the garden, Coin's voice became as clear as bells, dancing over the bushes to find her target. "Coriolanus, I've brought you a little present."

"What now?" At the sound of his voice, I tried to run forward but she only jerked me still. I settled for shouting. Letting him know I was here. Letting him know that we were about to be together once more.

"December!"

"Papa!"

Another jerk on my wrist, and harsh whispers to be quiet as we rounded one last row of bushes to see him. He didn't look any worse then he had yesterday on the screens, but his wrists were bleeding worse than mine. More chains, more shackles to bind us down. How had we forgotten to be as slippery as ice?

Papas smiled and I wanted to race towards him, kiss his cheek and feel his warm touch. But Coin stopped walking, and wouldn't let go. I was so close, so close to one more embrace. He spoke first. "You don't look like Maribelle, not even in her clothes. How had I ever thought I saw it before? You are beautiful in your own right." I repaid his smile, and opened my mouth to speak yet she caught me, her ring digging into my lip.

"Don't say a word, brat. And stand right here. Don't move a muscle."

I stared at my father, so many questions on my list to ask him. Cory. Were those our bombs? Was there an escape plan, were we ever going to be together again? And yet, for all those questions, answers seemed the most frightening. And all questions that Coin didn't need to know where plaguing me.

She was here for a purpose, that much I could tell. This wasn't just a little girl's plea to see her father. That was just her excuse. I knew how people were on a mission; they were the most sensitive to someone else stepping out of place. That's why I stayed exactly where told, and she started speaking first. "Would you like to tell her our little secret, Coriolanus, or should I?"

"Why have you decided to fill her in?" I barley heard his words as I tried to find meaning in his eyes. So many times before, just one look could tell me what he was thinking. Why was I now so confused?

"I don't like that Haymitch made a case in court today for having the strongest claim on her of those present."

My father moved his eyes from me to her at my new guardian's name. "What did he say?"

"His usual rubbish, all about how he was the closest to her of the victors, that she used to trust him. That he would make her feel safe." Papa just nodded, breathing steadily as though they weren't ripping me away from him. "It was unfortunate when Plutarch fell for it. I had so many plans for her to finish growing up in my care." Papa didn't turn back to me, and nothing seemed to surprise him. That's what it had all been about, since he saw her on the broadcast and truly why he surrendered. He didn't want me in her custody in the end of it. "Well, Coriolanus, answer my question."

"I don't have the words to explain what you are to her." Now his gaze came to me once more and I saw panic. Worry of the truth, worry of our lives crumbling. Almost fear, but not quite. Such a thing couldn't be on my father.

"Very well." Coin took a step closer to me, arms open but I recoiled. "December, sweetie, would you like to give a big hug to your Aunt Rosa?"

Rosa. That name, the quiet one in the corners, the one grandmother and I always shouted back and forth. Rosa. No. She was dead. She committed suicide. And I never met her, never saw a picture. She could be…anyone.

"Rosa? Like Rosa Snow? Isn't she dead?" My questions were all for my father, but he only looked at the ground.

"Aren't you supposed to be smart?" Coin continued to pinch her lips together, long nails dug into my skin while she rested her hands on my shoulders, yet I was too stunned to move.

"Don't mock her."

"No one asked you, brother." Brother. It couldn't be. But yet, I saw it as I looked back and forth between them. The light hair, the cheekbones, and I saw Everett and Grandmother's nose on her face. "I'll explain quickly because I am growing wary of this conversation. I never liked my family, not a bit. They were all cold and calculating."

"Like you aren't?"

"Grow up Coriolanus. Didn't you ever learn from mother not to interrupt?" She laughed and I wanted to pull away but her grip continued to tighten. "I fell in love; I think you know this story, don't you dear?" I did, how many times I had been told it when I was in trouble. It was my life motto of what not to do. "They wouldn't let me be with Seneca. You should understand child, you've been forced into a marriage too, haven't you?" No, we were different. I lov..like Darren. We are good together, aren't we? "Ansgar was my friend, a good friend but he wasn't like Seneca. I told my love that my child was his, so he would know even though the world wouldn't. But they were going to kill him. I hated all of them, and vowed my revenge. So I faked my suicide, aborted the baby and ran off. Coriolanus knew it wasn't right, that the 'body never found in the lake after the self drowning' story could never make sense. You looked for me, didn't you brother?"

His lips were tight, words scratching through his teeth. "To bring you home. I wanted you home. You were my sister, I loved you."

"Well, that's the first time you've ever said anything like that." She shrugged it off, like the bond of a sibling was nothing. But I knew it, and I'd give anything to have it living and breathing once more. She wanted it broken, wiped away. "I found Thirteen, pretended to have escaped from a District and never said which one so they couldn't question me too much. They eventually forgot about the young woman they took in, some showed up every once and a while. I was able to change into something new. I vowed my revenge every day, so here I am."

"If anyone finds out Rosa, they will hate you too just for your blood, like your people hate December. You know that." Papa seemed weaker by the minute, the strength in his arms slowly fell away and he didn't move against the chains.

"Only two people alive know, you and this brat. You'll be dead in three days, without time to say a word. She'll be declared mad if she does. Her little breakdown during her trial this morning probably already should have diagnosed her. You should have heard how she pleaded for death." My father shook his head the moment I opened my mouth and I knew he was right. This was his arena, not mine. This was going to be his victory.

"Let me hold my daughter, Rosa. Think of how much I gave you as a child, and give me this one thing."

"You gave me nothing! Nothing! You and Everett were always the favorites, you father's star and she was mother's doll. What was I? I was the constant problem! They were always so scared, of what they made in me." Coin's hands started to tremble and I began my struggle to move away once more. Her arm only creeped up to hook me by the neck.

"Not that. Not right now."

"No, exactly now. You always talk about blood, so doesn't your daughter have a right to know? Can you honestly say you've never told her how diseased her veins are?"

"Rosa…"

"I'm not Rosa anymore! I'm Alma Coin, the President of Panem! I cleared my blood! I found the final cure." That's when she dropped me and the moment I tried to step forward she pushed me aside and beat me there, practically spitting in his ear.

"And you kept it from your nephew?"

Then everything made sense. A blood disease, Cory's attacks. Coin…Rosa, had the same thing. Rosa was just as sick at one point. It was genetic, not from his head accident as a baby. That was a continent lie. And Papa saw the realization in my eyes. "You are safe, my rose. You aren't going to get it. I promise."

Coin laughed her dark laugh once more and the shivers on my skin changed to Goosebumps. "The boy's triggered early because of the accident. She still could."

"You have the cure, you'll save her if it happens." He said it so casually, and I believed it wouldn't. Papa never lied to me. They must have tested me somehow, told as a baby that my genes were different from it. He met my gaze, reaching out his arms though Coin pushed me back. One touch, why was that so wrong? "December, they will try to break your spirit forever, from this moment on. You might be convinced that they have one day. Never forget who you are, whom you were raised as. No matter what, you are a Snow. Remember when everything was good, the simple moments, like when we all laughed at the breakfast table, when we were simple and at peace. Those moments are nice, those mellow moments and don't you forget them. Without those moments, the pain you feel wouldn't exist and it is that pain that will make you strong, that gives you your heart. Do you understand? You've bloomed into a woman, my rose."

I couldn't help myself, my childhood joke slipped from my lips though tears still ran down my face. In seven days, when had they stopped? "May is the month when roses bloom papa."

"And December is when they are a luxury." No, this is all wrong. This was where he hugged me, kissed my forehead

"Touching, but I've never liked touching. It's time for us to go." I pushed harder, reached farther but I didn't feel his flesh. He wasn't even focused on me.

"Remember, Rosa, all families have their secrets. You've been gone for too long to know all of ours." She just snickered, and once more Rosa Snow dragged me by the ties at my wrist. As I turned for one last glance, I saw my father cry. Now I knew, there was no hope, truly nothing left. We were alone. He didn't have some grand plan to slip away, live together in luxury once more as though nothing had changed. I should have known, but a child's heart never stops believing in hope.

"Our survival instincts are the strongest thing in us along with Hope." I hadn't realized I had spoken my father's words until Rosa stopped and stared at me a moment.

"What did you say?"

"I said, Hope. It's what makes us survive, not fear."

"And what do you hope for, little girl?"

"Your death: to somehow balance off all those innocent lives you have killed."

"Innocent? I've killed innocent people? What about your father? What about the children of the Hunger Games?"

Yes, I knew they were wrong. I saw it now, in everyone's eyes, as no one was scared to hide the truth from me. The Games were terrible, sick. But, how can you compare the way one person kills to another? They all kill. I've killed. Can't crimes be over once and for all, wasn't that what this whole rebellion was about, peace? "Because you have our same blood, isn't that what papa was trying to tell you? You are one of us. We are all we are because of the blood in our veins, the _Snow _blood. So how can you be any different?"

She slapped me, like Grandmother had done years ago when I spoke harshly, but this time no Peacekeepers came running, no one was there to protect me. I refused to scream, to fight back. Hope was fleeting, how much longer could I hold on to it?


	18. Drink with Me

**Chapter 17: Drink With Me**

_Drink with me to days gone by_

_To the life that used to be_

_At the shrine of friendship, never say die_

_Let the wine of friendship never run dry_

_Here's to you and here's to me_

_-Les Miserables_

I heard footsteps approaching, and tried to sit straighter on the bed, tried to look strong. I heard the voice before I saw the man. "They want us gone right after the execution tomorrow, so I convinced them that today you could get out into the city for one last time."

I looked at Haymitch Abernathy; I looked at a man that I had seen only once in person since the fall of our life, and this time he was alone. No more court, no more eyes watching us. Just me and the one man my father said I could trust.

"I brought you clothes." My eyes trained to look for quality couldn't help but glance, couldn't help but admire the fabrics when he pulled open the top of the back to show me. Fur. I desperately cringed for that coat buried amidst all the rich colors.

Yet the stubborn part of me didn't care. It was a charity gift, I hand out. "I don't want them."

"Some people are still pulling for you to overcome this, you know." He stepped closer, his voice dropped lower. "There is a fair amount of Capitolites hiding out, down in the tunnels, hoping it isn't over yet." I assumed, but now I knew. They hadn't betrayed us, not everyone at least. We were still making a stand. I could go out in the world, and away from their embellished information to pacify me. "Make your choice; people will see you today. Look like you've been in a cell for a week, or look like you still care, like you still have power. Look like you haven't admitted defeat." I just took the bag of clothes, not wanting to admit any defeat flat out, including a simple difference of opinion with Haymitch Abernathy.

In ten minutes, I looked like myself. I felt like myself. Thick grey tights, a sparkling red long-sleeved tunic, knee high white boats and a black fur coat. A touch of make-up, nicely pinned hair. This was the perfection I was used to. And I hadn't forgotten any detail of how it felt.

"Margarita gave these to me when they had her box up your closet." I didn't ask what that meant as he pulled out the hat and gloves, not wanting to know where they were taking my beautiful clothes to now that I was poor. I didn't want to know who would wear them instead. Except these gloves, that was all I had seen of my own things since the night they locked me in here. The gloves Haymitch had given me two years ago. The green was as deep as I remembered, the little red roses just as intricate. And they spent two years buried in a closest of more expensive things. At least what I had left had meaning. I just wished it were one of my direct gifts from papa instead. "Come on. Let's go before they change their minds on letting you out."

I didn't recognize the City Circle as we stepped from the mansion. It was dreary, it was empty. People rushed about on the edges, in tight huddles always eyeing the guards stationed around my home. I found the building across the circle, the fancy house Darren had designed for us. The windows were boarded up, thick rope tied between the columns by the door. How much had they taken form us there?

Colors were bland, coats not bright but drab and soulless. No one was showing off, no one had anything to style for the season. We were living under constant watch, constant surveillance, like a district. Our usurpers had made us nothing more than district scum. But we didn't cross the circle, Haymitch only ushered me to walk around the mansion, to the back public gardens and I knew what we were heading towards. I knew what he was giving me the right to see.

The graves still looked fresh after a week, all four of them. Everett. Mama. May. Cory. Four more added to the family plot of the Snows in the Circle's graveyard. I didn't let my eyes wander anywhere else but from those four. I couldn't take even one more perfectly round mound of fresh dirt, or one more glimmering headstone. Not even for my in-laws, r the Kiegers. Not for anyone.

My knees collapsed onto the dirt, hands clutching mama's tombstone. It felt distant, unreal and just like a dream. I pictured her so clearly, walking through the little gate and yelling at me for ruining my white boots. I could hear May laughing next to her and Cory trying to hide his equally dirty hands behind his back. At least they weren't gunned down in a corner, not like Everett.

I didn't think I was capable of any more tears, yet I felt a wet drop on my cheek. Then another. When I looked at my hands, I saw it was in fact snow. The first snow of the year that I was out to witness. Just a flurry melting away when it reached the ground and nothing more.

"_Watch the snow, December. See how it falls, and vanishes into the ground?" I squirmed in Papa's lap, desperate to press my face to the fallen flakes on the stone steps of home. I didn't pay attention to the people walking in the circle, whispering to each other and pointing at the President out with his little daughter watching the year's first snow._

_ "Why do they disappear so fast? I like when the Avoxes use it to build me a castle."_

_ "This is just the first flurry of the year. The ground is still warm from the autumn. Now, pay attention, my rose. Snow falls, it becomes part of the ground and that water will be recycled. That water will rise again. Snows will always rise again, no matter how many times we fall."_

Not this time. This time eternal summer was here, and Snow would never rise.

"What is really going to happen to me, Haymitch? After we get to twelve?" What would happen to them if they weren't under my knees? Haymitch wouldn't have taken Cory and May. He didn't love me that much, and they would have wanted to separate us anyways. That had been on of mama's last wishes, and papa's before they won: that we would never be separated. It didn't matter whether there was life after this or not, Thresh was gone from me; his voice vanished with our defeat. They were gone too, and tomorrow papa would be as well. We were separated for eternity, for always.

"I don't know. No one knows what the future looks like. I've been in meetings with Coin and Plutarch about you." I instantly turned to his face to see what he knew, but any secrets hidden there weren't the ones I had been told. "Even Paylor joined in. You are all anyone can talk about still. December Snow Broderson. It doesn't end."

My fingers traced over the lettering on my mother's grave. Even as the loser, my headstone still wouldn't be marked the way I desired if I slit my own throat now. "I have nothing left but a name. What's the use of it anymore? The man it ties me to is in jail and the status and wealth it gave me all gone." I tried not to think of him, tried to pretend he was gone just like the rest. It was easier then forcing myself to hold on.

"You might not have the power, but the wealth of the Broderson and Snow families will still be yours." I sat back from my knees, for once hanging on every word. "The records were checked; the majority of the money has been passed down by generation. You'll keep the amount that didn't come from federal budget. Any true family money is yours." I fingered the cuff of the coat I wore, this was no gift, and nothing borrowed. It was new, and it was mine. "December, you would need to burn money in a bonfire daily to run out of it. Not to mention that I've been saving all my Victor money for twenty five years."

I didn't want his money, I wanted mine. And it was all too good, too easy. "It's all for Coin, she setting precedents. Papa not being kept in a real cell, me keeping my fortune. I would rather not have a cent if it meant she could end up dirt poor one day too."

"Well, I guess now would be a bad time to mention that all the federal money that went to your family is being given to her as a salary." I could see her scheme. She had a strong claim on the family money, the higher amount, but if she could still be wealthy, if she could still have anything, why use the name? So I remained silent. Even Haymitch wouldn't buy the story. Even Haymitch could declare me mad. I wouldn't lose my right to sanity.

"I want to see my husband." It didn't think it was possible to surprise him more than those words surprised me. "Let me see my husband."

Haymitch gave me a hand to stand. "Be convincing, little one. If you are, I'll get Paylor's guards to call in the request." I sighed; tired of playing his game but I had no choice.

"Haymitch, please. I love him." Tears flooded my eyes, and I urgently swiped them away while my voice broke repeatedly. "You can't pull me away from tomorrow. We are married, we love each other. Don't make me leave without seeing him one last time."

"It's creepy how you can do that for a lie. All right, I'll tell Paylor's guards to call it in. I'm sure they will, it was her soldiers who let that rose through to you for your trial."

**X**

The soldier points to a cell before shouting to him. "Boy! You have a visitor!" He didn't need to tell me which of the ragged man was Darren Broderson. I would have known him anywhere at anytime.

He turned slowly, slow enough that I could see the weariness in his face before it lights up at sight of me. "December!" In a moment he is on his feet, rushing toward the barred door.

"I spoke with Haymitch this morning, about our futures." That's the first thing I say. What else is there to say? Everything was so different, so much to push from my mind. This was the only news that seemed bearable to share.

"And?" My husband laughed lightly, as though he expected nothing less. Expected that even through all of this I couldn't find a kind word to say to him.

"They've had people budgeting our family vaults and are allowing us to keep all the money of generations." I wondered if my smile had matched his when Haymitch told me. I doubted I could find that much happiness at anything. "We lose anything put aside from federal budgets. Apparently, that was much less then expected."

"Perfect. I'm rich, but stuck behind bars." His tone was so light, as though we could laugh away the world together and nothing mattered. I hated it.

"At least you are rich."

"Fine, my love, my darling wife. At least there is money for you; you will be all right without me out there, won't you? I failed your father. That was the last thing he asked of me, to watch over you. To make sure that nothing happened to you."

"I'm fine, Darren. I'm alive, and that's more than I can say for most of the people we know. You pulled me away from the windows during the bombs, you saved me then. They've done what they will with me. It's all settled now. I'm even off of lockdown." Until they ship me to Twelve and I'm in exile there. That's lockdown enough to choke me. "I'm leaving, going to 12. They don't want me here. I need a guardian and the new council has elected Haymitch."

"12?" He clasped the bars of the cell door in both hands. "You are leaving me then." I nod, trying not to look at him. "Is this the way your officially telling me about our impending divorce?"

"You had to see it coming. I'll be nice, wait a few months and do it quietly when people stop watching." I wouldn't tell him the truth, that I wasn't doing it anymore because of him. I was doing it to end all ties, to try to move on. I wanted out.

"Will they ever stop?"

"They'll have to. They can't see me all the way in Twelve." And I couldn't see him from there. No more gestures, whether fake or true, no more glances. I could feel the bars against my face as I leaned closer and I could feel his warm breath as he came closer as well.

He could have kissed me, our lips could have touched, but we both held back. There was no precedent, nothing to tell us how we were to each other anymore. "December, who do you hate the most?"

"Coin." I wanted to tell him everything; I wanted to let him know exactly how dangerous she was. But she was right when we talked to papa. No one would believe me, I would be a child making up stories for her own gain. The Snows had fallen, but only a part of us. The part the world knew.

"And what would you do to her?"

"Kill her with her own weapons." Make her pay; strangle her through her own traps.

"And who is left, that you love the most?"

I didn't think. The word raced from my lips. "You." He was all that was left.

"And what will you do to me?" Darren leaned forward, pushing his hand further through the grate to grab my own.

"Leave you to rot right here." I pushed away from the bars, determined not to look back and I didn't, knowing he was still watching me anyways. I felt Haymitch take my hand, as though I needed someone to lend me strength. I did, but I needed my father.

I heard the door to all the cells slam shut behind us, and I knew I wouldn't see him again. It didn't matter if we were married or not, it didn't matter what the documents said. They were never going to let us be together again. Even if they let him out, I was trapped in 12.

Our power had come in numbers, faces and blood throughout the Capitol. We were elite, a perfect race, and yet we were now nothing. Just two. Just Darren and I. We were more powerful together, and we would never be given that luxury again.

"And where will we go now? Back to one last night in my dismal cell before suffering for eternity in a filthy district."

"No, you are moving into my rooms for the last night here. You are off lock down and my full responsibility as of now. So naturally, you are going straight to bed. Then, I'm getting a drink, a drink to days gone by that you will never really understand."

"Not tonight. Tonight I won't sleep. Not when all I can think of is how they are going to kill him."

"Then, just this once, maybe you need a good drink too."

Haymitch disappeared once we arrived in the rooms, and I found a small bed pulled into the corner of the suite's living space. Folded on the top of the pillows was the same type of silk pajamas I was so used to. For a moment, though it was different rooms, this was still in the mansion. This was still home and I could pretend to feel it.

He returned silently, pushing back the sheets on the bed as I crawled in before handing me a mug. "It's a spiced wine, and I had them warm it. Drink, little one. The best thing for you tonight will be a solid sleep." I slipped quickly, desperate to leave the world if I could. Desperate to push off tomorrow in my mind. "Say the word, and I'll get you out of it. You don't have to go. You don't have to see it." He took the mug from me, tucking a corner of the blanket tight around my shoulder.

"No. Coin will take it as defeat. I'm not going to let her win. Papa wouldn't want that." Sleep started washing over me, eyelids fluttering down. "I need my strength for one more day, and then I can falter." A deep sigh, a large yawn and shuteyes. "Then there will be no one watching."

"Just me and you, little one. Just me and you." And I fell asleep with him still clutching my hand, as though I was all he had left too.


	19. The Hanging Tree

**To my faithful readers, here's the chapter I've waited 68 chapters for. It's the one where December began; it's the first part of this entire twist to our beloved books that came to be. So enjoy as much I've enjoyed knowing this was coming, and be just as excited, as I am about what is to come! Special thanks again to Gabisamore and RueEvergreen.**

**Chapter 18: The Hanging Tree**

_Are you, are you_

_Coming to the tree_

_Where they strung up a man they say murdered three_

_Strange things did happen here_

_-The Hunger Games_

"Wake up, little one. I need to go." My eyes fluttered, desperate to adjust to the sunlight coming through the window, confusion at his hand still clasped on mine. His shirt was wrinkled, the same one from yesterday, as though he slept in the chair at my side.

"Go where?"

"Some last meetings before we leave tonight. I'll come get you before the…well, before. Do not leave these rooms without me, understand?" A tall girl came in, and I couldn't help but smile at her spiraled tattoos. For a moment, everything was normal until I realized why she was here.

"Where is Margarita? She dressed me for my trial."

"Safe, but out of your employment."

"And Kirsti?" My avox. What had they done to her? Why had I forgotten until now, when she was the one who always comforted me the most? Why had I not remembered before?

"In a special facility for the Avoxes. A sort of rehab I believe. I need to go. Be good." And he left, as though he was my father, and whispered for his little daughter to listen to a babysitter. In that moment, I decided not to say a word to the Capitol girl, no matter what past tied us together.

She seemed happy with my silence, only pulling a black dress from the bag she carried. It was like so many of the others, yet with more edge, with more new design than the classic wealth Papa always dressed us in. Black and spunky, what else for a fallen Capitol girl about to witness her father's death? I bet Coin picked it herself.

The stylist whispered in my ear briefly, silently with quiet questions as my only response. Her hands worked quickly, gathering my hair in pins and clasping another string of mother's jewels around my neck.

I didn't ask another question, the main door opening to allow Haymitch in. "Leave. I'll get her down there." She left, as though she had whispered nothing of importance in my ears. "You look beautiful." It was cruel, this forced beauty but Haymitch didn't seem to mind, his thoughts far away. "Know this, little one. If you interfere today, think about what you are choosing. You'd have to run, and who knows if you would find any other civilization. Your not choosing just to give him another day to live, you'd be choosing your future, choosing the man who tried to raise you over anything else. You won't find love like you want wherever you go; he'll be lonely and keep you on a short leash. Your choosing him, over anyone else you have ever known."

I just nodded, not trying to understand. There was no way for me interfere, nothing left for me to do but watch and be sent away. "Soon, we'll be out of here little one, and no one is going to touch you again. Soon everything is going to be just like it was always supposed to."

**X**

"Now, be a good little girl and just stand right here. I promise the second he draws his last breath you can be gone on the train with Haymitch and never have to look back." Where was Haymitch? Why had he disappeared again, and left me with her? "I've given you a pretty good deal, don't you think?"

My eyes counted the guards stationed around us, my hand clenched at my sides to keep from slapping her. "Not one bit, Aunt."

"Be quiet for a few years, and I'll bring you back to me."

"What if I don't want to come back?"

"Shortly, you won't have a choice." She just laughed and pinched my cheek. "Mellark! Keep an eye on this one. You know how newly _valuable_ she is." She said nothing else before disappearing back into the mansion, no doubt on her way up to our balcony. That's where I should be, on the balcony above everyone else once more but she forced me here. She forced me to watch too closely.

Katniss appeared first, the crowd roars like they used to roar for me, but now they didn't even see me hidden behind the columns of my childhood home. It was all too unbelievable, but Peeta's constant presence at my side watching me made me know it was anything but a dream.

Then my father was marched out, and the crowd gets louder while I feel water in my eyes. Peeta's voice was soft in my ears. "I don't like this much more then you do. The bombs in twelve, they killed my parents. It's not a happy pain, and at least I wasn't forced to watch it. No one will notice if you close your eyes."

Somewhere in my heart, I must have known he was being caring, that he truly felt for me but it became a challenge as my father's words from my childhood echoed in my mind. _Are you brave enough to not look away?_ I hadn't then, and I wouldn't now.

They tie his hands to a post, and I want to scream. Why trap him so much, why not let him at least take his last steps as a free man. We were on the terrace, he couldn't go anywhere. I would know, this is where he brought me to play outside as a child. It was small enough that a peacekeeper could catch me in a moment if I started to run towards the Circle. Even then, it wasn't packed with people wanting to see me dead.

Katniss raised her arrow steadily, pointing the tip at the rose in his lapel. Blood dripped from his mouth, forcing me to recoil farther back into the shadows. She raised her head to meet his gaze, his hollow eyes gleaming with excitement. I'd know that look anywhere. That look of promises remembered. The look that could break me in a moment.

I started to step forward to support her, make her do it fast so I could turn away and have the pain over, but it was too late. Katniss shot her arrow right into Coin's heart. Silence covered the balcony and below as the traitor's body fell to the ground.

Coin. Rosa Snow. Dead. Just like that, an arrow into her heart and nothing more. Nothing left to gain from the truth. She was gone, and her lies about to die with my father and my heart.

I took in nothing, not a sound or smell, as hands grabbed the Mockingjay, for now she was nothing but a common traitor to their eyes, like me. Peeta pushed away from his station beside me to clamp a hand over her shoulder as she tried to bite her suit, then she called one name, calling for a shot to end her life but no one fired. No one could move, except me. No one was watching me.

I could disappear in a moment, vanish into the crowd, head for the tunnels. Haymitch had said there were people there who supported me. Only the small laugh from across the steps convinced me to move forward, away from the crowd. Papa. Coin was dead, gone, out of power, wasn't she? He didn't have to die. He didn't have to die. He saw me for the first time as I pushed closer, his laugh changing into two words over and over again. "My rose. My rose."

"May is the month when roses bloom, Papa." The words escaped me before I could clamp my lips shut. She wouldn't have thought to run off in the confusion without him, forgetting for a moment why I was there. She would have rushed towards him immediately.

"But December is when they are a luxury." He tried to reach for me, but his bonds were too strong. No one else saw me kneel in front of him, watching his eyes as I fumbled to loosen the knots.

His eyes grew wide as the knots became looser. "Thank you, my rose." For a mere moment, he closed his eyes and took a deep breath, as if all was peace in the world.

My sister's face flashed before my eyes, the same peaceful expression as she tried to convince herself it was all-manageable. My sister closing her eyes to block out all the destruction around her, sighing to calm her beating heart. If her eyes were open, she might have seen the bombs start to go off once more; she might have stepped from the window.

I saw my brother with the other kids, May yelling for him to come back. I saw the flash of the first bomb and Cory's arm severed away. I saw the second flash, heard the window crack and the glass lodged in her throat.

I was counting the peacekeepers steps again, as he carried me to my parents. I heard Papa shout and Mama fall at the sight of her children.

I heard Peeta describing the mutts chasing them in the sewer, the words he used to tell me Finnick was dead. And Thresh, my Thresh, dying in those games.

My hands slipped from the knots, tightening the first one back again. Slowly, I backed away on my knees, rising to my feet. "December, my rose, where are you going?" His voice was steady as I continued to back away, not believing I would leave him. Then his eyes filled with fear as he began to understand.

He never thought he would die, he knew Katniss wouldn't shoot him, but he counted on me to cut the bonds. It was the plan all along, and he was the first to consciously realize I was leaving him, leaving him to die.

My father tried to pull against the bonds, blood pouring in a steady stream from his mouth. "Ember, my rose, December, please. Cut me out, we can leave as long as it's your choice. I've organized everything, my rose. We'll leave and start over, just you and I."

I wanted to listen, wanted to finish freeing his bonds so we could leave. Nothing was left for me in the Capitol, or in Panem. _If you interfere today, think about what you are choosing… Your choosing him, over anyone else you have ever known._

"No." I jumped at my voice, expecting a soft whisper to go with the tears running down my cheeks, not the strong one that emerged. "You killed my family. You killed your own children and your wife."

"Coin. Her fault. Her rebel killed May, her bombs fell on those kids."

"No. It was your hovercraft." I had to stop pretending. It was time to except the world I was forced to be a part of. "Your order put those kids in there. Cory never would have gone down if they weren't there."

Words could barely escape as the blood stream got thicker and the cords cut into his neck the more he struggled. "Rosa. Ask Katniss."

"It doesn't matter anymore! You forced mama to marry you! You tried to turn me into you and forgot about my sister and mama hated me for it! May and Cory were all she had left, and you killed her just the same! I wasn't enough for her to keep living because of you!"

"No, my rose. Katniss… truth… Coin, Rosa… your mother… loved her."

"And the Hunger Games, papa. Cory could have listened to May when I told him not to go in there. May could have stepped back from the window. Mama could have held on for you and me, but none of them made those choices. Not Thresh, he had no choice. He had to be in the Games."

Then I suddenly knew why Peeta wanted me to watch Thresh one more time. The apple. It wasn't from Darren. Papa sent it, papa sent it drugged. That's how the snake first struck.

"You killed him because of how I felt, because all along you knew, before I asked you to save him, you knew. You reaped him; you were spying on me in 11. That was the request Crane was talking about right before the reaping. It was rigged. And I've watched the tape, papa, and it was all too planned. I know you designed it, I know your work. I trusted you with that medicine, but all it did was mess up his senses when he fought Chaff. You made sure I couldn't send him anything for the snakebite. You killed him."

He said nothing, only staring straight at me and brushing the blood from his mouth on his shoulder. I saw in his eyes he knew there was no time left. "December, I need you to trust me." I had heard those words before, but not from him, and I always automatically trusted him. "I lied, my rose. About everything. Do you understand me? Everything. Even you. … father…the revenge games…I don't want you hurt…"

"Don't start that. You've hurt me so much I was just blind to it. Thresh, my marriage to Darren. No, my father is a man I thought loved me above all else in the world. The father who wouldn't kill a boy to punish me. You're not that man anymore." I didn't want to hear more lies, or whatever he wanted me to believe they were. I simply turned to run.

"December!" I could hear him choking but promised myself I would not turn around. "December!"

Then all went silent, and I turned just in time to see his body go limp.


	20. The Trouble With Truth

**Chapter 19: The Trouble with Truth**

_Every time I try to fight it_

_I know I'll be left to blame_

_Oh, the trouble with the truth_

_Is it's always the same 'ol thing_

_-Gary Nicholson_

The feeling of tears on my cheeks pulled me from the past and back to the camera lights with Flickerman leaning forward to grasp every word. I glanced around the area, noticing tears in everyone's eyes. Even Katniss brushed a tear away. Yes, I had broken the Mockingjay. The truth is a powerful thing. No one moved, no one knew what to do.

Peeta pulled Katniss's arm from around his shoulders and walked onto the makeshift stage. He grabbed my right hand, pulling me to my feet carefully but I didn't have the energy to stand. I said nothing as he scooped me up and I cried into his shoulders. He had so much to hate me for, but he was there all the same.

Why now? I had gotten so far in my story, past Thresh and yet I broke down at the death of my father, the thing I wasn't supposed to care about. Yet, what was there left to tell but two days of hoping for the Mockingjay's death to prolong my trip to Twelve and then a year of miserly moping around here, failing at pretending everything was all right. Haymitch and his geese. My broken soul and me.

"This program includes one important announcement before we bring out our favorite star crossed lovers." Katniss, Haymitch and Peeta looked back and forth at each other in our spot back stage, as oblivious to this part of the program as myself. "At the end of the war, the remaining Hunger Games victors were gathered to vote, and the information has currently been released that those individuals, supported by the new Republic have passed one final Hunger Games, in which the children of the old regime's most powerful shall be reaped as tributes."

Peeta pulled me into his chest tighter as I thrashed out. The remaining victors, three of which who had kept me trapped here for a year. Trapped for the slaughter they never bothered to mention.

"Those were Coin's games, not ours." Haymitch's voice was a whisper, and I believed him. He wouldn't do this to me, he was my legal guardian, maybe slacking on most days but he looked after me enough to get me from Coin's clutches.

Then Peeta opened his mouth. "You voted for them, I told you not to. Take December home Haymitch, I'll stay with Katniss." I began my struggle again as Haymitch took one step forward. Haymitch. He betrayed me again, what else had he lied about? How else had I become as his mercy.

There wasn't a teasing tone in his voice like, as though this time the pet name was a threat instead as he looked at Katniss. "Sweetheart, I'm counting on you to fix this."

"No. You were with me then, Haymitch. So you're stuck with me now."

"Don't touch me!" His strong arms pinned down my legs enough to take me from Peeta's grasp and I couldn't help but flail.

We walked in silence, me just trying to get away from his touch and Haymitch focused on only getting away from the town. Maybe he would murder me now, end any suffering from the arena and just leave my body to rot. His voice was like an airy spirit when he finally did speak. "December, little one, they aren't going to hurt you."

"No, they are." My eyes flooded, words whisking from my mouth on a fast current. "And everyone else that I know, everyone I went to school with, everyone that I've been kept away from, they are going to kill us all! That's why they kept us alive, didn't slaughter us with our parents. They were saving it to make it fun, to play the games they killed my father for playing!"

My own tears kept me from realizing that Haymitch was shaking, but he was never cold. I brushed water droplets from my eyes and looked up to meet his, noticing for the first time they were wet as well.

"Haymitch..." I couldn't say anything else; he was the one who never cried. Like Papa. He stared straight ahead, not bothering to wipe the tears away. Still in silence, he walked up the steps for both of us, tossing me on his living room couch before grabbing a bottle. I didn't bother to try to take it. I could have used some myself, but no matter how drunk he was, he would never give me any. Only that once, the night before papa died, the night before I left him had Haymitch let me share his peace. Since then, he left me to suffer the pains of the mind.

"Leave. You can walk next door by yourself, can't you?" Haymitch didn't bother to pour a glass, just swinging the liquid right from the bottle. I wanted comfort, but I wasn't going to find it here. Yet where else could I go?

"That's all you are going to say to me? I just told all of Panem secrets I barely could admit to myself, because you told me to, and all you have to say is go home? You voted for a future that is going to kill me, and you re just sending me away! Papa swore you would protect me! Why do you have to make his last promise a lie?"

He froze for a second, turning towards me but looking past my shoulder into the distance. "What do you want me to do, my dear?"

I knew his words weren't meant for me, and that no one was behind me either. He was so drunk now the hallucinations I never was allowed around began. But his words did have meaning, for what could I expect him to do now? What could I do when all he knew was the Outskirts girl who died, like a figment of his imagination? The Selena that Finnick always pulled me away from the conversations involving her. Now there was no one, for either of us.

"I'm going to make you a cup of tea. It calms the nerves just as much and you can think straight in the morning." Tonight was different from the ones before. I wasn't sure what calmed my temper, maybe just the difference from his normal offensive, or maybe just hope that with a clear mind he could save me. Didn't he save this little Mockingjay enough times to have one trick left for me?

Haymitch let me take the bottle out of his hand and the protests didn't start until I was in the kitchen. Every part of me was shaking but I allowed no thoughts to travel my head.

I didn't hear him sit down at the table, only noticing he had joined me when I turned to find a clean mug. "Make yourself a cup too, little one, you're going to need it." I grabbed two, knowing he was right.

"Aren't you just in here to get your bottle back?" I tried to place the mugs down softly so they wouldn't break from anything but the tension in my hands.

"I'm already drunk enough for this. Anymore and I won't remember it happened." At this state, there was no way he would. "You got to trust me here, little one. Promise me that you will trust me?"

I had trusted him all my life, no matter how drunk he was and a spurt during the war when I simply didn't want to though I always did and I knew he was right about the truth because finally my mind wasn't on keeping my lies. Yet, those were the same word's my father said the day he died, and I was getting sick of trusting in people's lies. Still, I nodded once, taking a small sip of tea.

Haymitch unclenched his fist slowly, revealing a picture of a woman with bright red hair I assumed he ripped out of an album from the living room shelves. She was smiling in front of an outskirts home, her hand on a large belly that I took for her being pregnant. In the bottom corner she had wrote on the words "Leaving for the hospital today. In a few days I'll hold our baby girl in my arms and both of us shall be waiting for you. See you in December." This was Selena. This was the girl he loved, and lost.

"You were going to have a daughter together. You were going to be a father."

"I am a father." I said nothing for a moment, never knowing how far to take our arguments when he was drunk.

"That's how she died, in childbirth along with the little girl." Why hadn't I known it before? The drinking, the feeling of being out of place every time he appeared in the Capitol. Just like mama, when she lost two of her children. Just like she couldn't go on.

"Yes. Selena died shortly after childbirth because of me, all of it to punish me. They took away our daughter and a doctor who was there let me hear she was weak from labor but she put up a fight when they came and she died from it."

"Did you ever find your daughter? Maybe Selena did something and the child protection force took her away but all you have to do is go to their office and look at the listings." I could picture the building, a small white house towards the Outskirts, full of young children in tattered clothing. The Academy sent us there sometimes, to play with the kids. Maybe I had seen her without knowing.

"She was never missing, Snow always made sure she was right in front of me but far enough that I couldn't do anything about it." I didn't need to say anything for him to realize I wasn't following anymore. Papa. Haymitch hadn't said his name since we left, the whole thing an avoided topic as he tried to drag me back to the world. "Little one, you don't honestly believe you are naturally blond, do you?"

I started to tell him he was crazy, but then my red strand flashed in my eye and I saw the same color in the photo. When I looked up to see him, for once I could place my eyes. I spent my childhood staring into the mirror wondering who had paid a fortune for their eyes to be made a new color in the family. I had once thought they were crazy because the silvery gray was beautiful. Now I knew what they were; they were District 12 Seam eyes.

_I lied, my rose. About everything. Do you understand me? Everything. Even your…_father. That had been the only other word I caught through the blood in his mouth.

"No." My hands crept across the table, slipped to grasp something.

"Coin lied about what she was, didn't she? She made a war against the very same blood in her veins and no one guessed it, you admitted it yourself tonight." I questioned why I even bothered. She was dead, the information useless. I had been too gutless before. That was the truth; back then and still now I was a coward. "Now explain why Snow couldn't pretend you had that blood? How convenient was it for him that you were born fourteen days before his own daughter, how easy was it to pass you off as twins?'

August 4th, fourteen days before the 18th, before my birthday. When Haymitch always pretended to think my birthday was. And May, how alike we failed to be.

"You had a birthmark, in the corner by your eye. The same one as Selena. They scarred the flesh and filled it with that gem to be pretty." The light from the kitchen chandelier was enough to catch the sparkle's reflection as I stared into my cup. "Trust me, little one. By god, trust me. He entrusted you to me, didn't he? He told you to trust me!"

"No, you're lying! Why didn't you tell me before tonight?" Because he heard my entire story, pieced together the pieces I didn't understand into his own version. He was pulling me into his fantasy.

"The Revenge Games, I thought they died with Coin. I'm going to make sure you don't go in on a lie I've lived for 18 years."

They all knew. Grandmother, Mama. That's why they hated me, why mama didn't hold on for me. I wasn't their blood, I wasn't what I had been raised to believe made me powerful. I was nothing next to them, by the same ideals I believed. No, papa wouldn't have lied about something like that. It was too important.

_Don't pretend you didn't see this coming. _Wasn't that what mama had said when they aired the Thresh broadcast._ You can dress her up and teach her to smile on cue, but that won't change what she was born as Coriolanus. _I was born as dirt, expected to be wrong. Born as a bastard to a woman in the outskirts and a district father.

And grandmother's words as I dripped her poison: _Perhaps you are a Snow after all. _I was wrong, I had so much to prove though no one ever bothered to tell me.

"Come here, little one. Come let me hold you." So much for a pet name, a simple joke. _His _little girl, not papa's, not by blood.

"Don't come after me, don't you dare." And I ran, to a borrowed house in the possession of a false name. December Snow Broderson. Did any of it mean anything at all?

**More lies, or more truth? Review and let me know what you all think! **


	21. True Colors

**Chapter 20: True Colors**

_But I see your true colors_

_Shining through_

_I see your true colors_

_And that's why I love you_

_-Cyndi Lauper_

Did I know this face? Yes. I knew its lies. The fake color, the birthmark gorged from my flesh. And yet, without them, who would know me? I was this face, this white blond to match in a family portrait, the glimmering gem of the Capitol's wealth and fervor, and the red strand that gave the truth I never bothered to see. This false face was _the _face. The face of a city, of a nation's wealth. The face of happiness and success. That fallen face of victory, and now the sense of truth fell with it.

The silence I had craved was eerie now, my eyes sneaking a quick glance at the severed phone cord. Two days of endless rings, and now it was silence that never cut into my thoughts and kept me in my endless thoughts. Their questions weren't easy to answer, the reporters pickier about what I said before, digging deeper than they ever bothered. Hadn't I told enough? Hadn't I placed my soul for all of them to crush at their will?

I told everything but the biggest lie I lived. It's because I told everything else that I figured it out, that he told me. One year, we had lived side by side and he said nothing. One year when it would have hurt no one differently then it hurt now and he had been silent. That was the greatest hurt of all.

He listened to that one request, one sentence begging him to stay away. And he did. I wanted to find some excuse first, some reason that he was lying but every time I looked in the mirror, or any reflection, I wanted to cry. Peeta had tried to come, knocking on the door every hour or so for the first day, peering through windows but I ignored him. Haymitch was probably too drunk to fill him on my misery anyhow.

Why now, when everything was supposed to be better? When the world was supposed to know everything, no more lies. They could know the truth about Thresh, how papa killed him. They could know the truth about our _perfect_ little family that I still loved with all my heart. About grandmother, about Cory, about Coin. No more lies, yet instead I was trying to disapprove the biggest one of all.

_What do you want me to do, my dear? I'll echo his words to his lost love two nights ago. Answer me, Thresh. Please let your voice come back to me now. I believe in God, I believe in fate. That's the only thing that makes sense anymore._

_For once admit you don't know everything _I almost laughed, his voice so clear, the words so him. Why had I lost him until now? I forgot the rhythm of his words, the glimmer of life in my soul_.__ You shouldn't be a Snow; it can't be in your blood. _

_No, you're argument was that I wasn't ruthless like my family. I murdered Grandmother, I tortured Peeta. I'm just as they were._

_It's the way you were raised. _

I heard the front door open, my heart sinking as footsteps approached and Thresh's voice vanished once more. I didn't want to see Haymitch; I couldn't face him, not so soon. Unless…Thresh was right. That was the answer, wasn't it? Haymitch could be right, I could be his blood, but I was papa's daughter, papa's rose. I had papa's soul. What else could I say?

"December!" I couldn't help but smirk as he called for me, noticing how the drinks made him sound younger. How many had he had?

"Go away. I don't want to see you, Haymitch." Yet, if he truly was my father, did I have the right to send him away? And even though the answers were forming, I didn't want to speak them. I didn't want to admit that I believed him.

"It's not Haymitch." as I heard the voice speak again, I released a breath knowing I had avoided the day's fear. Yet, as the visitor stepped into the kitchen, I realized the day had fallen past even disaster.

My blood stopped, I could feel my face fall pale, and the plate I had been washing dropped to the floor. "You." A single word was all I could manage to say.

"Yes it is. Did you ever think to again see the man you married?" His hair was longer and lighter, thin strands of gray gleaming from under the main dark brown. I couldn't help but meet his eyes, looking into orbs once so full of life now hollow. His body was thinner, the skin appearing to hang loosely on his cheeks and the once sturdy layer of muscle gone.

"I married a boy." This dark creature was not Darren Broderson, was not the boy who used to follow me with warmth and smiles around the Capitol in our brighter days. _I ran through the City Circle, Darren following behind me. As I looked over my shoulder I could see he was laughing but the sound was lost in the wind. He caught me in a moment, twirling me into his arms for the passersby to see. "If those spiritual beings you like to think about exist, they have blessed me extremely well. I have the most beautiful bride in Panem." As I looked into his eyes I realized just how handsome he was._ "That boy is supposed to be in jail."

"Yes, I bet that was a comfort to you. They released me after your interview. So much for a life sentence, or maybe this is just their way of getting rid of me faster."

"Don't say that. I don't want to think about the Games."

"Then what would you like me to say? Should I talk about how I missed you, how every night I only could fall asleep if I pretended you were at my side? Should I tell you how much it hurt to know that I spent every moment with you in my head and apparently I was never in yours, but _he _was? Would you like me to try to explain how much harder it is to hear what you know, then to only whisper it to yourself?"

"Darren, stop. Please." That's all he needed, my tears to acknowledge my own pain before he was back in every way he once had been. He took my hand, gently at first before a stronger pull, a tighter grasp as he led me to the window seat. One kiss, not even on the lips but on the forehead, was all I needed for the tears to start flowing from my eyes, the tears I never managed to keep back these days.

"Shhh, love. Don't cry." Strong fingers ran through my hair, and I tried to ignore how he twisted the fake strands and didn't expect. The tears came faster. "You should have told me about Coin. I would have tried to stop them, somehow."

"You can't fix everything, Darren." I had to tell him, explain that we were nothing if not just a lie. "Not anymore."

"That still won't stop me from trying. I'm going to get you back to the Capitol; you need to be where your blood comes from. That's how you are going to heal."

"Oh god Darren. How do I even tell you?" He was so perfect, so innocent and hopeful as though a year in a cell did nothing to stifle his spirit like this district did to me. "You won't ever understand."

"I've known you since we were babies, how couldn't I? You have every right to be afraid of the Games, I am too, I'm incredibly frightened but we are going to protect each other, you hear me? We are going to be alright."

"It's not that." I buried my face in his chest, letting his shirt try to dry my eyes. Feet tucked under me and body curled tight into his, I never had felt so small. And for once, I wanted to be something that no one saw or thought of. I wanted to be far from attention.

"I can't help you if you won't tell me, December Snow Broderson!"

"That's not my name! None of it!"

"So you are divorcing me? I knew that, you told me a year ago. I still love you, but if that's what you want we'll do the paperwork first thing when we get back. Let's just find a way back first." His voice was too calm, too serene and accepting. Why wasn't he yelling at m like everyone else? Why was he letting me pretend I was right?

"We have a way back! Our death is our one way ticket!"

Another kiss on my forehead, a squeeze to my hand. "We might not get reaped. You never know."

"Plutarch will make sure I am." I hadn't bothered to think it before, but there was no hiding it now. I was going to die, just like I wanted to a year ago. "That's how his little show will be a success. Don't you remember him? Don't you remember how much he was always willing to do for entertainment?"

"You don't need to ask me if I remember. It all might have well been yesterday with how clear it is."

"I wish mine was that clear. I wish I remembered more." I reached through my mind for the exact color of mama's hair, the way the jewels on her neck always caught the sun and made her sparkly, even when she was angry. "It doesn't matter, Plutarch will make sure I don't come out alive."

"Yeah, well, I'm going to make sure you do."

I didn't have a chance to turn and let him kiss closer to my lips like I suddenly wanted, the front door opening and Haymitch's voice echoing through the halls.

"December! I'm sick of you hiding out on me; a request can only last so long." As his footsteps came close to the kitchen, I shrunk closer into Darren's side. "What the hell is he doing here?" Haymitch looked worse then I felt, the same clothes hanging on his back as the night of the interview.

Darren's unwrapped from me, leaving me alone on the window bench as he walked toward Haymitch and gestured for me to stay put. I didn't argue. "I'm her husband. I could ask you the same question."

"I'm her fa…guardian." I don't know why he changed his mind in the moment, why he didn't just spare me the pain of having to tell at some point.

"She turned eighteen a few weeks ago, didn't you?" It was more than a few weeks, according to Haymitch a whole two weeks earlier then Darren thought. But yes, the basic point was there. "You don't need to be responsible for her."

"I made a promise to look after her, it doesn't matter how old she is."

"Did you vote for the Revenge Games?"

"He did." For a moment I felt like my old self, teasing Haymitch and beating people to the punch line. I sat up a little straighter, swung my feet to the ground.

"Well, you are looking after her quite well. You see, Abernathy, I promised President Snow that I would protect her and I'm going to much better than you, considering your loyalties have always been in question to either side."

"So you haven't filled in your lover boy yet? Little one, would you like to tell him or should I?" Darren crossed back to me, pulling me to my feet. My mind reeled back a year, to when Rosa had dragged me to papa's garden, to his jail and asked him the same question. She taunted him on who should share the secret and now I knew why he left it to her. The words were impossible to find. "Look at your little wife, Broderson. How much Snow do you see her, how much of her father? Look at her face, her eyes. Is he really there?"

My husband clasped my hand and turned me to examine my face. I wanted to clamp my eyes shut, yet some part of me was daring him to find one similarity since I couldn't "No, not in her appearance," A single finger traced over my lips. "But he is every other part of her. Don't you hear it when she opens her mouth?" I couldn't help but smile; glad at least he saw something. Yes, he was right. That was how papa could always be with me.

"Words come with training, looks come with genes."

"Funny, Abernathy. How much drink do you have in you?" Broderson knew, he put it together faster than I did and that was enough to force me to accept the truth. So why did he bother to lead me on as though it was a lie?

"None, not since a couple the night of her interview when she spilled all her secrets, at least the ones she knew."

"She's still my wife, no matter what plot you come up with."

"But it does matter, doesn't it? I'm an entire lie!" I pushed away from Darren, and stalked from Haymitch's outreach. How could I make them understand, that I didn't want either of their hugs, their touches. I just wanted papa, from when Rosa wouldn't let him touch me. A year later, that's still what I needed.

"Didn't you hear me, December? So, maybe Haymitch is right but he didn't raise you, did he? I married you for you." I just looked at my hands, and tried to find something that showed me. The nails weren't even trimmed. "You know that, darling."

The pet name set my teeth to shake, and I breathed deeply desperate to organize my head a bit more. "You married me for blood, for status and name."

"No, that's why they wanted me too. That's why they pushed May at first and I said no. She wasn't you."

"She was so much truer than me."

Haymitch took another step towards me and I back up against the sink before returning to washing dishes. "You don't know that, little one."

"Yes, I do! Why can't the two of you see that?" I threw the dish back down and heard it shatter, the second one of the day and I didn't mind. I was still rich, no matter everything else. The money was left to me, my name, not my blood. "Maybe I didn't know what I really am back then, but I was a fake anyways!" I couldn't control the tears now, and I didn't want to. I just wanted to give in and never have to fight again. "I fell in love with the simple lives of the Districts; I fell in love with Thresh. I hated the clothes, but I loved looking pretty on TV."

Darren stepped slowly, no doubt calculating how to get close to me but I lost the energy to play cat and mouse anymore. "You supported your father."

"Which one? It's time we start distinguishing!" My eyes found Haymitch slumped at the table, head in hands and I wanted to laugh. There was no ease in the truth, there never had been and this is what he was learning. "I supported this one all along, didn't I? I let him get away with his plots; I always gave into his little games! It doesn't matter what I did for papa anymore! I was a lie, and he always knew it!"

Instead of responding Darren pushed me from the sink and back towards the center of the room but I didn't want to move as his gaze was trapped out the window. "December, there are guards stationed around the house." My hand instantly reached for his while my eyes caught movement in the tree line.

"Well, isn't today just full of surprises?" Haymitch's tone was teasing, light and as though we should have expected nothing less. That's why they let Darren out, why they let him come here. So we would be in one place, and better watched. So we couldn't try to run.

As Darren turned back to face us, there was not one bit of mockery present in his mood. "In this country, what day isn't?"


	22. Once Upon Another Time

**Chapter 21: Once Upon Another Time**

_We love, we live_

_We give what we can give_

_And take what little we deserve_

_-Love Never Dies_

I watched the clock. Five minutes to seven. Five minutes to change his mind. "Technically, by your definition, I'm your only family. So family dinner doesn't nearly define this."

"Legally, you're married to Darren. Therefore he is my son-in-law." I didn't mean Darren. I could manage a dinner with Darren. For the last four days, I've managed him sleeping on my couch.

"You still have to define your relationship to Katniss." I turned my focus to the window, desperate for as much warning as possible.  
"All right…she is my... We'll call it a Family and Friends Dinner, but it's dinner all the same. You could have dressed a bit more... simply." I smiled at the tightness in his jaw, and hoped he was thinking just what I meant to have him think.

"I'm rich. Why would I?" I had spent a fair amount of the time in front of the mirror, showing different outfits to Darren before Haymitch dragged us from the house. Somehow, I managed to look like mama, with the blond hair twisted neatly on my head, the dress's top tight through my upper curves and the hem flowing outwards. The shoes, these had once been mama's before she tossed them at me last minute for a party I never bothered to pick up my own outfit for. I looked like a Snow; I looked like nobility and hid everything else.

"Play even."

"The game is never even, is it?" They were at the walk, Peeta holding her arm. She looked angry too, yet their impending arrival made my tongue braver. "Diagnose me as crazy, know that I'm falling apart in your heart but I won't let them see it. I spent the last three years of my life with them as enemies, Haymitch. That won't stop and I know how to handle enemies."

"December, it's high time you grow up and…" A knock came from the front door, right on time. I lit my face in a playful smile and scampered off to answer the door.

Darren beat me there, coming from the living room where he had been reading something while Haymitch and I bickered. Another common occurrence since his arrival.

"Mellark." There wasn't any fake courtesy in my husband's voice. How could there be? How could you even open a door for the man you spent weeks torturing in the cells of the Capitol?

"Broderson." Peeta, even charming Peeta Mellark couldn't manage much more lightness. I wondered if he could still feel the shocks every time he looked at Darren.

"Everdeen." I stuck out my hand, trying to push back the memories of the very first time I touched her.

"Sno…Aber…December." I smirked while she grimaced. She was so easy to throw off, so easy to fumble and somehow she had lasted so long. We were lucky, weren't we? That she couldn't do it on her own, that she needed the rest of them. How much more dangerous could she have been?

I tried to ignore every sound that came out of her mouth as Haymitch had us make up plates and sit at the table. No doubt she was doing the same, hand clasped under the wood shield to Peeta like mine was to Darren, trying to avoid Haymitch's stares from the table's head.

He tried conversation, simple and nothing at all about anything we could disagree over. Except it was us, four young people determined to never forgive the others. And why should I forgive her? Why should Darren?

Peeta had looked better when we let her little rescue team take him. Sure, he had been altered a bit to have some nasty memories but he didn't look sick. He didn't look ten years older.

"Look, all four of you need to understand one thing. I've decided we are going to be a family and we are going to be civil to each other. We've all lost people we love, so lets hang on each other from now on, got it?"

Katniss and I raised eyes to look at each other and saw the same thing: the blame for the death of our siblings. My heart was still hollow, it would always be. I was just like papa, I didn't feel anymore. Maybe that was what happened to him, to all of them. The pain was too much and they just shut down. But Katniss held on, she wasn't ever going to let go, even if I was ten feet under ground.

"How does that work in your head, Haymitch?" Katniss jammed a chunk of potato into her mouth, barely bothering to chew. "She's going to die, she's the last one of them who needs to go."

"Don't you listen sweetheart? She isn't really one of them."

"It doesn't mean I like being close to her."

"And I like being close to you?" I focused my energy on slowly slicing off a bite-sized piece of my chicken so I wouldn't toss the knife at her instead. "I watched you aim an arrow at my own papa's heart."

"I didn't shoot him did I? I hit Coin instead."

Darren stiffened beside me. "Her aunt." I remembered his reaction when he first arrived. The betrayal apparent in his eyes, angry that I hadn't told him before I left.

"Katniss didn't know that." A clink of glass as Peeta pushed his plate further up the table, his hollow tone evident enough that we shared the same lack of appetite.

Darren's arm slipped onto the back on my chair, the wood of it creaking as the legs pulled closer to his. "If she did she would have just done it before you all even arrived in the Capitol." With one look at his face I knew what he was getting at before he even said it. "Our families would still be alive then."

Papa. Cory. May. Aunt Everett. Mama. Even Rosa, she would still be alive. Another Snow 's blood in the world. I was the only one left, and I didn't even have his blood.

Blood. The end of the line. Generations of DNA wiped from the earth. That had been my job, hadn't it? To carry on the bloodline, to never let the Snow family name die. That's what we all were meant to do. Expect me. I was the lie.

"Ours wouldn't." Peeta's voice forced me to bury my thoughts, though their darkness wasn't missed by Darren who squeezed my hand. "Snow bombed District 12 before Katniss even arrived in 13."

Without missing a beat, Darren made the dining room fall silent. "The little girl would be." Prim, wasn't that her name? The little blond thing that died in the same bombs as Cory. I had heard Haymitch whisper that Gale, the fake cousin, had invented those bombs. It served Katniss right for what they also did to me.

Haymitch was the first to look up from his plate. "Like I said, we've all lost loved ones. It is high time we learn to love each other."

Katniss smiled lightly, but her words with cold with punch as we met each other's gaze once more. "Until they take her away to the Capitol for slaughter."

I opened my mouth, but Haymitch kicked my ankle under the table and talked quickly. I fell back in my chair, insults stuck on my breath. "Speaking of that, there is going to be a volunteer system for mentors. You two are going to volunteer to be for Darren."

So that's what this was, not a dinner but a strategy meeting. Somehow, I preferred that. It moved us forward. Unless, as Katniss proved, some didn't want to. "Why would we do that?"

"Katniss. He did it for us. It's the least we can do." The baker's boy, the painter. Well, we always needed a peacemaker at some point. "I'm in."

"What about her?" She gestured crudely with her fork before shoving another mouthful in.

I didn't bother to care about eating anymore, letting my fork clanged down to the plate. "I have a name you know."

"Trust me, I know it. I was forced to hear it enough in my life. December Everett Snow Broderson, the Rose of the Capitol, Our beloved President's favorite child, the adored angel of the people of Panem…"

Haymitch held up a hand, butting in before she could successfully land another reminder of the past that I still held to. "She's not going in. I have a call into Plutarch. He'll know the truth soon enough and things will be taken care of."

"That's it. I'm done." Just like that. One little phone call, everyone taking care of things for me. It was so easy to him; just a phone call and all would be fixed. It made me sick.

"Little one…" I didn't even check to see if Darren was following, I didn't even reach for my jacket. I just marched outside. Haymitch never followed, and that was the real one I needed to avoid.

Darren did follow. He always did. "December! All leaving like this will do is show Katniss she can throw you around."

"It's not her, not entirely. It's Haymitch. He sits there and acts like suddenly everything is fine, everything is perfect and he can fix everything." My breath quickened and I couldn't help but reach for his hand. "He can't! I'm going to die, Darren! You're going to die too!"  
"He's going to get you out!"  
"Maybe I don't want out! You think I like this? Having an easy save?" I guess I noticed it the moment I said it. I always took care of myself; I always did what I was supposed to. And this time, I wasn't supposed to back down and hide.

"I was raised to be papa's daughter, I was raised to be his blood, to carry on the Snow blood line and now I find out that everything I was taught was a lie, but because of it I might get to live? What is there to live for then?" Hadn't they all said it anyways, I was still more papa, more mama and Cory and May then I ever would be Haymitch. "Thresh still talks to me, if papa can too…" I couldn't imagine what he would say. How disappointed he would be.

"Breathe. There is everything to live for, and you just need to find your exact motivation once more." A kiss on my cheek, another squeeze of the hand. "That's all. Just a little searching and we'll carry on."

I hated the silence, so I broke it with the only thing I could think of away from the pain. "The rain feels good, refreshing."

"After that dinner, wouldn't anything be so?"

And I managed an honest answer. "Moonlight. I would like moonlight." Our gazes moved together, up to the dark sky searching for light. A few stars, but the clouds hid everything else. Moonlight would have made the bushes along the street less frightening. Moonlight might have illuminated some of the guards stationed around that we still pretended not to see.

"When did you become such a romantic?"

"When I met Thresh, under a night sky just like this. Except for the rain, and then there was a moon." I laughed. No, there was nothing like that night, and there never would be. I was too changed, let alone the world.

"You'll find an answer to all of this, I know you will."

"Why?" That was the real question, wasn't it? Why everyone else bothered to think it would all work out when I was smart enough to know it couldn't.

"Because I've always believed in you. "

"I did believe in us, you know, in this. I saw us with a future one day, with kids and being happy." Words flew from my tongue, and I made no effort to stop them. "When I first came here, I used to pretend that I was just on a District tour again and you were back in our house, keeping an eye on our son." I couldn't forget those days, walking by the old station and just closing my eyes to block out everything else. "He was a little boy who looked like Cory, or maybe it really was him, my thoughts were so foggy anyways."

That had been my greatest nightmare at first, more then memories of the windows, or papa's execution. The future that seemed to be so close but yet it was completely gone. That was what I hadn't been able to block out. Darren was crying, and I let him rest his head on my shoulder as we settled on the front steps of our home. "I just thought you should know. Remember 67? When you told me you loved me?" I knew he didn't forget, I never would. "Maybe then, there was a part of me that knew I loved you to."

"So you do love me?" I had never heard his voice so thin, so weak. I squinted in the pale lights coming from the ones I had forgotten to turn off in the front hall. His face was still so pale, so sickly. His body still so thin. What had they done to him?

"I did, once, though I was too busy mourning Thresh that I missed it." He had always been there, he knew me in my darkest hours and I had missed it. I had known he loved me, hadn't I? I just missed how much, and the part of me that wanted to love him back.

"And now?"

"Now? Now I know nothing, and I guess it all starts over again."

"So I still have a chance?" He smirked, the tears vanishing from his eyes and I desperately tried to push back my own.  
"How?" I didn't even recoil this time at how much of a child I sounded. I was nothing better in the end. "Think about it, Darren. I'm a wreck. I can't think straight anymore, not one bit. I'm so lost to myself, how can I expect you to understand me?"

"I'll always understand you."

"We are going to die, Darren. I won't survive the Games. I've never gone hungry for an hour. Neither have you."

I could see his thoughts whirring in his mind, and I just wanted to understand him. "Sometimes, there are things you won't understand. Here's the thing though, love. You aren't going in. They announced it would be the children of the people in power then. You aren't really his daughter. Haymitch will prove it. That's his plan."

"But you will."

He didn't miss a beat, and this time there was not stopping the tears. "And I'll come back."

"That's the exact same thing he said. I won't live through that twice. I can't. Not again." No more voices, no more tears. That's what I wanted. No more memories, no more screens. "Everything was always planned before, and you know what all of this has proven? There are no plans; there is no control over things. We can't predict our lives anymore, and maybe we never could but at least they all knew how to pretend! In another time, I could tell you the future. I could tell you how many kids we were going to have, just…"

"Three."

"One." We spoke at the same time and I snuggled closer into him.

"See, December? Maybe you didn't know as much as you thought."

"What am I, Darren? Really?"

"You are my best friend, my most trusted advisor. You are Haymitch's daughter by blood, and Coriolanus Snow's by trait." He kissed a different part of my face with every sentence, just like Thresh used to do. And for some reason, the similarity seemed so different this time. "You are the one who never quits when everyone else wants to; you are the poster face of the old ways. Most of all," His lips came closer to my mouth, breath warm on my own and I felt my heart aching for what he might say next. "You are my wife, the first girl I've ever loved and the one that makes me never want to love again." He kissed me again, on the lips like he had before but this time not lightly, not in fear of what I might do. He was beyond my own mind now. "One night, love, like we should have had before now. One night, truly husband and wife. Just give me that."

I had known so much love, in different ways. Maybe it was time now to know it one way more, since everything else had run so dry. "Alright, one night. Mr. Broderson, would you like to see the Master bedroom?"

"I would love to at this moment exactly, Mrs. Broderson." He kissed my neck while a hand tugged at my dress hem before standing. Arms wrapped around my waist, though he only stumbled back. "I guess I don't have all my strength back yet, but trust me, love, this is a night you won't regret." He smiled, eyes flashing with mischief as he unlocked the front door and gestured me in.


	23. Poison & Wine

**Chapter 23: Poison & Wine**

_You only know what I want you to_

_I know everything you don't want me to_

_Oh your mouth is poison, your mouth is wine_

_Oh you think your dreams are the same as mine_

_Oh I don't love you but I always will_

_-The Civil Wars_

Light sneaked in through the windows, and for the third morning I once again woke up at my husband's side. His hand clasped mine and his heartbeat was steady against my back. He was waking as I snuggled in closer, and I could still feel his ribs through his skin when I pressed closed enough. How long had he been here? Almost a week?

He ate barely a bite at meals, as though the food was dangerous. I hadn't truly realized how bad he was until the first morning we woke up together, after that first night, and his shirt still crumpled on the floor. Then I saw the bruise, and the vanished stength that once rippled his chest.

I rolled over, turning to feel his warm breath on his lips, if not to know he was still truly alive. I knew he had awakened when he planted a kiss on my lips. "Morning, my priceless rose." A smiled crept onto my face, yet my fingers still traced a rib bone line.

"Darren, what did they do to you?"

He slid from the bed, forcing me to gather the sheets around myself for warmth. "Nothing."

"Don't lie to me." Still wrapped in the sheet, I followed him to the window and rested against his side. "Papa made me promise no more lies, right before the war. No more lies, I can't take them. Please."

"They didn't do anything to me. That is the truth."

"Then why do you look so sick? You don't eat; you're as thin as the homeless in the outskirts that hid under porches. Those bruises, Darren. They are terrible and you expect me to believe they didn't touch you?"

"I did it to myself." His gaze was off in the distance, towards the main sector of District 12, as though he was almost there, suffering with them, instead of here with me. "In the beginning, a guard or two tried to get me to eat, so they beat me up a little."

"Why?" I didn't want to hear anymore, I wanted to block out more realities but I couldn't. Maybe that was the greatest gift mama and papa had given us. Ignorance. Because once you learn one thing, everything else follows in a crash.

"Why should I have eaten? Why should I have taken what they had to give? You were gone, weren't you? All I had left to bargain with was my life. I knew about the Revenge Games, I heard their whispers. I thought maybe if word got out I died in jail, I died on their hands, people would argue. I thought my life might just save yours."

"Darren…" A hunger strike. That's what this was. I had heard of them before, the strongest rebels trying to control their own fates in the cells, trying to make it seem like they were malnourished when we supplied them with food. But they died anyways, and no one ever knew. Things don't change just because someone new sits in an office. He could have died, and everyone, me, would have thought he was still down there. They could have even lied when I asked. And for me. He tried to kill himself as a statement for me.

"I would make it a few days, then either the pain would overcome me or they'd finally force something down my throat."

A loud knock came from downstairs, followed by the ding of the door's bell. In a moment that distant look in his eyes was gone, and a smiled came to match the one I had minutes ago. My own didn't seem anywhere close by. "I'll get it, dear. Get some clothes on, and we'll walk into the square and buy a few more food items to make a nice brunch."

"You'll eat it?"

"I'll eat some." I wanted to argue, but there was another ring of the doorbell and he vanished downstairs while I went into the bathroom.

There was a box on the sink counter, filled with three large bottles of shampoo Margarita sent from the Capitol, with a sweet note of how sometimes such things as familiar shampoo could be comforting when away from home. Yet, as I caught a glimpse of my grey eyes in the mirror, I realized another trick.

Shampoo, the same scent and bottle label I had known since I was a baby. I knew May used to change hers often, asking for different formulas for volume or quick growth. Margarita never offered any to me. Mine was hair dye.

Voices echoed from the hall before I could decide what to do with it. "Leave my house, Abernathy!" Haymitch. Why did he always show up at these moments, the moments when I just wanted to handle things on my own?

"You're house?" Fingers fiddled with some clothes in a pile on the tile floor, enough to look semi-presentable for this little town.

"We are married. Except it."

"Has she?" There was silence for a moment, and I pushed the thought from my head. That was not a question I could tackle now, not after what he just told me. Instead, I raced down the stairs.

"You've delivered what you came to give. Now, go." I got to the front hall as Haymitch was already off the front steps and back down the walk. Good. I didn't really want to see him either.

"What was he dropping off?"

"Some mail he picked up in town for you. It's from the Capitol." He didn't need to tell me, I recognized the seal on the box in a moment. I had grown up with that seal waving above my head. Darren opened it for me, passing me a short note after removing three slim disks.

_Two are from one last promise to my brother-in-law. One comes from my own discretion. Visit when you return. You still have family, little rose, no matter how things were before._

_-Uncle_

"Ansgar. I guess my interview reminded him that I exist." It would at least explain the disks, no doubt video files from the archives. Was he still working down there? Coin had him protected in honor of their short marriage…did she truly let him stay in his post? "What do you think they are?"

He walked towards the living room, flipping through the pile of three and examining the writing on each. "Look at the dates. This one is the day Snow used for your birthday. This one is the day your father died. The last one…" He handed me the disk, and I knew in a moment.

"The night Thresh died." What was on here? Didn't I know enough about that night, or did he just want to make me suffer once more? Maybe it was Thresh. Maybe right before his fight with Cato when he was alright. One last memory of peace. Or maybe something much worse.

"Do you want to watch them?" His question was obvious, and so was my answer.

"No, but I need to. Start them now. Go in order." He slid the disk in effortlessly and I collapsed onto the couch and waited for the screen to change from solid back to some moment in the past that could answer so many questions.

X

"You can't take my child from me! Please!" I watched my birth mother scream on the screen as my father motioned for the peacekeepers to pass him a baby…me.

Somehow, the pictures hadn't captured her exactly right. I knew I would never search for mama's face in my own again. This woman was too much of me. My hand reached for a strand of my blond hair and I twisted it in my hand as papa spoke on the tape.

"I can do whatever I wish. She will be well cared for. Imagine that, a daughter of a filthy district twelve tribute raised like a princess."

"Haymitch isn't some filthy tribute! He is a victor and deserves to be able to raise his child!"

"Oh really? Tell me Selena, how was he planning to raise the child? By sneaking off to the outskirts when he has duties as a mentor during the Games? Was he planning to abandon those children who simply rely on him for a few weeks to survive, the same way he snuck away to make a whore of you?" The way papa put it, that way, where I never would have had a father. I tried to picture that life, only seeing a father twice a year. No. I needed papa.

"Please, will you ever let him hold her? She needs to know her father!"

"I am now her father, don't you get it? This child will love me!" And I do. I swear it every day, no matter what I've done.

"How could anything so pure love a creature as vile as you?"

"Oh Selena, how you've betrayed yourself and your friends. You have snuck a victor into your house for a few hours of simple pleasure. Surely we had others then Haymitch Abernathy available for you."

"I love Haymitch! Does love mean nothing to you?"

"Of course it does." He coddled me lightly, my baby hand wrapping around one of his own fingers, as though I would never let go. "I love my wife; it took me years to snag her for myself because she didn't understand how much I love her. I love the daughter she gave birth to only a few minutes ago, in this very hospital, the girl who will be this one's twin. And I will love this child, as she will love me."

"Your wife doesn't love you, that's why it took so long." She smiled lightly, yet mischief raged in her eyes. How many times had I felt such emotions in my own? How many times had I made my voice just as sweet? "My daughter won't love you either."

And for a moment, her voice made me feel guilty that I did.

"I am the one who will raise her. She will grow up believing I am right, and will worship me as her father should."

"So because you couldn't brainwash her father, you will just take her."

"It's not brainwashing when she will choose to believe it."

"If you want to hurt Haymitch so bad, kill me."

"No. I've already given him that pain. Now I will give him another." Darren squeezed my hand and I realized this was it. I was listening to my father explain his master plan for revenge…explain me. "He will watch as his daughter grows, and won't be able to touch her. He will watch as she loves me and the entire Capitol dotes on her as their princess. He will watch, and be able to do nothing. This is pain he can never escape from."

"Give me back Penelope!" Selena…my mother… struggled to push herself up on her arms but she was too weak.

"Would that be followed by Delancey or Abernathy?"

"Abernathy! I am not ashamed of her father!"

"Very well. Good-bye, Selena. I think the child will be up for adoption soon anyways based on your current medical records." Coriolanus Snow said nothing more as he walked away from the hospital bed, my baby self still wrapped in his arms as he cooed to me and I began to smile before we both disappeared off screen. "You, December Everett Snow, are as beautiful as a rose."

X

"Just put in the next one. I can't think right now." Yet the moment it took him to change disks was long enough for the tears to rush from my eyes. My mother…my true mother…how could Haymitch look at me and not think of her? I wanted to shut it off, end the connection I had to that woman I never even knew. Suddenly, the hair dye shampoo didn't bother me anymore. I wanted to use it.

"You ready?" His finger hovered over the button as though I would back away now and leave this _gift _alone. But this one was Thresh. I couldn't.

"At least I'll get to see his face again."

How wrong I was.

X

My father paced the width of the room, clutching a glass of wine tightly. "Coriolanus, calm down. You are making me sick watching you." For once, mother put aside her magazine, paying full attention to her husband. "What in the world is the matter? The Games will be over in a day or two, and they've been highly successful this year."

"I watched, Maribelle. I shouldn't have watched at all." Mother stood, helping him into an armchair by the fire as he gulped the last half of the wine. It was strange to see her again, Maribelle Snow. What was she to me? A mother? No, so much of her coldness makes sense now…yet, was it not the same as papa? Did not she raise me as well?

"Watched what?" How had I convinced myself she was in me? Neither her gestures or face touched my natural senses.

"Her, and that dead boy. She loved him, she actually loves him." He threw the glass across the room and it smashed to the floor. The moment I watched him die, our last moment together. Papa watched it. He had cameras in the room.

"Of course she did, and you knew it all along. That's why you ended it, that's why you made sure he didn't come back with a chance of life."

"I shouldn't have listened. I should have stayed away. He was dying in her arms and she still wouldn't say she didn't love me. I killed him, and she loves me. The boy knew he was dying because of me but she wouldn't listen!"

"Why are you upset? Isn't that what you wanted? You wanted her to love you, you wanted her to see you as the opposite of what her father saw."

"I am her father!" Mother stood, shutting the living room door sharply.

"They are asleep, Coriolanus. I won't play along when it is just us two alone! I've been pretending for fifteen years! Be honest with me for one night!"

"I've raised her, we raised her! She's mine, Maribelle, she will always be mine!"

"She murdered your own mother!" So they knew that secret as well. They always knew my secrets. "You're blind to what you've created!"

"Tell me, what do you see in her that isn't Snow? What do you see in her that isn't Capitol?"

"Those eyes." She spat her words, checking her own reflection in the clear glass of a vanity mirror. "Every time I look at her I remember. Every time she runs off to the training center I remember. Do you think he's never hinted? Don't you worry every time she walks out of this house that she'll find out?"

"Haymitch won't say a word, he knows the cost. He told Finnick, but I found my way to keep Finnick quiet as well." Finnick. He had known. And he was dead too.

"Would you hurt her if he told? That's what you've made him think, but I know you won't. You like her too much, even better than your own daughter!"

"Give her love, Maribelle, and I won't have to give all of mine to her."

"Don't pretend that's what it is, you don't feel guilty that she isn't loved by me. You simply take pride in every time Haymitch looks at her, every time she plays the games to hurt people related to her unclean district blood."

My father reacted on the screen faster then I could process what she said. He slapped her quickly, a red mark appearing on the side of her face. "Speaking against this family leads to interrogation." _Unclean blood. _Mama was right, that was exactly what I was. Dirty blood, nothing of the pureness I should be, that I deserved to be.

"I am this family! You never gave me a choice not to be!"

"That is past, Maribelle, we need to focus on our children."

"There is going to be a war, you know it. No matter who gets out, you sense it. Our children, growing up during a war."

"They won't be able to be children too long after it starts. They will need to grow up. What have we done, Maribelle? What have we brought into the world? One son who got his skull crashed and two girls who could at any moment..."

"One. For once be happy to admit that only May is our blood, for that means only she is in danger of it. If he hadn't fell, we couldn't say it was accident, not genes. If he hadn't fell, we would still be waiting to know. This is better for him, Cory, this is better for him."

"For him, or for you? So you don't need to admit what you breed with."

"You spent years seducing me. Then even after I killed my child, when I aborted that first baby you still wouldn't let me go!"

"You never said anything to me until after it was done. You killed our boy without a word!"

"I thought it would make you leave me alone, I thought you would see I didn't want you. I wanted a child, I always did, but I never wanted yours."

"That is why you hate her, that is it, not that she isn't from your womb. You hate her because she is like me." My father shrank further into his chair, yet she perched herself on the chair's arm rest right at his side.

"If only my own children didn't find you so fascinating."

"Why? Why do you hate me, Maribelle?"

"You don't ever let go."

"I love you, why would I?"

"If you truly loved me, Coriolanus," She rested her head on his shoulder and he clasped her hand. "You would have."

X

Thousands of questions raced through my mind the moment the screen turned black, but the one Darren voiced hadn't occurred to me. Yet, it was the most frightening of all.

"December, is that what we are going to become?"


	24. Devil Take the Hindmost

**Chapter 23: Devil Take the Hindmost**

_Deal the cards, let them fall_

_Choose your hand, try your best_

_He who wins, wins it all_

_Devil take the hindmost_

_-Love Never Dies_

"December, is this what we are going to become?"

My husband's voice was soft, and I leaned into him on the couch. I knew what he was wondering after what the video of mama and papa. He was wondering if his parents were the same story, the same fake love for the public and raw resent in the bedroom. More importantly, were we lying to ourselves?

"One more. We don't need to watch it. We can stop."

"Put it in Darren Broderson." Somehow I knew what it was. Haymitch had vanished, shortly before the execution, hadn't he? And he came back with a warning. Don't go with Snow. Haymitch had gone to the Rose Garden. "And don't let go of me."

The past was starting to blend too well with the present, and I needed some hold to tell the difference.

_X _

"Have you come to bring me out to the show?" Papa laughed, though the blood was already gathering in his mouth. Haymitch just leaned against the wall and watched the man in shackles.

"No. Some of Coin's soldiers will be here soon though to do that. She just sent me ahead for a little chat."

"It took you a while to show up. After all these years this is your first time coming to me."

"You don't think I didn't try? You don't think I didn't notice the secret forces stationed around my home for the first five years? But you came to me once, you came to twelve under the pretenses of intimidating Katniss, and you brought my daughter with you. You were scared, admit it."

"Yet you never called me out on it." Papa sneered, watching his visitor gleefully.

"How could I? It was easier when you killed them, because after my family was dead, after Selena was gone, I owed them nothing. Nothing I did could affect them anymore." Haymitch closed his eyes, breathing deeply and words slow. "Except her, every movement I made affected her, don't deny it. I played the game for almost sixteen years, didn't I? I showed up, I stayed in the training center. Sure, I got drunk but I didn't know what else to do." His eyes opened, and I saw nothing but certainty, as though all along this was how he truly believed the game would end. "Then I saw my chance and I would have been a fool not to take it."

"And what was that chance? Surely you wouldn't risk the life of your own blood for one stupid girl who just might succeed."

"No. My chance was after the 74th reaping, when Seeder came to me about December's roamings in 11, when I tried to tell her he didn't love her to protect her and she cried all day. She loved him, and you are a fool for missing it in the beginning."

"You didn't think I knew! I ordered his reaping on that very day! She was standing right next to me as Crane said it would be done." I didn't want to hear it again, how he killed Thresh. I didn't want to be reminded, wasn't Peeta's screen a year ago enough? It made everything so much darker when I just grappled to stay in the light parts.

Yet Haymitch ignored his cruel smile. "I knew it would end disastrous, but it was my chance to make the aura that shined around you in her eyes break for a just a moment when he was hurt. I just got lucky it was Katniss's year. Coin sent me here for a reason, I didn't come on my own will. Today, you are going to die. I won't say that I enjoy that Coin sent me to tell you my daughter's fate. December is going to go into the arena. There will be one more Hunger Games."

"No." Papa stuggled on the chains, trying to lurch forward but Haymitch didn't move. "That barbaric woman wouldn't dare."

"She confessed it was her idea. Left the vote to the seven of us Victors still alive. It doesn't matter though, she isn't your kid. She's mine. Coin's words were that she would use the children directly related to those who had held the most power. December isn't related to you."

"She designed those games just for December!" Haymitch looked him straight in the eyes, barely blinking as my father wiped blood from the corners of his mouth with a handkerchief. "Tell her, Tell everyone. It will be enough to save her. I love her, I do with every bit of my soul."

"Are you even capable of love?"

"I loved my wife, I loved Cory and May. I loved my father, my mother, Everett and even Rosa, at least the way she used to be before…never mind that. Do you honestly think I spent all these years slaving at a desk for my own enjoyment? I did it to protect the future for my children. I only have one child left, whether she be of my blood or not, I still count her as my child and I love her."

"Then tell them all. Tell her to her face before you die."

My father closed his eyes, breathing softly as he pondered Haymitch's words. "No. Let her mourn me as she knows me, don't confuse her when she already must feel grief. It's your right to tell her when you are ready, not mine."

"And if she doesn't believe me?"

"Tell her to look in the mirror at her eyes. She once asked me if she should color them because whoever else had them in the family must have thought they were ugly and changed it. Find a picture of Selena and question her to exactly why I always wanted that strand in her hair. I never gave her a full answer on it. But you are going to tell them anyways, to save her from the Games. That's why you agreed to them. To make me think you were taking something from me, but once I'm dead she will be safe. You won't let them touch her."

"I never said I voted yes."

"But, you did. I've been watching you for 25 years Haymitch Abernathy, ever since you first climbed onto the steps of the District 12 Justice Building when they called your name at fourteen. I know your mind. It's just like hers, just like December's." I gasped and Darren reached for my hand. No. My mind was papa's. It belonged to papa, didn't it? "Promise me, Abernathy? Promise me that she'll know? She deserves to know the truth. That, or let us go. We'll leave and never come back. I'll take her away from here, where she can be safe."

"I sense a deal. I'll play your game, Snow. She'll be there, on the front steps where you will be. Coin wants her in the shadows behind Katniss. If she tries to save you, if she chooses to do that, you get to leave. I'll deal with Coin. You go, untracked and alive as long as you never come back."

"What do you win if she doesn't?"

"Full and legal custody, signed over by you. I even brought the papers. Coin tried to get custody in court the other day. I thought I'd tie up loose ends. Also, I don't have to promise to ever tell her anything."

My birth father handed papa a document, with a true capitol seal, along with a pen. Papa barely looked at the words, hurrying to sign his signature and tuck the papers into his jacket.

"Hand them over Snow."

"When I lose, and I usually don't, you can pull them from my dead body."

"Have a pleasant after life. If I'm lucky, it might involve you burning in everlasting flames. At least I hope I don't see you on the other side."

"If you aren't bringing me out, where are you going?"

"To get my daughter."

_X_

"I could have saved him. I really could have saved him." I wasn't angry, and it wasn't remorse in my voice. What scared me most was that I just didn't know, that no one ever told me anything and now I barely understood my own emotions. I chose Haymitch. Didn't I? Over papa… just like Haymitch had once chosen Katniss over me.

"No you couldn't have. Coin would have found you both, Haymitch wouldn't have stopped it and if you two ran off who is to say that Rosa would have ever died? She would have killed you too." No, Katniss would have killed her anyways, as punishment for letting us sneak off, or simply for the same revenge. But me, well…

"Maybe that would have been better. For all of us." Darren could be dealing with his own safety, forgetting about me. He wouldn't have starved himself in the jails, he might have come out strong enough to win.

"Don't say that, love. Don't you dare. What do we have December Broderson?"

I snickered, ticking off the boring blessings and pitiful nightmares on my fingers. "Money, a house here and in the Capitol. A looming death in the arena and a family disaster."

"And each other."

I ran my hand down his cheek, desperate to remember that feeling and leaned in for a kiss but stopped myself right as his lips to whisper. "For how long?"

Darren kissed my forehead, pulling a blanket from the side of the couch to around my shoulders. "Forever."


	25. You're My Better Half

**Chapter 24: You're My Better Half**

_It's the sweet love that you give to me_

_That makes me believe we can make it through anything_

_'Cause when it all comes down_

_And I'm feeling like I'll never last_

_I just lean on you 'cause baby_

_You're my better half_

_-Keith Urban_

"I made some eggs." I didn't want to wake him; there was some sort of solid tether to the world by watching his steady breathing. Some sort of way to remember he truly was here, that we were going to make it through like he always said when he was awake.

Darren rolled over, raising a hand to block the sun coming in between the curtains. "How long have you been up?"

"A few hours." At least, that was what I thought. My eyes would close, and I couldn't judge the distance between when they opened again except to know it hadn't been very long. Maybe I hadn't even slept at all.

"December," His eyes met mine and I switched my gaze to the floor. "I told you to wake me up."

"I'm alright. You need sleep too. I don't want to be the reason that you're exhausted." I was sick of being the fault for everything, the one that everyone threw things down for. I wasn't worth it.

"You're my favorite reason to be exhausted." He threw back the covers and I sat on the edge of the bed, running a hand down his bare chest. The bones didn't feel as sharp anymore, but I still struggled to look at him in fear that it may be just as bad as before.

"Let's go eat. Your breakfast is getting cold."

He slid from my touch, lifting my hand to his lips. "It doesn't matter how thin I am if you can't even sleep anymore."

"Being awake is better, honestly. It keeps me from living in the past." It wasn't nightmares, just memories that had changed now that I knew the truth of things. I just wanted them to be the old way, where things just were. They weren't lies, they weren't secrets. Or at least I could perceive it that way.

"I wish I was enough to keep you here."

"You are." I rested my head on his chest. "Don't you see that now? Every time I wake up, every time I see this ceiling instead of the one back home I want to scream, to cry. And then I feel your warmth, your touch as I never knew it before back then and I remember that we've changed, that the world changed and it doesn't matter anymore. I've my decision, they've gotten me here and there is no going back." I didn't tell him how much I still wanted to, how much I wanted to wipe clear my memory and forget the truths. How much I still wanted to go back to Thresh and I under that open sky.

"You and I, December, we're going to make it."

My laugh was weak, but the smile seemed to function as intended. "Not if you don't eat your breakfast." He smiled and pushed me off the bedside.

"Let's go taste these deliciously cold eggs then." Darren only paused at the dresser drawer to grab a shirt that he slipped over his head as we walked downstairs.

We could be happy. We will be happy. What a mantra, but I guessed that is what people like me needed. A mantra, some glimmer of hope to latch onto before the thoughts went dark again. Aurelius had marked me healthy, hadn't he? Said I was mentally healed that last time he came to visit with all the cameras. Better marks then Katniss anyways I think. I couldn't risk letting him get word he was wrong.

What was wrong with this picture? My husband at the breakfast table, smiling and joking that I was a master chef all with a smile while we ate cold burnt eggs. A clean kitchen, with a few rose pots Haymitch, I guess, remembered to tell the cleaning woman to bring in. It was our clothes in the closet, our things in the drawers. Whatever it was, it was our own sense of comfort, of peace.

I could be happy with him. He loved me, just like Thresh had. He found me beautiful and funny, he held me tight when I cried, all just like Thresh. He knew how to brush my hair behind my ear with the softest touch, just like Thresh.

But Thresh was right, as usual. _Be happy with him. He'll give you what I can't now. _It was more then life, then someone to hold me in the night. Darren was my memories, my person to understand my mind. That wouldn't have been Thresh. He never would have understood. Nothing could have made him see that there was more to my father then the monster the districts overthrew and how much I still needed that bit of him.

This moment, with my husband's hand clasping mine and a smile was the best I could ask for when so much else was lost. And that, somehow, I decided I could live with. Yet, like with all perfect moments, we live in an imperfect world that refuses to let them last.

Haymitch didn't bother to knock, just opening the front door and shouting for us before following voices into the kitchen.

"Get the screen on already. It will all be over soon." The reaping list announcement. That was today. Where it became official who was possibly going in. How did we forget? It must have been apparent on our faces. "Too busy lovemaking to keep a calendar these days?"

"Too busy dealing with your collateral damage." Haymitch only grunted while dragging us to the living room and hitting the button. I didn't want to look, focusing all my attention on how Darren and Haymitch attempted back and forth banter until Plutarch came on.

I knew I would be listed as Plutarch unrolled the list in his hand. It was simple; reap all the surviving children who were enrolled in Capitol Prep. It was as if the school was created for that purpose alone, to gather all the children of parents they wanted to punish together.

"The names will be read in descending order of grade level and in each grade alphabetically. The year that was age 12 during the rebellion will each have one entry; age 13 will have two and so on up to the age of eighteen. Reaping pools will be based on the five beaches of service in which these 79 jobs came from; Politics, Gamemakers, Peacekeepers, Media and Mutation Development. From each, five tributes will be chosen creating a total of 25 tributes. Those who should have enrolled in Capitol Prep and either were homeschooled or attended the other schools by choice are also entered." In my head I was trying to count how many fell in our branch, calculate our chances with six entries each.

Plutarch began reading through the names, obviously using the old roster. The level above us was small, only a few remaining since most others joined the forces. Yet he still read each name, following the dead ones with unenterable. I wanted to puke.

"Darren Blake Broderson. December Snow Broderson."

"Abernathy Broderson." Darren grabbed my hand to keep me silent as Haymitch spoke. No, today wasn't right for a fight. Plutarch just continued reading on the list, yet the gleam of mischief gone from his eyes now that his main targets were announced. Macey. What had happened to her? And she was supposed to marry Charlen. They killed her father, just like mine. Made us a generation of orphans.

"May Vanessa Snow- unenterable." He moved on to the next name simply, as though my sister was only out of town instead of cold stone buried deep in the Capitol graveyard. I cringed as he read more names, hearing the word repeated constantly, through all the grades until they got to the lower classes.

"Coriolanus Snow Jr, unenterable."

"Because of you! Because that Rebel hovercraft killed him!" Both Darren and Haymitch grabbed my arms as I flung towards the television set. Tears poured from my eyes and Darren rubbed them away.

"Ember, calm down. They killed him, but it saved him from these games."

"Get me out of here, Darren. Get me away. I can't do this anymore."

"That's what my mother said before they locked me up, the last time I saw her." Hadn't I once thought that it would have taken my mother-in-law strength to kill her self? I was right; I wasn't even worth that freedom.

I couldn't listen, only seeing my brother on the backs of my eyes. My nails scratched on my arms, yet too dull from gnawing that they didn't leave marks.

"December, stop thinking that!" He pinned my arms down and I just sat there and cried. "We could declare her unhealed mentally. She can't go into the Games like this."

Haymitch stood, slamming the screen off and Plutarch continued to make announcements. "I already told her how I'm getting her out. They'll take a DNA sample and find there is nothing to enter her on." I was sick of it, them talking around me like I wasn't even there.

"No." My voice was weak but I was desperate to be heard. "No. I deserve to be entered just as much as any of the others. How much did anyone honestly do that I didn't?" I ripped my arms from Darren and collapsed my head into my lap.

His touch was warm on my back, voice soft in my ears. "I made choices in the very end. If any of us should be in there it's me, not you."

"So? You stood by your father as I stood by mine! You didn't come down and hear them screaming in the cells! You didn't tell my father what to do to Peeta!" He still wouldn't look at me the same, not the same smile of comfort around me that he had after I told him about Thresh. Now he just pitied me, for all I chose to do to him.

"It doesn't matter. They are entering you on blood that you don't have!" Haymitch wretched my hands from my face as I frantically tried to wipe away my tears. "Look at me! I made precautions to avoid this but they died with Coin. Now I just need to make new ones."

"Can't you hear that I don't want you to? For once I want to do the right thing in my life and shying away isn't fair!" I needed to give into their revenge, make the scales balanced to restore my sanity. "I may carry your blood, but my father etched himself on my soul whether you except it or not."

Haymitch swore under his breath, grabbing a bottle from the liquor cabinet. "Haymitch, she's just distressed. If you drink..."

A loud knock pounded on the door and before any of us could move a team of the new peacekeepers knocked it in. "December and Darren Broderson. You are hereby in government custody." We were right, they had been hiding in the shadows just wanting for a moment to strike.

Haymitch lunged for one of them. "Under whose damn orders?"

"President Taylor and Mr. Havensbee have ordered all children to be entered in the games returned to the Capitol. These two are prime suspects to run for it and will be locked in the Presidential Mansion."

Home. I was going home to be locked up as a prisoner.

"Fine. Then to the Capitol we go. Let me just pack my bags." Haymitch swung the bottle and it broke on the side of the bookshelf, all the while a sneer on his lips. "I need to speak with Plutarch anyways."

"Mr. Havensbee ordered that you, Haymitch Abernathy, are to remain in District 12."

I expected him to lash out, or at least reach for a bottle. It was his out of character cold nod that sent shivers down my spine. "Then let me say goodbye to the children in private." The Peacekeepers looked around uncertainly. "We will stay in this room and feel free to stand outside the windows if you must to keep us in." Their chief officer nodded, all the white uniforms disappearing from the room.

"You won't have to go in. You won't be in the reaping bowl."

"I will. I'll tell Plutarch myself if I have to."

"You are stubborn and a fool."

"I'll take care of her Haymitch. If she gets reaped I'll volunteer. She won't go in alone."

"She won't go in at all. Leave us Broderson, take a pair of those white coats upstairs and gather your things. Pack as many of her clothes from the old days, especially the furs. The public will mostly see the two of you outside and that's your moment to look powerful. Be good to her, boy"

Darren nodded, shaking Haymitch's hand as if it were all a business deal. It was so much like before, Papa promising Darren to watch over me for him. He hadn't failed yet and I warmly smiled at the thought while I watched my husband motion for a two to follow him upstairs.

"Little one," Haymitch's touch was too gentle, as though he was afraid of breaking me. "I've been slow to tell you this but you need to know."

"Like how slow you were with the fact that you're my father?"

Haymitch didn't respond, just glancing off in the distance, speaking words not meant for me. "I'm trying darling, I'm trying." He had done the same so many times, and now knowing that in these moments he convinced himself my mother as in the room I couldn't take it.

"Haymitch..."

He jolted back to alertness, taking my hands in his and softly kissing my forehead. "I love you, little one. That's what you should know. You are going to be safe."

"December, I brought you a coat, and hat and gloves." It was one of my mother's, Maribelle, coats. Long enough to hide the pajamas I still wore underneath until we could change on the train, and pure white. The hat and gloves were the set Haymitch had given me for a birthday so long ago, green and embroidered with roses.

"Put your hair down and pull the red forward. Don't let it be hidden." I couldn't tell if Haymitch's advice came from the fact that that was how the Capitol would recognize me, or the genes he was suddenly desperate to prove. Darren reached up and traced the rim of my gem by my eye. I hadn't realized that I left it in since the interview. "Little one, don't forget to be proud, don't show them any cracks, got it?"

I knew the cameras, if I knew anything at all. That I could manage. We walked into the hall, and I stopped by the mirror for a moment. Yes, all I was missing was my usual pride, and how hard could that be to bring back? I was an elite by training, and about to return to my circus ring.

The image in the mirror moved, and as I stepped away I felt my old footsteps clink in the hall.

"She's back. December Everett Snow is back to be reckoned with." I smiled at Darren's voice until I realized what was missing.

"December Everett Snow Broderson. Don't take that from me, love."

"You sure?" His arm wrapped around my shoulder and I could see camera flashes through the door window. How had we let them sneak up on us so much? But one thing I knew was that no one else was better suited to be at my side for those lights then this one boy.

"I'm sure."


	26. I Want the Good Times Back

**Chapter 25: I Want the Good Times Back**

_I want the good times back!_

_I want those grand ol' days!_

_I want the twisted nights_

_The sick delights_

_The wild soireés!_

_-The Little Mermaid_

The house seemed quiet as the Peacekeepers ushered us into the main reception room, explaining that all personal possessions from the Presidential Mansion had been packed up and moved here. There were boxes upon boxes; clothing racks of gowns I couldn't even remember anyone wearing.

And I felt no warmth. Not like it had been when I first moved in, not when I just wanted to be with my family across the Circle. When would it be home? When we made love in the bed where we once slept silently? When we cleared out the living room of this mausoleum?

That's what it was. Nothing felt personal, nothing at all. Rows and rows upon dresses that would never have a reason to be worn again. Even if we pulled out the old plate settings, gathered everyone left from the old parties, would it ever been as sinfully delicious?

Darren was already shifting through one section of the boxes, the ones labeled with his parent's names. The new regime must have sold off that house to the highest bidder. This was all we had left. A new house with cold memories, and boxes of things that felt like artifacts from an old time.

"December! Come look at this!" He pulled a small frame from one of his mother's crates, and was smiling. It was an old picture, we were each six, I remembered. It was the first time our parents made us perform together, not long after I started music lessons. It had been a family night, for Mrs. Broderson's birthday, and May and I had begged Mama to let us re-wear our very first party dresses from only a few weeks before. The soft pink, the white lash and the dark green sash. It was just Darren and I, in the middle of the performance and we both looked happy, color in our cheeks. And his jacket matched my sash.

A smile to match his warmed onto my lips. "It made me so mad when you showed up in green like that."

"You wanted to pick the song but I wouldn't let you because it was my mother's birthday."

"The one time I let you get your way."

"I think there have been a few others." He tugged me suddenly and I collapsed into his lap. Kisses attacked my neck and I couldn't help but laugh. "Can we do it? Can we be happy here?" Between the kisses, somehow the boxes began to look happy. We had our memories, didn't we? The happy ones too, they couldn't take those away. Just like Papa had said that last day in the Rose Garden. _Remember when everything was good, the simple moments, like when we all laughed at the breakfast table, when we were simple and at peace. Without those moments, the pain you feel wouldn't exist. _

And Thresh. _Be happy with him. He'll give you what I can't now. _

"We decided in 12 that we were going to be happy. Being here, in this house. I don't see why in the end it can't make it easier." Darren just smiled, starting going through the boxes again. He found another frame, and I saw mama on her wedding day, Mrs. Broderson standing beside her and smiling. The official diamonds were around her throat, the first day she was ever allowed to wear them. The day she became the President's wife.

Those diamonds. Papa, and mama. And Cory… Cory should have grown up long enough to hang them on his wife's neck. I sprung to my feet, rushing to one of the boxes labeled as Maribelle Snow's jewelry. I had to touch them; I had to feel the power of generations that shared an office.

"They aren't here. Damn it! The diamonds aren't here!" I slammed the box lid shut. I didn't need to dig through the others to know. Mother's jewelry box was like our own to May and I. We spent years watching her select pieces from it and I knew exactly where the diamonds belonged.

"You left them here? Those diamonds are generations of Presidents and their wives…if it necklace is lost…" He came up to me, wrapping arms around my waist from the back but I shoved him away.

"They are lost Broderson! Get everything else upstairs and start putting it away. I can't stand that it isn't. I'll take care of this." Darren started talking fast but I didn't distinguish a single word as I rushed from the main reception room and back into the foyer.

"Take me to Plutarch Havensbee. Right now." The Peacekeepers had fallen slack in the new regime, their uniforms not perfectly pressed as they scrambled up from the stair's bottom step. Sitting on guard duty, pathetic.

"I don't believe Mr. Havensbee…"

"I will see him now!" I was seething, everything focused on getting out of that house, and I didn't see the tallest one lunge at me before he caught my hair. It only took a moment for a second one pinned my arms.

"Let her go boys, she's just a little girl." Their grasp dropped immediately and I looked around to see their Captain had come back into the foyer from his scan of the house. "Put a call into Havensbee. I bet he would find her spoiled rotten wails amusing this time around. Outside, now." They disappeared in a moment and Darren enveloped me in his arms the moment they were gone. "Peacekeepers, what a name for this force. There is nothing the same here anymore, December Snow, and you have better start learning how to play with the new rules. These are brute lads desperate to cause a bit of trouble, liking the power of wearing a uniform after living in the Districts or the slums of the Outskirts. They won't care about your pretty face."

I recognized him from a memory I constantly tried to block. "You were the one who carried me, weren't you? To my parents after the bombs went off. You saved me that day, I wouldn't have moved from that spot if not for you."

"You were my watch back then, and you are once again. Just for different reasons." There was nothing in his voice, nothing at all. Maybe he wished he had left me to the shattered glass. The watch he wore was different from the ones before, it was like the ones that the rebel guards had used to communicate. He looked down at it briefly as it beeped. "Come on, let's get you to Havensbee. He has accepted your presence."

They made Darren stay at the house, and I silently rejoiced. I wanted the boxes dealt with at least a bit. Some dent to make it look a tad better. The walk across the Circle was longer than I remembered, but the stairs up to the Presidential Mansion shorter. They might have led me through the twisting hallways, but I could have navigated myself to Mr. Broderson's office in a moment.

"Well, Snow's little rose has grown up a bit since the Capitol last saw you in person." No, I wouldn't look at the chair he gestured towards. I wouldn't take it. Not like Darren who used to sprawl in it while he talked to his father.

"Losing your family forces that on some of us." I didn't bother to speak warmly, knowing it wouldn't do me any good.

"Yes, of course. Now, I was told your business with me was urgent." Already I had lost his attention to the papers on Mr. Broderson's desk. But he still let me come, he wanted me to grovel.

So, I took the seat. Just the edge, and made sure everything my grandmother taught me wasn't forgotten. She was right, there would be a moment where I had to get my power back. "I was under the impression leaving the Capitol that my wealth inheritance was to be left in tact due to the fact that all money you found in our family vaults did belong to the Snow and Broderson family lines and not the country."

"Of course, and many others families kept their fortunes as well. I have kept by my order that the money needed for the districts comes from Capitol budget. Did you know that your mother's party budget for every six months could feed two Districts for a year?" I hadn't. I still didn't care. My patience was slim, just as papas.

"Where are my mother's diamonds?" My question surprised him momentarily, his eyes darting up from the papers just long enough to give him away.

"I was under the impression that all your family's personal belongings were moved to you and your husband's home."

"Where are the diamonds, Plutarch? I won't play games. I want my mothers diamonds." I couldn't let them know anything about the jewels, anything at all. It was a family secret, the ashes were too valuable. Every President and his wife, since before the Dark Days. Every single one's remains incased in hardened ashes. What was it that everyone had laughed at Effie for years ago? That if you pressed on coal, it turned to diamonds? If only they knew that little secret technology…

"I have no knowledge of the whereabouts of these diamonds that you speak of." Something crawled over his lips, tightness from worry or confusion, I couldn't decipher. Coin…would Rosa have been told as a young girl? I was locked away, and so was papa. She could have taken them and now they were lost. "If that is all you came for, Mrs. Broderson…"

"It's Miss. Snow. I am filing for a divorce." I didn't know why I decided to lie, but it finally made Plutarch met my eyes. If only I had known earlier it was my martial status he found interest in.

"You can try the courts after you leave my office, Mrs. Broderson, but they won't do anything. You see, I haven't decided yet if you are more of a threat married or not." He thought I already tried the courts, that I knew.

"A threat? How in the world am I a threat?" Plutarch waved for one of his attendants to shut the office door and leave the room as he leaned over the desk.

"I don't trust you, I never have. You were a problem as a child, and now you are practically grown and whether or not I wish it was not true, growth comes hand in hand with brains."

"Plutarch, are you truly saying that I am too smart for you?" I couldn't help but laugh, yet he quickly hushed me.

"First, it's Mr. Havensbee and I don't like your knack for forgetting that. Second, I think you like to cause trouble and don't know what is good for your own neck." I pursued my lips; he once would have been fooled by it. He once would have at least acted to fawn over my every word. "I don't care what that blasted Haymitch Abernathy thinks of you, but if it were up to me I would have had you at least locked up with your husband after the war."

"Then, why did you release him?"

"I want him in the arena. You two will be the first rallying points for anyone trying to bring back the old ways and it would be convenient to have you dead." He could have had Darren dead; he could have left him there with no hope. But no, he wanted to kill us on his terms. We didn't even have the right to the most shameful form of death.

"People won't rally around me. Thanks to your exile of me to Twelve, I've been deemed crazy, even tainted."

"The Preservers will contact you eventually. You're still Snow blood." For a second, I thought to tell him. Tell him we were always wrong about my blood, but maybe it was the best thing papa ever gave me. A lie, a lie that still strikes fear into the hearts of the most powerful, no matter how the world had changed.

"If they are such a threat to you, get rid of them. Bomb them, smoke them out, get rid of them. Surely, you have spies enough to know where they hide if you could have them stationed around our house in 12."

"If I kill a group for their beliefs, I'd be no better than your father."

"You already aren't. You are the one still holding the Games. What you promised to end.

"Even when you were laying in the sun with your little District toy, did you ever truly think they could end them? Did you ever truly think _they _would be in power?"

"Paylor may be President but she doesn't know this city like you and I, does she? Nothing about this city is for District blood."

I knew what he was implying, that he really did call all the shots, I didn't doubt it and I never had. Somehow, the simple proof was enough for me to finally smile. "No, not one bit."

He hit a button, and the guards came back in. "Take her home." Their hands were rough, but I didn't struggle, there was no reason once I heard Plutarch's last comment before the door shut behind me. "Oh, and Mrs. Broderson, the diamonds were found in Alma Coin's belongings upon her death. As a Snow family heirloom, I believe they were collected by your uncle Ansgar."

Somehow, I must have done something right. Maybe, once the slaughter was over, the Hunger Games would end. But, Plutarch was right. The true games of Panem never would.


	27. Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again

**Chapter 26: Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again**

_You were once my one companion_

_You were all that mattered_

_You were once a friend and father_

_Then my world was shattered_

_-Phantom of the Opera_

"I want to visit the Rose Garden before we leave. Please." I wouldn't let the guard know how much that one sentence hurt. To have to ask. To have to be kind.

"Mrs. Broderson, that is not something you would want to see." In the old days, he never would have said no. He wouldn't have dared. Maybe that was exactly why he didn't say that word, just skidded around it.

How could I even imagine explaining it to him, why I had to go? _Smell the roses, December, and you'll find home._ _This is the smell of home, of family. _ That's what papa had already said. I couldn't I back to that house of old boxes for us to sort through, I couldn't be even in this hallway for one more second and not feel the way I used to.

"Please. Just for a minute. I want to see the red ones. The ones my papa used to give me every morning. Just give me that."

"Don't say I didn't warn you." It was almost as though he was softly squeezing my hand, not picking it up to lead me to the glass doors I knew so well.

There were the blue ones, the bushes cut down to stubs in the rows where they belonged. Just empty trunks, and ripped up soil, rotten leaves and petals on the ground around them. How long had it really been since Darren and I hid there and kissed that one night when I felt on top of the world? So much for a rose's thorn protecting it.

It took me a minute to notice the people, and once I did I don't know how I hadn't before. They seemed to be everyone, crawling over papa's roses as though they were an empty field, but then I saw ropes that led them on a winding path.

A museum. I had thought that was what our living room was, but no, that was only the archive of what they had turned this once bright garden into. A museum of horror and fallen glory. Grotesque. Fake.

And they were taking pictures, lights flashing. It didn't take long for the flashes to turn on me but I didn't back away or step forward. I just stared at everything and thought that if this was how the Rose Garden looked now, how did I appear to them? You didn't need to look twice to know they weren't from the Center Circle, the highest maybe outskirts and the rest districts. No one, not even the farthest rim that was considered true Capitol would want to be in here. Except me. This I needed. "Show me the white ones, and the red."

My guard took my arm, pushing through the crowd as the cameras kept flashing on a steady rhythm. I knew what they were capturing. The poor fallen girl come to see the remnants of her glory days and learn that everything dies and that the prettiest flowers whiter away. They didn't care about the expensive clothes that were still my rightful property, or the perfection I made my hair like before. I knew that's what they wanted to capture, the brokenness. What I wondered was if it was still good enough to make headlines.

No one had touched these bushes. These were the ones kept up for show. Cameras kept flashing, and someone was speaking to the crowd about the money put into the garden, the caretaker schedule and what father did personally.

It sounded like a history lecture, but it wasn't. This was history. We weren't old, and she had so much of it wrong. I knew why too. There had been no reason to document the hours he spent teaching us to care for the roses, how when we got in trouble as children we had to sit in here quietly with him, and he hummed as he worked. I never minded, that was when he taught me the most. When I was very little and I would pretend to cry over how bad I had been and he would put a flower in my hair that matched whatever ribbon mama had tied it in.

I saw the red ones out of the corner of my eyes, the special bushes that were my roses. I never tended to them, at least not like he did with the white ones, but I loved them all the same. "Let's go."

I didn't ask this time as we exited the mansion, just letting the guards follow me as we turned the corner and I approached the graveyard. I walked past my in-laws, past Mr. Keiger, past everyone else we had known that they killed. I wouldn't look at their graves, though I knew exactly where they were. At least their deaths had been done right. They were in the Elite graveyard, in the right family plots, weren't they?

Except mama and papa. Their ashes should have been collected, and made to shine. When would I get to Ansgar to get the necklace? When would I actually have the courage to face the only family I had left, when he was tied to _her_?

I wasn't expecting to see any flowers, I hadn't even seen my father's grave for the first time until today, but they were everywhere. Roses, covering all five graves, even Aunt Everett's, and paper messages stuck in. My hands clasped one, and then another

_The world keeps turning, but memories don't fade. Rest in Peace, Mr. President._

_ Coriolanus Jr was a sweet boy. Always told me my beard was fuzzy when I carried him around when his sickness was bad._

_ I'll never forget the day a six year old May snuck down into the kitchens. I found her with cherry sauce all over her party dress._

_ Those who do wrong still don't deserve wrong done on them._

I ordered a guard to collect the other papers. Messages, from peacekeepers who worked in the Mansion, or even kitchen staff. Some were signed from people in the Districts who were angry about the fact that the bombs ever went off. Some were just simple, one or two words from the average Capitol citizen. Plutarch must of loved it. Their graves were shrines.

My fingers traced the words on the tombstones, desperate as though I had to commit their names to memory. Not as though I wished so many days I could just forget it all.

I barely noticed the peacekeepers finish collecting the notes for me, barely heard the captain telling the others to leave, that he could watch me. I deserved to be alone as much as possible.

I don't know how long it took for the words to push through my hardened throat, but once they did as I traced the lettering of papa's grave, they wouldn't stop.

"I feel guilty for missing you more then them, even Cory. I wish it was like when Thresh died, how I heard his voice and I know it almost made me mad, but it felt real papa. I don't hear your voice like that, but I remember everything so clear. The roses. I saw the roses today but I couldn't bare to look at them. They were shriveled and most of the colors weren't even budding, not a single blue one. Except your favorite bush, they've kept that one up but I couldn't stay much longer, we only really passed it anyways and there were people taking photographs like it was a museum. Maybe it is.

Do you remember how I used to come running into your office crying over the most foolish things and we would go hide among all the roses until I felt better? You were my best friend, far over any of the girls at school but even when Thresh came along. Papa, I never told you how much I wanted to tell you about him but I didn't want to hurt you. You were all that ever really mattered to me, papa, and look at everything I did to ruin it. I fell in love, so different from the way you taught me too. But I didn't love him, did I? I loved the rebellion, the game of it. I love Darren. I get that now. But I killed grandmama, I made deals with Haymitch.

But I guess there was a lot you never told me. You didn't tell me he was my real father, did you? That's why you never really got angry with mama for not loving me as much. How could she? How could you? So why am I the one alive? Why am I the one here! I should have died! It should have been me, because now there is no one to carry the family on. I failed. I should have pulled May from the window. I should have had the courage to run out and grab Cory. I should have been strong enough, like you always taught me, but it's not in me. It's not in me at all.

I want a family again, Darren and I, we can do it. I know it, just like you said we would. Except for the Revenge Games, we won't both come out. They won't let that happen again. I don't want to cry anymore, papa, but I can't help it. I just can't help it."

Somehow, knowing he would like the strength. I managed to stop the tears, and sat in silence staring at the writing on the tombstone. I didn't know how long it was before the guard came and rested his hand on my shoulder, whispering that the sun was going down and we should be going.

"Nothing is right here. It's too cold, too drab for them. They were warm, even mama, though she never really liked me." I couldn't help but laugh, hadn't I once pinned for her to tuck me into bed when I was really little? Even if I always preferred papa's kiss on my forehead? "Maybe because her reasons make sense now is why I know this is so wrong. They were so warm. So alive."

His voice was rough, and strained. "And now they are dead."

"How can you say it like that?" Another round of tears came pouring from my eyes and I frantically scrambled to wipe them away. "Cory was a child!"

"Lady December... I think it would be best if you started realizing that the rules have changed and you stop looking for _them_ in your life, and focus on the next steps." He was trying to be kind, I knew from the soft tone, the gentle touch on my shoulder but I hated all the same. I shouldn't need advice. I shouldn't need kindness from a peacekeeper. "They are gone, you are alone."

I shook my head. "I have my husband." We promised it right this time. I wouldn't let go of him, no matter what. He was all that made me promise to myself the memories were real.

"True, but nothing is ever simple. Keep your husband, but let the two of you start again, a clean slate if you come out of the arena." I chose not to point out the largest flaw. There was no way we would both come out alive.

"You make it sound like I could just stand up right now and everything would be the same again."

From the corner of my eye, I saw him turn from the headstones and a tear run down his cheek. Perhaps he had left them a note of his own. "No, nothing ever…" His voice broke off. "Get Down!"

It was all in moment, my head turning around at his shout to see the man lurking in the shadows, to hear the snap of gunpowder and feel the impact before the world went black.


	28. A Little Fall of Rain

**Chapter 27: Little Fall of Rain**

_The rain can't hurt me now_

_This rain will wash away what's past_

_And you will keep me safe_

_And you will keep me close_

_I'll sleep in your embrace at last._

_-Les Miserables_

I remembered how long ago I wanted to die. When Thresh did, I was ready, wasn't I? But here I was, time to go to Thresh had come and I couldn't bear to let go of the slimmer of life left in my veins. Hadn't I begged them to kill me when I stood trial, begged them to take this life from me because I couldn't gather up the courage to do it myself, not like my mother-in-law. I wouldn't have stopped them, I didn't want to. It still sounded so wonderfully easy.

Everything felt distant, as though my limbs were gone and I was just a spirit floating in the air. Maybe I was dead, that could explain so much. I guess they had listened, maybe Plutarch sent the gunner and just decided that I really had no more purpose.

Then, I had felt so alone, and now I couldn't. Darren pressed his hand into mine and I struggled to make the muscles work, to let him know that I promised I would never leave him alone, and I meant every word.

"Haymitch is on his way. You should know that he called Flickerman and told him…"

I managed enough strength to shake my head. I didn't want to hear about it. Not now, I just wanted Darren and I, none of the outside world. I was dying this time, wasn't I? That was the pain. That was why I couldn't move.

"December, I'd give anything to have you well again, you know that. We're in the Capitol, where the medical treatment is the best available. If I could give the blood in my veins, I would." My fingers groped for his wrist, to remember what a beating pulse felt like. "You lost a lot of blood before they could get you here, and the bullet ripped a few organs." His voice dropped to a whisper, and I just wanted to pull him in closer, if I had the strength. "They can't promise that the transfers worked, not until later tonight."

"They won't." I managed a weak smile, anything to take the fear from his eyes. "I'm dying Darren. I'm going to be with papa, and Cory and May and mama. I'm going to meet my real mother, Darren. I can feel it." There was warmth in my veins, and I wondered if that was death. This feeling of pure serenity.

"And Thresh will be there too." We had a place, just for the two of us. A different world where we could be happy together. He had been ready to die on that last day, he had been willing to except it. But I couldn't, I needed the touch of a hand, the whisper of a voice. Right here.

My own voice was weak but I forced the words out. "Don't let go of me."

"I never will." It still hadn't faded, that one note every time he knew I made my choice. Every time I chose to live with him then die with Thresh. The one of pleasant surprise.

"You're here, right now. You're going to keep me close, aren't you? You're going to keep me safe?" He had promised Papa so many times, and Haymitch. So many promises that he was going to protect me, keep me safe. But he wasn't breaking it, he was here to do all he could with nothing. Hadn't he said I was the only thing to keep him going, each and every day? He would have died for me, but now I was the one dying and I just wished, somehow, it could do something for him.

"Darren, when I'm gone, promise me you won't look back. Let my blood wash away the past, give yourself another chance, promise?"

"I don't want another chance. I was already given mine." He smiled lightly, brushing a few strands of hair back behind my ear while his thumb kept making tiny circles on the back of my hand. "When I walked into that kitchen in 12, a free man…"

"We'll never be free here, or anywhere in Panem."

"I was when they let me be with you, and as long as I'm given that right, I always will be, love. I walked into that kitchen and saw the girl I loved, washing dishes, and there was my chance. We were going to live a simple life, a happy one, with no expectations."

"You'll never get the chance for a simple life, Darren. None of us…" I couldn't finish my sentence, a new round of pain shot through my body and I trembled. He snapped up, waving for one of the medical officers who came in to pour some liquid into the bag connected to my arm.

His brow was wrinkled, hands clasping each other on and off while he watched the doctor work. I hated it, I just wanted him to smile. I just needed him to smile. The drug seeped quickly into my veins and a relief washed over me.

"Don't you fret, Darren, I don't really feel any pain anymore. Even a drop of rain can't touch me anymore. You're here, I know that. Don't let go."

I no longer had the strength to keep my eyes open, but I felt his tear drop on my face. "Rain makes roses grow."

I wanted to reach my hand to his cheek, but the new round of medication left me fading fast. What was even left of the rose? Too much blood had been lost, Darren said. "And too much kills the rose. That's what papa always said, it is a balance when watering flowers. There's been too much this time."

"Fall asleep, my love, you need your rest. I'll be here when you wake. Right here, and I won't let go."

X

"Mom?" She was the only thing I could see in the mist, fiery red hair and just an inch or so taller than me. Selena Delancey, my birth mother, hiding in the shadows like an apparition. "Are you a ghost?"

"No, sweetie. I'm not a ghost. Not exactly." A bell like voice pierced through the mists and I found my feet rushing closer. But I didn't want to touch her. I couldn't imagine touching this woman I never knew.

"Am I dead?" That's why I was here. "Where is papa, and Cory? Where is my family?" That was what I promised myself. My family, the family I grew up with. That's who I wanted to be with.

"You're not dead. Not yet." She moved closer in one movement and her hand was soft as it brushed over my cheek. "You're all grown up." She laughed and I recognized it. She laughed my laugh. "Blond hair suits you. I always wondered what your father would look like as a blond; I thought it might make his eyes sparkle more. I guess I was right."

"He says I look like you." I didn't know what else to say, but I knew Haymitch had been right. All I needed to do was look at her face.

"You look like Maribelle Snow too." Somehow my clothing had changed, my hair no longer brushing my shoulders but elaborately pinned up and I could feel the powder on my face. Like if I was going to an evening party. "It suits you, sweetie. I always knew you were going to be special, from the first time I felt you kick."

"I'm not special. Not anymore." Could she not watch the world from this place? Did she not know everything I had lost?

She laughed again, and her dress changed too. No more simple, plain colored dress, but an elaborate ball gown. "You're always going to be special. To your father and I most of all, but you'll always be special to the people of Panem, especially the Capitol."

"They tried to kill me." Sure, it could have been anyone. It could have been on Plutarch's orders, but it didn't matter. Someone wanted me dead anyways.

"Haven't you ever tried to kill someone who was special?" There was more of me in her then I ever could have imagined. There was that spark in her eyes, that playful defiance. And she was right. I even successfully made the kill once or twice. "I'm not the only one proud of you, sweetie. They are too. You'll see them again one day, but your time isn't now."

I didn't need to ask to know who she was talking about. "Why can't I see them now?" I had so many questions for papa, so much advice I needed. Did he not love me enough to be here? Now that I knew the truth, was he out of energy to pretend?

"They are still resting, sweetie. It takes time to gather the strength to make a visit, and then the living soul has to be close enough to death to be open the spirits. It shall be years before I ever have the strength again."

"Thresh?"

"Is always watching you, my darling girl. That's all you need to know." Then I saw the other figure in the mists, the strong frame an dark skin. But he was so far away, barely visible. But he was here.

"Thresh!" I started to run, but my mother caught my arm.

"No, Penelope. Don't go to him. If he needed to speak to you, he's been here long enough that he could. Don't put his soul through the pain."

"Pain?"

"He is always watching. Imagine, sweetie, if you could no longer be with the person you loved, and you had to watch them fall in love with another. If your father fell in love, I would be happy for him in some ways, and miserable in others, but I would look away. Thresh can't, because he promised. He promised to always watch you and now he must."

"He told me to be happy with Darren!"

"Sometimes, in death, we regret the promises we made and the advice we gave. Jealousy has too much free time to only simmer."

"Thresh!" I couldn't help but call him again, try to run forward but my mother was stronger then she looked. He turned, and I caught some light on those golden eyes, and only for a moment before he walked further into the mists and out of sight.

"If I'm not going to die yet, let me leave here." I ripped my arm from her grasp, and started walking towards the way I had thought I came.

"You're papa had one message for you, sweetie."

"You've talked to him?"

I looked at her again to find her smiling, and this time when she reached out her arms, I let myself be wrapped in them. "He told me so much about you. They way you always threw a fit as a little girl when you had to get dressed up, how well you play the violin and so much more. How could I not talk to the man who raised you so well?"

Something was off. Something not right. Where was her anger, where was her spite? Had she really such a pure heart? "He's the reason you died."

"Never take your anger into the immortal world, sweetie. I will only consume you. Snow is the reason that a bastard child in the Outskirts had a chance. No mother could be angry for that. If I had lived, I would have never stopped fighting to have you back, but I was dying anyway, Penelope. I wouldn't have lived past your 5th birthday." Did Haymitch know that she was sick? That our family would have crumbled anyway? "And then what would have happened? Would you have gone to your father in 12 and had the chance of being reaped? Or an orphanage? I had no money, sweetie. We would have had nothing, you probably would barely have had an education. No mother wants that for her baby girl."

I couldn't help but scoff, but I didn't want to lose her embrace either. It was so warm, so tender. "I'm being reaped anyways."

"We'll see. You're papa said just one thing. May is the month when rose bloom, but…"

"December is when they are a luxury." I was laughing as tears ran down my face. Papa. A politician always knew what to say.

She smiled, and her arms fell away, the mist thickening. All that was left in a moment was her voice. "Tell your father I love him."

"I will." I wanted her to stay; I wanted to get to know her, to make memories of my own.

But my eyes felt heavy and my whole body collapsed as she said one last thing. "And never forget that I love you too."


	29. Suddenly

**Chapter 28: Suddenly**

_Nevermore alone_

_Nevermore apart_

_You have warmed my heart like the sun._

_You have brought the gift of life_

_And love so long denied me._

_-Les Miserables (2012)_

URGENT BROADCASTING

The words brighten the screen as you walk into your apartment in the Capitol, and rest your picket sign against the wall.

NEWS ON DECEMBER SNOW BRODERSON

You can't help but snicker, and laugh that maybe this is finally it. Maybe the girl is dead. Haven't you spent seven days in the cold with the others, and the signs? Maybe they finally listened to what the public was calling for. Wasn't that what the whole rebellion had been about, listening to the majority voice?

HAYMITCH ABERNATHY SPEAKING

You had heard the whispers that he had come in from District 12. That he wanted to make a speech on the whole matter. Immediately, you wish you had stayed by the Hospital, the very nice one adjacent to the Circle. They weren't zoned anymore, any citizen could go to any hospital but it would have been better if they put her in the outskirts. She could have suffered.

You sigh, and click the screen on in the kitchen as you clean up dishes from breakfast that morning. Your mother said she thought the girl should be dead, but in the last year she and your father had paid good money for this apartment, to move out of the slums of the outskirts. Even the fallen dumb little princess's death could be put on hold to keep it clean.

You barely recognize the man who walked onto the screen. Everyone knew the Victors had money in the old days, but few actual had shown it, Haymitch Abernathy especially loved to pretend he was still poor.

But not now. No, it was a new tailored suit, slicked back hair. He looked just like the wealthy had before, the way those in the highest circles stayed classic, above the quick changing fashion trends.

Your attention stays on the picket signs, picking out people you know as the camera scans the crowd, many of them you only met in the last week protesting together. The signs in the beginning had been witty. _Wither the Rose, or is she too pretty? _and _Snow melts, she must bleed muddy water. _

But as the doctors kept caring for her, and more peacekeepers were placed in front of her door, and they went as far as moving her to a room in the back of the Hospital so no one could even see the window, the signs changed. _Kill the murderer. Snow took children; finish off the last of his. Panem votes her dead. She was shot for a reason. _

The shooter himself was still unknown, but no one really cared who it was except to honor a hero.

You put the dishes down and focus entirely on the screen as Abernathy starts to talk.

"Panem, I speak to you as the father of a dying child. Every citizen of this land knows that Snow took so much from every Victor of his Games. He took my child. I am December's father." The crowd started yelling, everyone cursing and throwing things up at the Hospital balcony from where Abernathy was speaking.

"Hear me out, one last time. Snow destroyed my life, just as much if not more then everyone else who grew up in the Districts. I finished the Games, I was stupid enough to try and survive, and come back into the misery again. So I gave up when Snow ordered the death of my family. I started drinking. I didn't have a purpose anymore. You know I really didn't care about the District 12 tributes. How could I try to help them when I believed I would have been better off dead?

"And then I met her mother. Selena Delancy." You recognize the name in a moment. You were quite young when she died, but she lived only one alley over from your family in the Outskirts. Your mother went to school with her, and people whispered of how sad her fate was, the story was one that belonged in the Districts, they said. She let a Victor in her bed, and everyone saw the baby growing in her womb, but neither mother nor child made it out of the Hospital.

"Those of you who knew her will know I speak the truth right now. They called her a cheap outskirts girl, but she was beautiful to me. So, unlike the others, I found a way to pass my forced time in this city. I stayed until I had no choice but to go. I said goodbye and came back again. For about three years I wanted to be in this city, I had meaning again but it didn't really last, I went back home to bottle after bottle.

"I yelled at her when she told me she was pregnant. That was it, the strings were tied and everything was a target again. I dreaded the day that the baby was due. I didn't want to be a father and would have forced her to do something except for how badly she wanted to be a mother.

"August 4th. That was the last time I used the phone in my house in 12. The day that Penelope Abernathy was born. Somehow, I wasn't even mad that Selena called me and made it clear to the records that I was the father. I heard the sound of my daughter's cry over the phone, the most beautifully tragic thing in the world.

"August 18th. Everyone in the Capitol knows that date, don't they? The day that Maribelle Snow gave birth to her twins. No one really questioned anything, they were only two weeks apart in reality, but everyone took this new invented birth date for my daughter for granted. By the time the baby girls were shown on the screens, they had already dyed the tuft of hair on, as she would forever since be known, December Everett Snow's head. But she had my eyes. My grey eyes.

"My daughter became his, just like my life was on his whim, and I knew it. That was the frightening part, how happy I still was. The woman I loved was dead, my only child in the hands of the man I hated and I knew there was nothing I could do to get her back. But she was alive, she was healthy and beautiful and knowing that, during the Games, I could be near her, my precious little one, was enough to give me my reason to live.

"I touched her for the first time when she was six. I didn't bother to ask why he decided to let her that close to me. Let her come to the training center because I didn't care. Finnick thought the attention I gave her was strange, he was a smart kid and that was the year he won.

"Two years later, she was eight and he had already felt the pain of being a victor, but for some reason he smiled when she came in the room too. She was this burst of energy for me. He asked one day, why I could love the daughter of the man who ruined my life so much. I wanted to say I didn't love her, that she was just a child but he ended up as the only one I ever told. I needed to know that someone would be there, keeping the secret alive if I couldn't. Every day I woke up wondering why Snow hadn't just killed me yet.

"She developed her own will, she thrived off the Games and at that point Snow couldn't keep her away. Suddenly, the world became a different place. I had no idea how much hope I had held onto since the day she was taken, how much conviction I had in my soul that she would one day be mine again. We were so different, sometimes I asked myself if I made it all up, but I remembered how she was raised.

"And she trusted me, she knew nothing and trusted me. I wanted to stay distant, there were too many secrets left untold and she could never understand how if I stepped the line too far he would kill me, and then she'd have no one left. No mother, no father.

She cried when they reaped Thresh, she knew he wouldn't come home and I held her. My little girl in my lap while she cried. I already knew I had a chance with Katniss and Peeta, and the way she showed me that she was still mine, she cried to me, I knew I wouldn't stop fighting. I would win her back.

"So I won. Snow died, and I became my daughter's legal guardian. But she cried for him too, just like she did for Thresh. So how do you break her heart and tell her a complicated truth when she is mourning the man who raised her? I just held her hand while she fell asleep the night before they killed him, and I thought it didn't matter what she knew or what she didn't.

"We were going to be alone for the future if we didn't decide to have each other. I would never be her 'papa'. I wasn't the man who put a rose on her plate in the morning, or the face she would remember from childhood tucking her in during nightmares.

"Coriolanus Snow was a lot of things, but he was a good father to my only child. She loved him, and some part of him loved her. He came to me once, when he thought Crane knew our little secret. And there was more in it then his fear of being revealed, but his worry for her if it was all found out. The Capitol wouldn't love her; the rebellion would force her to be a symbol. For a few days, he even had me convinced the whole thing wasn't worth it because of how much she would loose in the process.

"How many of you know the last words he said to her as they dragged a father from a daughter the night the Capitol fell? He told her to trust me, and only me. That's how I know he loved her.

"Yes, I admit to voting in favor of the Revenge Games, because I was certain with myself I could get her out. And it was only hours later, when I heard the name of my son-in-law, after Snow had died, that I realized it didn't matter if I could save her, I would be destroying so many lives she cared about. So yes, I voted in agreement because I wanted revenge. I wanted to make the people of the Capitol understand what it meant to watch your child on the screens and be able to do nothing. I wanted to take away their daughters like Snow took away mine. Sadly, I guess I was wrong to assume the Games died with Coin.

"Panem, my child is lying on her possible deathbed because someone decided they couldn't even wait to see her die in an Arena for blood I swear she does not even have. Haven't we paid enough between each other? Most of the children on that reaping list were made orphans anyways, so what good is one more Game? You think the people who lost their children in the past Games would be kind enough to leave their picket signs, the ones about how my daughter should be allowed to die from her wounds, at home. I've lost her once, don't beg them to take her from me again."

He doesn't say anything else, just walks off the screen as a group of doctors comes on. You barely listen as they describe the results from a genetic test they ran on her, and offer to publish the results to accrediate Abernathy's claim.

You just snicker, turning off the screen and returning to the hall to put your coat back on now that your chores are finish. When you open the door, sign in hand, your boyfriend of the last seven months is running up the steps of the building, calling your name.

He takes the sign from your hand, and tells you no more protesting. You say he's foolish, that he didn't grow up in the Capitol and didn't know the Snows as well as you. You say it doesn't matter her blood, she deserved to die. Hadn't he watched the girl's interview on your own couch?

But he says no. That this protest is proving the new world isn't any better then the old. That's what Abernathy really meant. Enough parents had lost their children. He lost friends back in District 7, you didn't know the personal pain of losing someone in the Games. He did.

You just shrug; take the sign out of his hands and head in the direction of the Hospital. He stands on the steps of your apartment building and watches you go.


End file.
